We're moving to Virginia. Mike got a good job there.

I'm excited on several fronts. The best thing for me is that I get to have my kids meet my family. I have a huge extended family back east and being there will mean that my kids can meet them.

Being in Virginia, means that we can spend summers meandering through Washington D. C. and hitting all the museums and cool stuff there.

It also means that when my best friend, Mell, moves to South Carolina, I can see her, too.

I leave in 8 days to drive cross-country because the moving company will only move one stupid car. I'm taking the kids and the dog. Mike gets to take Kitty. It makes me sad because for the first time in 6 months, Kitty finally jumped on the bed the other night to demand affection, a behavior she has been loath to exhibit up til now because we had the audacity to move from her home of 6 years. Now, we're going to fly her across country and traumatize her fuzzy little ass all over again. I supposed I can look forward to another 6 months of being completely ignored by Kitty and utterly adored by the dog.

I may torture Kitty anyhow and love her until she loves me again or she may never ever speak to me again. I don't know.

The kids aren't thrilled completely, but are ok with moving. The two friends I know in that area have very lovely daughters, who are my son's age. Russell is looking forward to meeting them, even if he only admires them from a distance because he's a big sorry chicken when it comes to females.

Genny is excited to see new places and do stuff along the drive. I'm making both kids journal and Russell will continue in his online schooling until we get a house set up there and know what school he's going to.

My folks are coming down to give me the opportunity to househunt sans kidlets. I can't wait just to get the hell away from the kids for a few hours. I've been with them all summer and because Russell can't go to school much, I haven't been alone in months. I'm sending him to school tomorrow because I'm just plain sick to death of no alone time. He can't imagine why.

I just need some time to myself. Quiet, time to pray, things like that.

Russell continues to be pretty wrecked. He has good days and bad days, but even his best day doesn't seem to mean he can leave the house. Sometimes, I pile him into the car anyway and work around him. His next shot is Friday. I'm taking him to the pool that night. He doesn't know it yet, but I am!

If I have to go to wallymart, I have him sit on the bench in the front with his phone. If I go to a store with a profusion of wheely carts, I take him with me. He was sure I was enjoying the fact that I made him take a wheely cart at Home Depot, but I was kind of puzzled. I just needed him to go with me because leaving him in the car when it's 100 degrees isn't an option and it makes him get the hell out of the house. I think being a teenager means that you exist in a constant state of torture by your parents though.

Genny has grown 2 inches this summer. I'm sewing ruffles on the bottoms of dresses to get more wear out of them. I really have no choice. She's growing out of everything and she's so skinny, none of her pants fit without a serious case of high waters or plumber butt.

I'm not sleeping tonight, apparently. I woke up with a bunch of worries circulating. I'm going to try again.

Just been way depressed. The job thing is really hard. Mike has been getting recruiters contacting him from all over the country, so we're just hanging in. We don't tell the kids any more because we don't want them to freak.

And Mike gets no vacation days at his job. If he wants a day off, he has to "make it up" or eat the pay. He continues to apply all over, but there's just not much out there at the moment.

I've been applying for secretarial jobs, but I am keenly aware of the bias people show towards obese people like me. It wouldn't matter if I were God, if I am fat, I'm probably not going to get hired over the skinny woman.

I continue to work out at the pool. My sugars are so high. I have to get my weight down. I'm thinking I might go earlish mornings and swim then, too, or at least go to the aqua-aerobics classes offered 3x a week.

Mike's helping me with my food stuff. Last night, I got low-fat sugar free pudding for dessert. It helped me get some milk, but didn't send my sugars to the moon. Of course, I also went to the pool last night, so my sugars should be decent this morning.

Taking the Bear for a blood draw to see if he qualifies for some new asthma/allergy regimen. Wish us luck! I'd really like to be able to leave my house with him!

It's official, asthma freaking sucks rocks.

Russell has been sick all danged month and that is pretty awful. I have been struggling with night asthma for the first time in years. We can't afford for me to take allergy shots, too, with the new healthcare, so Russell is the only one getting them at the moment.

This morning he scared the stuffing out of me at 520AM when I went to change out the laundry. We asked each other why the other was up and both answered with "asthma." *sigh*
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I got laid off by the same jerk who promised me a full-time job and then reduced my hours to 15 hours. I'm doing little odd jobs at mech turk just to put a little bit of a gift card away for upcoming events like Russell's birthday and Christmas through the bankruptcy. Mike does the occasional programming job there, but the transcriptions are panning out well for me. Mike is looking for other work all over, but nothing has popped yet. He was second choice at his last interview behind a guy who'd worked there before. It would have been a sweet job and the guy told Mike's recruiter that if they had something else, they would call Mike. In this economy, I'm not holding my breath, though.

Recently, I've been transcribing some interviews of Ron Athey and ended up googling him to have a chance figuring out the transcription. I don't mind the content. I think it's artistic overkill, intellectually, but I understand the raw place that kind of art comes from. It reminds me of something I heard somewhere about how real blues comes from real pain. I haven't had time to hit another transcription, but I do notice that they're starting to offer more for it and no one has grabbed up the transcripts of those interviews in days because I'm sure the content has people freaking out.

I did mark in the comments some of the terms I learned from his work: Solar Anus, Trilogy, Hallelujah, and I gather in one of the triology pieces he uses a double-ended dildo and demonstrates castration of said item, which seems pretty gruesome, frankly. If there are a bunch of little old grammies doing transcription, aside from me, I can totally see them NOT choosing to do the transcription. I used to live in the Tenderloin in San Francisco and often clubbed at gay bars because I could dance without being hassled, so I guess I am more matter-of-fact about it, though the fact that I am old as dirt probably makes me a jaded old broad.

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I've been swimming about every other day, sometimes I skip a day, sometimes I go 2 days in a row, so it works out to every other day. My feet are achy from jumping around and I think I stubbed my toe, so I need to start putting on my watershoes. On the plus side, my knee feels better than it has in ever. It still hurts and all that, but basically, I feel stronger. I take the old lady cart less in Walmart. I sometimes take small walks. It snuck up on me, you know, the feeling better. I'm used to being in pain so much, I hadn't realized how it hurts less to get up. I get up and expect to wince, and I wince less. I don't know if that makes sense, but it is what it is.

I've also been doing my yoga pretty frequently. I get up after Mike leaves, often, so I just lay out on the bed and do my yoga. It helps to shake off the early morning stiffness of arthritis and age. It also helps me wake up enough to go shower.

We're still struggling financially. It's been, in fact, more brutal than any other time in our lives. The expense of medications for the children, even with insurance, the medical issues I am facing, all add to our expenses. I've cut back every way I know how.

I buy from a local Mexican market to get a lot of my produce because the food is inexpensive and delicious. Last night, I bought tamales and that was dinner with a salad and some salsa. I buy whatever I can there because unlike Walmart, I know more of that money stays in the local economy and lord knows, we can use that.

We're starting the process of bankruptcy. In that process, I've done so much research and reading. I found this personal finance guide site. I thought the articles were kind of generic, but ok. I really wished they had more on the bankruptcy process, but I guess that's why I have to pay the lawyer so darned much.

The best news is that some very dear friends got together and sent me a visa gift card and I was able to buy all of our meds at once. I woke up and took a sugar that was not perfect, but much better than yesterday's 132 -- 106. When normal fasting is supposed to be 80-95 and I usually norm at 115, a 106 feels super positive. I also swam last night, which I'm sure is helping.

I notice in my swimming, in fact, that things are a little sore in the mornings now -- that I'm actually working out and not just paddling around. I notice that my hips are smoother and my legs more defined. When I get up and am sore, I lay back down and do a little yoga, i.e., I assume fish position and force my body to warm up and wake up. I'm combining it a little with another movement program, so that as I exhale from fish I'm doing a small neck movement with my chin toward my chest and wow, if that little bit of daily yoga doesn't make a huge difference in my body for the day. My feet and hands are often sore from all the pool workouts, but not excrutiating. There's going to be an aquaaerobics class early at the pool next month, so I'm going to pay my $30 and go. I think it'll remind me what I'm not doing and help push me along. I figure the ultimate payoff will be worth it.

So I hang in there.

I kind of randomly found this link for a cat carrier with wheels. Of course, the whole site I'm sure is designed for lonely old cat ladies like Eric the Eternal Flame from college, but I think it'd be a whole lot easier to haul the dog around in one those, too. Heck, I used a carrier on wheels for my kids, so why not my cat or dog?

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Can you believe all the crazy-famous people dying lately? Ed, Farrah, and Michael Jackson. Of course, all kinds of people do that dying thing, but I think it struck me hard that Michael Jackson, also a Virgo, was 50. That's only 5 years away for me! It scared the crap out of me. Mike said, "Yeah, he apparently has been gearing up for his concerts in London. And you'd die of a heart attack, too, if you danced like that."

I ate my salad like a good girl, stayed away from seconds, and kept repeating to myself, "I don't want to die at 50."

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Mike has an interview tomorrow with a gaming company: good money, good bennies, lousy neighborhood (Vegas). I need to go press his suit or something. I'm a nervous wreck about it. We did manage to find the shoe bin in the garage though as a result of it, so that to me seems like a good omen. Shoes are always spiffy. I'm supposed to go to the office tomorrow morning, but I know I won't get much done if I do, so I'm going to stay home and hide aka sleep and do laundry.

Ok, so mostly sleep.

A health blog I was interested in the piece they had about tai chi in this.

Not surprisingly, an hour of exercise a day helps with sugar control, but they even used it with older folks and discovered that they had better balance when they were done. It reminded me of watching an old boyfriend of mine from college, sweating his way through Tai Chi workouts.

I've been swimming a lot and doing yoga pretty regularly, but there's no way I'm ready for Tai Chi. It requires so much knee bending I think I'd be in perfect and exquisite agony when I got all done.

So, in my hunt to find locations, ideas, etc., that help me with my diabetes, I've found a few recent sites.

The other was this health forum which looks at natural medicine approaches to health.

I used to be such a hippie and I guess I still am, so I thought I'd pass those on to you.

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As for my health generally...

I think I've been getting over some of the spinal headache stuff I had from the spinal taps in the hospital at the beginning of May.

My sugars have been up and down. I have been making it to the pool at least 3x a week with the warmer weather and it's been awesome. I do my exercise, I go to the hot tub and stretch, and I feel a lot better.

The stress stuff has been um, sucking. I don't want to go into it here, but suffice it to say it's been freaking hard as hell and if I had time to slow down enough, I'd cry like a baby for a week.

God's testing me. I just wish I'd pass the freaking test already.

Recently, many of us are stressing about our kids taking standardized tests that seem to have everything to do with our kids getting into college. I found the following vocabulary software http://www.vocaboly.com which is supposed to help kids build vocabulary for such purposes.

Additionally, Russell has been using Efofex for his math stuff. For kids on IEP's they offer free software that allows them to do math problems without dealing with handwriting. http://www.efofex.com THey literally turned around and had this back to him in 24 hours. Awesome!

I know I haven't written recently. I've been hideously busy and swamped. I promise I'll get back here soon.

I have had the weekend from hell with the child from hell. I posted that I was "very sad that her (my) 9 year old is making such lousy parent-testing choices." My mother-in-law said, "Gotta let kids be kids. She's only nine. Please be patient." So while I usually bite my tongue, this really pissed me off, so I wrote the following in response:

If you have questions about G or what's going on, just email or call me. I'm here, I'll tell you, but I really don't like the idea of my patience being questioned in front of all of my friends by someone who knows me far less well than most of the people on my facebook, half of whom have known me and my parenting at least 3 years longer than you and the other half who have known me for 10+ years beyond that. I don't think you should walk on eggshells around me, but I also don't think you should speak to things you don't know the back story on. You know my number, so if you want to be supportive, I'd appreciate a call. This weekend was a special trip to hell with this child. I think considering the crap she pulled, I was amazingly patient.

Genny chose not to sleep today. She does things like that. I am pretty sure she purposely set her alarm clock. Her brother likes to brag about being an early riser, so recently her thing has been to set the alarm early in the morning on weekends because she wants to harrass her brother and be cool like him. Saturday, I let her stay up a bit because we'd worked hard on the house. (Stupid choice, in retrospect. especially because I didn't check the freaking alarm clock.) This morning, she claimed that the cat woke her up, but I'm guessing it was her alarm clock because I didn't catch that she'd set it. Additionally, her brother tried to give her her medication which she initially refused to locate and bring to him. Her brother has always been an early riser, but she is not and while she likes to get up with him early, she really really needs to sleep and usually will if the door is closed and we make sure she doesn't set the alarm clock.

Yesterday, Russell was up and his palsy was bad because he's been sick, so he was bouncing off walls (literally) and I shut her door. Unfortunately, I did not know the freaking cat was in her room on her loft bed and was mad to be locked in, so crapped on her blanket. I can't get up the ladder to get the stupid blanket and she was completely freaked out and Russell was sick and was a raving whiny baby about getting the danged blanket for me to get it laundered. But I think it kind of put her off to not have her particular blanket (in the laundry) and to have the crapping kitty with her because she was nervous kitty might strike again, so she may have been more restless. Honestly, I really don't know.

Typically, like her parents, Genny likes to stay up late and sleep in like crazy. During the week, she often gets nowhere near enough sleep and god, it sucks, because she's a whirling dervish of destruction and mayhem without sleep, much like today.

Today she stole a commerative coin I've had from a trip to Washington D.C. when I was 12 (she claimed Mike gave it to her which Mike confirmed was a big fat lie) , stole cookie dough out of the fridge (didn't ask and this after she refused to eat her lunch), and stole the parts to the flashlight in the laundry room. I had been using the flashlight because Mike was gone and with 10 foot ceilings, I can't change the stupid bulb that burned out this morning, until he brings the step stool from the other house or we find one buried in the garage in the boxes. She knew this, so was just trying to stir the pot. Additionally, she got into Mike's cologne, while helping me unpack boxes (I'd gone to do laundry) and had that sprayed all over her room. It's not like he wears it, so she wasn't doing it to get a whiff of him, but just to be creepy. She also claims that the tiny tube of super glue she "found" just happened to "spray" all over her hands. Having used said superglue, I know that that also is a big fat sorry lie and that she was hoping, I would allow her to use nail polish remover to remove it. In fact, I probably have to go check for the nail polish remover and make sure she hasn't taken it and hidden it somewhere. Last weekend, she asked for a piece of gum, which I gave to her. She then PURPOSELY stuck her hair in her mouth with said gum in order to see if peanutbutter really does remove gum from hair and then came in requesting help removing the peanutbutter from her hair. Then she tried to lie to us about that she'd purposely done that. I also found that she helped herself to hard exercisers still in the package that I use with teenage boys in teaching, stealing those for herself. The fact that she'd snuck them and that hid them, demonstrates that she understood she stole them, by the way.

No one on God's green earth can possibly keep up with crazy-no-sleep girl. I am a crazy-no sleep mom trying to keep the house up behind this child and it's hard as hell. And with her, I have to know all her tricks, weirdnesses, eccentricities and crazy mindset to even keep close to even with this child. And yes, I have to be hard as nails with her because if I give this brilliant child one single inch, she assumes all is forgiven and she can go back to behaving like a creep, as she does at least understand logic. Mike recognizes this also and we coordinate discipline together.

As for our response, her alarm clock will be removed from her room next weekend, her door will be shut and the cat will be out. She didn't get dessert tonight and she has been grounded from doing fun stuff -- no TV, no swimming, biking, or computer. I will probably relent on the swimming as it's going to be hotter than hell and we're going anyhow. I think we'll go one night without her to get the point across and then just forego the electronics for the week as they make her icky and I think the exercise is good for her. She will, however, be required to clear table and work on the weeding, which are her two jobs, before she's allowed to go swimming because otherwise, she'll find any excuse to blow it off and I feel it helps keep the kids grounded to have chores.

There is a litany of other stuff, our light-fingered Genny has taken recently and which I have recovered. There is a litany of constant lying we are working on breaking. For example, she is no longer permitted to go into the car alone because if she does, she frequently steals things -- from my CDs, to change from my purse/drink holder, and then she lies about it. I understand that moving is difficult for children with special needs, but this isn't just about the moving, this is just pretty normal craziness for Genny.

Her world will be limited and we'll see how it goes. If it doesn't go well, then we may need to get her up to Reno to see her psychiatrist to consider changing her meds again because I will not live hostage to a 9 year old's totally whacked out behavior.

I think considering how difficult she's been, we've both shown incredible patience. I was singleparenting this weekend with Russell in and out of asthma attacks and Genny being a complete psycho. We are the parents of two children with special needs, which means that their behavior is normal for children with special needs, but not normal when compared to other children. In the future, if you are wondering what is up, please call me before posting requesting my patience on facebook. The fact that you'd say that, simply means that you have no idea of the patience I've already demonstrated.

Ok, the most disgusting things to me in the world are:

mice, reptiles,scorpions and roaches.

We are in Death Valley now and while we may have our usual assortment of mice and reptiles, scorpions and roaches are much more common. Scorpions are less likely in suburbia, but roaches? Roaches eat this shit up. The open can of borax under the sink should have been a dead giveaway, anyhow.

So I'm sitting on the porcelain throne, as is the right of every diabetic Queen in the wee hours of the night, and a roach goes scurrying. I wipe my royal butt and I get up and smoosh it.

And I think to myself,"Self, I betcha that stupid mop has more." So I lift up the mop and another one goes scurrying and it must have seen me limping around because it scurried to a corner I couldn't reach it. Sneaky little bastard.

Then it occurs to me that the kitchen is sort of a pit. So later this morning at first alarm, I'm making hubby get up and do dishes because with 2 bad knees, Momma ain't doing dishes at the moment except in small increments. And his first alarm goes off a good 25 minutes BEFORE he actually pulls his butt out of bed.

I have this one figured out.

Oh, and I am so using the boy's freak out over all things creepy and crawly to keep the dishes up. And I am soooo using the girl's freak out over the same to keep her bathwater in the tub. (Last night's bathroom was a man overboard thing -- so much water, so little time to drown the child.)

And yes, in my head, I keep wondering what implement I could realistically use to reach into that stupid corner behind the toilet to nail that freaking roach. And no, nothing I can reach comes to mind. So when the alarm goes off first for Mike, I am making him kill that thing.

Ok, so we get all moved in. Russell gets here after 2 weeks of no Bear.

I get the kids set up, I start my job.

Then I take a ginormous digger in the shower while trying to put soap away. I tripped on the lip of the shower and fell full force on my "good" knee. The other knee got banged a little and bruised, but I actually bruised the bone on my "good" knee. I also caught the door across my abdomen, so I'm bruised there, too.

I've been icing it and living on vicodan at night. At first, the doctor told me no driving because it's my right knee, but I can do stuff, so I'm just going to take some vicodan and drive home this weekend. I told Mike I wanted to stop at the midway point and spend the night both ways, so I can rest my messed up joint and ice the bejeebers out of it in between. He agreed.

I guess he didn't have much choice because the other choice was to fly him up there and let him pick up and load the truck himself, which he had already come up with about 10 reasons why that was impossible. So..yeah.

Next week, I'm going to be a sad miserable wreck in pain. And darn tootin' I'm going to blame my husband.

Well, Mike got the second choice job. We're losing the house. We have a rental near where his new job is and we're finishing moving there this weekend.

It's hard being between two houses. I have two pans, several bowls, all of my silverware except a can opener, and all of my stoneware, my everyday plates, and paper products. I have the pestle, but not the mortar. I have no pantry except for cake mixes.

I ate some leftover Chinese food and got food poisoning because I didn't want to waste anything in the fridge. I'm still paying somewhat today, but at least the belching weird fumes has stopped and the wondering if that's really a fart has let up. I know that's TMI, but hey, that's food poisoning.

My desk is a plastic table with a huge stain on it that has a homemade tablecloth on it. Everything left to move to here is pretty much in the garage of the other house. There are corners to finish packing, so tomorrow night, we leave to go to the halfway point, so we can get home before noon and snag the truck for the one-way run.

I have also set up an appointment with my doctor to say good bye and to see what the hell to do about my arthritis because this shit of not being able to move is sucking some serious doody. My mom said her arthritis got severe with stress. I can't imagine why she thinks I'm stressed...moving 2 special needs kids across a huge state, setting up their schools, setting up utilities, unpacking boxes, keeping everyone normal...no...that's not stressful. ;p

I have so little time I can call my own any more.

I get a couple hours each weeknight before I have to hit the hay and everyone seems to urgently and frenziedly need me at that time. Russell even cuddles now, which if you know Russell, is soooo unusual.

The cat is um...fucking ridiculous? She doesn't leave me alone at night. Last night, I was trying to cuddle with Mike and we finally just tossed her out of the room because she wouldn't let up.

I've felt sad several times when Genny's come home and her hair's a mess from Mike's poor hairdressing skills. Thursday night, I brushed her hair out and put it in curlers, just so when she woke up, she'd have pretty hair that her dad couldn't mess up. It still looked cute when she came home, so I'm going to try that again.

Yesterday, I went to Michael's (the craft store) and they had a bargain bin of beads and charms, so I spent too much. So far, I've made a set of copper chile earrings, a set of stars and moons copper earrings, a set of coffee pot earrings, repaired two old earrings, and made a single pair of brass lace heart earrings.

I've got a favorite set of earrings and a necklace which need repairs, so I am looking them over to figure out how to proceed without damaging them in the repair process. It's an interesting assortment of handpainted animals interspersed with painted wooden and glass beads of varying sizes. The necklace is kind of a sunburst pattern and I have a single earring with three different animals hanging off of it. Two of the animals look similar, so I am considering taking those two strands and making a pair of earrings out of them and then placing the third strand aside in the bead bin for later repairs. I only have a single wooden anchor bead, so I may change the anchor bead to something else similar, in keeping with the feel of the set.

Otherwise, I am anticipating a week of stormy weather to drive to and from work in. Mike leaves for an interview on Wednesday for a job that is decidedly second choice -- like a job that he would enjoy, but that would not entail allowing us to keep our home, but that we could survive on. I may or may not be able to change locations and work for my company near him. If I can't keep my job, then he will probably bargain for them to pay him on the lower end of the range and to pay his cobra from his old job, as they are offering no benefits. With Obama's changes to COBRA, it would only be $500/month, so they may be willing. I am not discussing a thing with my company until they offer him a job, though.

He had another interview which seemed to go very well and it would pay at least 2x more, but would involved a move out of state to a very pricey area. We haven't heard about a second interview, so we'll see what happens.

I keep thinking that if tired were a color it would be gray. And then I think about what I know about auras and I think that white is pure and clean and that black is poison and wonder what that means about my sense of my life as the color gray.

I think all the rain and snow and clouds makes me feel gray, too. I drove up this weird dirt road with Mike the other day because he resented me being on the phone on the way home from town. So I took him up the hill a piece and we watched it storm on the Sierras and watched the rednecks crisscrossing their big-tired rigs and ATV's across the desert and we talked and held hands. Then we drove home and unloaded the groceries.

I keep expecting my knees to be worse, but they're not.

I seem to have enough balance between walking and sitting with my job and my knees are about the least agonizing they've been in a while. I'm not even taking the glucosamine, which normally, I can't hardly stand to be without.

I did buy some good shoes to alternate with my eccos, but I'm not hardly wearing the eccos because I want to dress up. It makes me feel better and more formal and professional, which comes across in my voice at work. No, I will not start wearing makeup, but I am finding the clothes make a difference. Come summer with the heat of the season, I may change my mind about how formal I want to be, but for right now, it's putting me in a good mindset.

I'm making fewer mistakes overall, which is nice, too.

They keep threatening we're going to get lots and lots of snow, but so far it's been pretty disappointing. On the plus side, the mountains are getting a lot and that's where the bulk of our water table comes from. We're heading into week two of snow/rain showers throughout the week.

I'm very disgusted we're not getting more here. I like the snow and it happens so infrequently. I know I should be careful what I wish for, but I really do like it. And I know it poses all kinds of hazards and all, but it's so unbelievably beautiful and I still treasure a morning of pristine snow-covered landscape. Like the autumn in the New England, I miss winter, too. Winters here often threaten to be like New England winters, but usually fall far short, but I wait for those surprising storms that fulfill the dream of my memory.

If bones could be tired to their bones, my bones' bones would be exhausted.

Valentine's day is just kind of fun for me. I bought a few things for the kids. I got G-bug a webkins, which I'd never heard of. When I heard about it, I knew it was a Genny kind of thing. I got Russell a Valentine's mouse. I got Mike a cute little frame and I'm going to have Genny take pictures of me and then I'll pick the nicest one and put it in there for him. I also got Genny and I matching flower pens that fit in a pot.

Work sucks. Nuff said.

Mike rocks. He gets up every morning, gets me breakfast and coffee, and helps me with lunch. He's doing all the errands and we plan meals for the week on weekends.

He's applying for work. He's looking into how to get coursework. He's a great human.

I wish I had more energy and time to have sex with him is all. :D

This morning was less painful and I could tell that I'd turned the infection corner, but I'm still really congested and that's sliming up my lungs. I get wheezy at night and the doc and I discussed how I might end up on steroids and insulin by the end of the weekend.

I sigh in the general direction of the needle box. Dear Needle Box, I'd flip you a bird, but I'm only up to lifting this single feather...

As I was answering the phones at work, customers were commenting on how much like crap I sounded like and were wishing me a speedy recovery and the like. It was really quite sweet.

I want to go do fun stuff with the kids, but I need to curl up in bed and hug the pillow and kitty cat. I did purchase some sledding stuff, so maybe we'll hit that up in the mountains from here, hopefully, on Sunday, after I've had a day to lay around like a slug.

In other news, Mike and I had a chat today.

I basically said he needs to get a wolf job (to keep the lupine critters from the door) and bone up on his programming. He blew yet another interview and with his experience, he shouldn't be doing that. We looked around for advanced computer programming coursework, but it was all in these weird seminar type things, so we both felt it was better for him to pick it up out of a book everyone was talking about in his research and start writing his own code to do stuff. He started researching the stuff he didn't know and that's a good start, I think.

He has had 3 months to get employed with his dream job or something resembling it, but is up the creek with a tight economy. I told him to get a bill payer. He agreed.

It blows, but it's a start.

Despite my stupid flu shot, I've got the flu and bad. Even my finger, toes, and ankles joints are hurting.

I slept for a couple hours and now, I'm up because the joint pain woke me up. I took some tylenol, though I really wanted some doggone vicodan. I finally got celebrex today, so my knee doesn't make me want to curl up in a ball and die. I've been sporadically taking vicodan over the past week to get through and I always feel wiggy about taking anything other than one at night because I've often been taking 2 at night and then one in the morning this past week. I understand how people do get addicted to these things because it's such a relief not to feel the pain even for a few hours.

Fortunately, 3 vicodan in one day does not make me a hardcore addict and it buys me enough relief to be functional without celebrex. Thankfully, I'm on celebrex again, though, so I'm setting aside my foray into vicodan for just regular tylenol and I doubled up on my celebrex to get some of the swelling down.

Swelling you say? Yeah. I'm so darned graceful, I tell you what! I had the coordination and misfortune to take a bad slip in the tub. A straw from one of Genny's juice things had fallen in the tub from the trash can and I didn't see it and my foot hit that thing and went sliding. I grabbed for the stupid curtain rod and screeched in pain which got Mike flying out of bed to help me at 445 am. My knee has been swollen and horrible all day.

Add that to the flu pain and I'm a pain-ridden wreck. I'm talking to my doctor about that tomorrow. Feh.

We had to be kind of hard-nosed about it, but Mike went into the dealer the next morning and told them to give him back his check. They hadn't given us keys or anything and were waiting on a cashier's check, which of course, Mike didn't give them. They thrashed and tried to threaten and Mike ignored them and took back his check.

So this weekend, we go auction hunting and see how it goes. We really need a 4wd because the county just announced that they're not going to plow roads off school bus routes to save money. The Buick can't do heavily snowed on, unplowed roads.

I found a subaru forester at this used car place, but they never return calls and I haven't had the energy to deal with used car salesmen after work. The problem is that these places want to finance you, regardless of credit to make any extra money they can. We just want to pay cash and get the hell out of there. I don't want to have to make any more stupid payments in a month. I'm having a hard enough time making my bills, so adding one more is the last danged thing I'm interested in.

The auctions have been sucking lately, so I'm nervous about our ability to get as lucky as we did with the Buick last year. We'll just see.

I'm freaking out again.

We went to a Subaru dealership to buy a used subaru because they last forever, are 4 wheel drive and get excellent mileage.

Somehow, we ended up contracting to buy a dodge dakota, which only has one of those features -- the 4wd.

I really really really don't want it.

Have to talk to Mike in an hour.

Ugh.

I've only had 1 can of soda today, which compared to my usual amounts of caffeine during the week mean that I am suffering from withdrawal from caffeine with a king-sized headache.

*whine*

Lately, my life has been a really sick and wrong cocktail of coffee and caffeinated diet sodas throughout the day at work. Then I switch to water. Then I go home. I eat my dinner.

I try to handle stuff for the house -- giving Mike a list of crap to do and making calls as I can and stuff. Tonight, I tracked down more of the stealing my credit card info crap on our bank account. 20 minutes on hold to get transferred to another number and left on hold for another 15 minutes and so on. I was not amused.

Then, I drink my tummy drink and go to bed.

I wake up panicking like a freak in the wee hours of the night, take a xanax and a melatonin, and I go back to bed. It's kind of sad and it's where I'm at, so I'm just living with that. The money is scaring the shit out of me.

For some reason, my knee has been tons better this week. I have no idea why. Last week, I thought I was going to die of arthritis of the knee. However, I still can't walk much more than 200 feet at a time without my back starting to scream.

I took my xanax and melatonin early. I'm hoping the tummy meds don't take too much of it away from my bloodstream. Maybe I can skip the panicky wake up in the middle of the night.

What?! You know it could soo happen.

I'm all sad. My beautiful van got repossessed. It was creepy, too. Some guy knocked on our door and rang the bell at 10PM! Who the hell does that?

I'd hoped we would have time to get the danged severance check from Mike's company, but for some reason they didn't get the huge stuffed enveloped we mailed to them covered in stamps. Mike completely freaked out when he called and was told that they hadn't received it and the due date had passed.

The guy took it though via fax and we're now waiting for the check. It should get mailed out tomorrow, but too late for the van.

Mike and I discussed it and we figure we can pick up a cheaper commuter car from auctions and avoid the huge monthly payments and save the house. Our credit's screwed anyhow, so it's not like we have any interest in worrying about that. And there's lots of other people's repo'ed cars at the dealers, so we may end up with one of those. Mike wants the 4WD, but I am thinking we get a cheap commuter car for now and fuck the snow. The big snow season stuff has really passed to be honest and we're absolutely dry as a bone here now.

I figure once he gets a job, we can sock away money and get a 4x4. Right now, we just need working wheels for kid pick up and driving around. We have chains for the Buick, so we're covered.

Other than that, I'm up at this hour because I'm in agony. My joints are all inflamed and I feel like trash. Earlier, even my finger joints were hurting. I'm low on vicodan, so I'm trying to be sparing with it, but I'm sorely tempted to pound what I have. I took 2 and then those started to wear off after 4 hours, so I'm here waiting for them to kick over again. I will be at work tomorrow nodding off, I'm sure, but as long as my body is in my chair, I don't give a rat's patooty. I've got caffeine in large supply and I can pee at will with this job, so I'll do what I have to.

I also have holy cow gas -- like distending my insides to blimp-like proportions. I think it's from all the meds for the pain and stuff, but dang, it blows, so to speak, or in this case, doesn't blow enough.

I have my black hippy patchwork dress that's loose and comfortable and I can get away with knee socks under it. I'm just a lowly customer service representative, so I'm not having to dress like a fashion icon for this job. Jeans and pants seem like they'd be way too constrictive and well, they aren't clean either. I wish I could find a single pair of my softwalk shoes. I have a single brown one...I suspect the other is buried beneath things that I can't lift.

Just one stupid pair would be lovely. They're comfortable and supportive and they give me a break from other shoes, so my feet aren't all crunchy painful. Once the check arrives, I'm going to buy a pair. I need something to alternate my feet into from my ecco sneakers.

Ok. I'm hitting the tired wall.

(THUD)

I should be tired and I kind of am, but I think that 12 hours straight of sound sleeping on Sunday night and a solid 8 last night with an hour of drowsing made a big difference.

I'm overwhelmed and underwhelmed with the work training. I keep feeling frustrated because I'm such a kinesthetic learner that we're not actually experimenting with it, messing up and learning from our mistakes. I learn very well that way. Memorizing the same information presented in 10 different formats is driving me crazy. At the same time, I'm learning it, so half my brain obviously gets it and is at odds with the other half that doesn't.

I ate pizza last night and paid like crazy today with the gas and discomfort stuff, despite remembering my tummy medication. Tonight's fare involves ground turkey, though, so I think it'll go better for me tomorrow.

I'm eating carefully and losing weight, though I don't know how much. I have to convince myself to get up and throw on a swimsuit and go to the pool some morning soon. I may buck up the courage on Wednesday or Thursday.

This morning freaked me out because I got pulled over and the cop took 15 minutes to decide NOT to give me a ticket because my windshield was frosty, despite copious scraping. I did take a picture of it with my phone to show that it wasn't that bad, though, which he may have seen me do. The stupid front license plate is missing on the danged car and apparently, that's not legal either, so Mike will have to resolve that for me.

Of course, when the cop asked me for my license, I couldn't find it immediately and I couldn't easily get to my damned registration without taking apart the freaking car(putting up the cup holder and all the crap in the little compartment behind it) and dumping my coffee. I gave him my license number. Then I went to work and found my license and dug out the registration and started to walk to his car with them in hand, and he met me halfway and sent me on my way. I started to ask him if he could hold my coffee a minute and he looked at me like I was smoking crack and I sort of left the sentence hanging in the air, realizing how dumb it sounded after it left my mouth. He said, "Uh, no." (But he was really nice about it)Being flustered makes you say the stupidest stuff.

Of course, then I was flying all the way to work, so as to not be late, which blew completely. Thankfully, he was NOT on that road. :P

On the plus side, I got home to my house, cringing at the thought...and Mike had cleaned the livingroom spotlessly. He's a great househusband! He even makes my lunch and coffee for me in the mornings. I am definitely going to have to be less tired and more prone to putting out.

I don't think I've ever been so grateful for Friday and 5 o'clock. Hitting Friday made me want to get on my knees and thank God for it, in my employer's parking lot. I wished heartily that company policy would permit me to wear this t-shirt, but alas, no, t-shirts with a message violates company dress code.

Co-workers commented on the 84 fluid oz of diet dr pepper I had over the course of the day and I reminded them of the coffee this morning. To be fair though, the instructor is an old smoker and so has poor circulation and is on the mistaken impression that our training room is comfortable at 84 degrees or more, despite being only a hollowed out set of cubicles in the bowels of bureaucratic hell. I fully expect the devil himself to pop out of my computer with the whips, chains and other implements of torture to finish me off. When we gripe enough at the instructor, he remembers to go poke the construction crew to turn stuff on the way they should and the room airs out fast. By that time, we've reached comatose levels of on-the job training.

And I'm fucking tired. I haven't worked a 40 hour week since teaching and I spent every single night of that falling flat on my face and then, I blew my weekends in a fetal position in bed. Without the option of a nap or a day to sleep in between days at work, I'm wiped out tired. I am not yet accustomed to getting to bed at a decent hour either, and I'm having a difficult time juggling taking sleeping meds and stomach meds. I can only take sleeping meds, 1 hour before or 4 hours after stomach meds. If I take them 1 hour before, I'd be asleep by the time I had to take the stomach stuff. The other choice is to remember to take them when I get home, which might work, if I can just remember.

It's hard though because I miss everyone so much and they miss me, so I get distracted with spending precious time with them.

What's worse is that about the time I get my clock reset for working 8-5, the hours will change to 6-3. While overall, I think those are probably better hours for my family than graveyard shift, most anyone who knows me, knows fully well, that I am not, nor have I ever been a morning person. Morning is a time zone allotted for crazy people who do not require caffeine to open their eyes.

So for the moment, my caffeine intake is at insane levels. I think sleeping this weekend as much as I want will help.

Other people are party animals on the weekend. I'm a hibernating animal.

Work isn't hard material to learn during my training period. I am finding that it's just grueling to be accustomed to 8 hours a day and walking on cement floors. While the walking isn't the majority of the job, it's the long walks to the cafeteria and bathrooms at the moment that end up hurting. My knee is enormous and excrutiatingly painful.

Last night, I took my first vicodan for agony in a long time and to some degree, that felt like a failure.

Until I get better adjusted to the hours and energy involved, I'm not doing the club. My hope is to start next week. I'm starting next week with that -- probably just a couple days a week. I may even go this weekend once -- just to test the waters, so to speak.

I like having a schedule and it's working for my sugars, too. It also helps me organize my food, which helps my liver function better. I think it's helping me suffer through this adjustment period better, too.

Dinner was hash and had a bit more oil than I should realistically eat. That diet change means I'm a gassy mess at the moment. I have a small classroom and I sit farthest from the door. That should be big fun. :P

Returning to my lowfat diet will be justified and welcome.

Foodwise....So yesterday, I ate a good breakfast -- veggie quesadilla, resisted my husband's efforts to load it with meat/fat/calories. For dinner, hubby wanted to just toss a jar of spaghetti sauce on noodles. I shudder to think! I loaded the sauce with veggies (zucchini, spinach, and mushrooms) and tolerated his addition of well-drained hamburger.

I got one of my arthritis exercise videos yesterday and I determined that I have to do it on the bed. (Yeah, I know...I said, "do it.") It requires being on my hands and knees and laying down and things that would normally be really hard on a bad knee. If I have to get on my hands and knees, I'm locking the door from the husband or banning him from the room because I strongly suspect I won't get through the workout otherwise.

Everyone thought it was weird that he'd get me Barbies for Christmas, but they were cheap and he got me a few earrings and the candle stuff I like, but I was saying how I missed playing with Barbies. Frankly, it's been calming to sit there and change them in and out of clothes. I think with the stressors of late, that reverting to childhood calming behaviors isn't that weird. Genny thrashes her barbies anyhow, so it kind of stinks to try to play barbies with her. When I had my own, I enjoyed playing with her more, so she could trash hers and I could take care of mine.

What is this leading up to?

Well, Mike got me an after Christmas gift of a Wonder Woman Barbie. She's got articulating wrists and elbows, which is unusual in a Barbie, but I think they kept the original Barbie design for her boobage. Apparently, some years back they decided to reduce the boobage size of barbies to make them more reflective of real women because they determined that if her boobs were that big for real, she'd fall over. However, Wonder Woman has a serious comic book rack.

I want to open the box and play with her soooo bad because she's beautiful and her costume rocks. She's got her little bullet deflecting bracelets on, her truth lasso, and her crown that converts to a boomerang. I am thinking the Barbie crown doesn't convert to a boomerang, but I'm enjoying my fantasy. Her boots are to her knees and I like how her hair has some of the curl it should. She's very accurate, which is really awesome.

Just shut up.

I told Mike he'll have to buy me a second one, so I can play with one and admire the other. I'm thinking Malibu Barbie would look hot dressed as Wonder Woman for Halloween and that her beach extra wide feet that won't fit into regular Barbie shoes might fit into those Wonder Woman boots. I feel for Malibu Barbie with her extra wide feet. As I discovered that she would not fit into any of the regular Barbie shoes, I muttered under my breath, "Welcome to my World!"

Work starts Monday. I'm looking forward to it. It sounds like Monday will be the basic orientation, benefits presentation stuff.

Mike's had a couple promising interviews, but nothing yet.

So lifestyle changes -- those small slides that lead to 10lbs gained in a year can also lead to small personal gains.

In my kids' group we are discussing what small changes we can make to improve our diet and exercise. One of my big ones is my breakfast change.

Yesterday, I had the worst asthma attack I've had in ages. It occurred to me that I wasn't sure if I'd taken my singulair recently. I was exhausted from the attack, so I fell asleep about 930 on the bed and with a few small breaks, I slept through until about 830. So I got up early and took my meds.

I'm sure it also helped that another choice I made yesterday while out, was to order a big salad and nail most of it, so I ate less pizza, so this morning, I woke up hungry and at a good fasting sugar.

This morning, I took my singulair and added it to all my days in my pill planner. I'm also going to take a dose of advair. Hopefully, I'll have a better asthma day!

So it's not a resolution, it's kind of more that the holidays are over, so I am determined to lose weight because I'm out of excuses.

A work schedule will help me stay organized. I can restrict what food I bring with me. I can give myself the snacks I need and control that. I can go to the club to work out before I work, so it won't impede family time.

I know when I am not going to work, I need a back up plan I can do at home, so I ordered videos for bad knees and sit-down workouts, so I can maintain the metabolic gains from the club.

My evil plan is to adhere to that.

I've changed my breakfast to my cottage cheese fruit and low fat quesadilla thing. I figure if I do that most of the time, I'll be ok. For one, I get dairy out of it and for another, I keep my sugars good. The problem is that I run out of fuel, so my coffee breaks will have to include an appropriate snack like crackers and cheese or a tablespoon of almond butter.

I've given up on walking because when walking, my back is soooo bad that I have to stop, stretch, and resume walking a few steps and keep going. I get exercise, but it's insane and excrutiating which removes it from being even vaguely motivating.

We're also considering a Wii fit.

So I'm tracking things. I'm setting up an excel sheet and tracking it.