Things have been bad.

I haven't quite been able to figure out what I wanted to post here about it, so I guess I'll just say...

...I told Mike that after all the times that I've been there for him, covering things for him when he needed it that I deeply resented that he wasn't there for me when I really needed him over the past two years while I've been ill. There was no excuse, for example, why I should have been trying to pay bills from my hospital bed in March. I had begged Mike for 2 years to take over the bills because I was making stupid ridiculous mistakes and was sick and exhausted and often on painkillers. In retrospect, I understand the looks of horror I got from the nurses when I said my hospital stay from my knee replacement was the best vacation I'd ever had. It really was and that's just fucking sad.

...I told Mike that if he didn't start actively working on house stuff I would move in with Melody in Utah because I cannot do it alone any more. He's started to make repairs, but the house is an unmitigated pit. It's frustrating to be at someone else's whim and at the whim of my body.

...I told Mike that he really needed to pursue support for his depression and that whatever he was doing wasn't working. I also said I realize it's pot.kettle.black., but that I really wanted him to be ok, too. He hasn't done much towards this at all. I think he thinks if he ignores me, I'll go away. What he doesn't understand is that I am seriously considering that.

...I strongly urged Mike to find a job in Utah because we can't afford to live here and because in Utah, I'd have help and support from Melody and her family. I don't get it much from my family and certainly not from Mike's, but whatever. I know Melody would be there for me.

...Things are bad enough financially that we aren't going to make the mortgage this month and a lot of other bills, too. I'm juggling a lot, but it's still pretty ugly.

I put in for substitute jobs, but I haven't heard a thing from any of them. I'm calling this week to find out why.

If I can't get substituting soon, I'm just going to pick up temp work where I can.

My apnea is back, but the leg lifts are helping manage my sugars pretty well. I am back on my cpap machine and have been sleeping delicious sleeps, though my schedule is still completely thwacked, as demonstrated by the fact that it's 630am and I've not slept a whit all night.

I'm panicked and freaked out about the money, but there's not a damned thing I can do about it, except tell our creditors and do my best to pay everyone and hope they work with me. If they choose not to, we'll turn to Credit Counseling and get them off our backs. At worst, if we go into foreclosure, Mike's retirement monies can save us. Hopefully, it won't get to that, but it might. Mike is supposed to take over the bills shortly. Hopefully, that will give him a sense of just how tight we need to be living.