Wednesday, April 27, 2005

My knee hurts. A lot.

Getting my freakin' wheelchair is a clusterfuck of gi-normous proportions. I don't want to even go into how little I think of Lin-fucking-care and the nasty bitch Sh3lby who's a freakazoid incompetent jerk.

I finally called the insurance company and whined a great deal and asked for help, which I got. To my credit however, the insurance company person thought Sh3lby was a bitch, too.

Hah, Sh3lby!

Bitch!

__

So at the diabetes education center I knew everything already. I just need to actually eat the snacks I bring with me. I need to be sure I get an afternoon snack I can live with. I need to keep up the exercise. Everyone says I'm stressed out, so I'm going to do a Reiki class in a few weeks and see if that helps. If it does, I am going to keep doing that.

I figure it'd be worth 5 hours, just to focus on myself instead of doing stuff for everyone else, which has been my problem lately.

I also thought briefly tonight on the drive home about how it would be nice to live in town because I wouldn't have to drive a half hour to get to anything. I often feel like I spend the day driving. I'd hate to give up my view of the sun setting on the mountains on a nightly basis.

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

I'm finally going to have knee surgery -- next Wednesday. Because of that, I am officially off the anti-inflammatory and will be taking vicodan from noon to midnight daily until the surgery. I was promised more serious pain stuff after the surgery. There's good and bad to that. The good is the lack of pain. The bad is the serious drug thing and also the drug masks the pain, so that I can inadvertently do too much. I'm going to have to be careful as hell and use the crutches and wheelchair when I get it.

Tomorrow, I get my wheelchair. The thing that shocked me about the wheelchair is that I am getting one paid for because the expectation is that I may need it for time to come because of the apparent severity of the arthritis in my knee. If we find that after the surgery that I am still dependent on the wheelchair, we're going to have to sell the house, because it's multi-level. We have a sunken livingroom and the rest of the house -- bedrooms and bathroom on one end and kitchen on the other, are up steps. That prospect plain breaks my heart. I know something better will come along and all that crap, but I don't want better or different, I love this house. Buying it was like this dream come true. Of course, in another year or two, it'll be worth twice what we paid for it, so getting a different house won't be impossible, but I don't think we'll be able to get the land that we have, too, though with a messed up knee, land may be less of an option anyhow.

With that in mind, I'm thinking I might see about getting big tree planters to put the two remaining nectarines in, so if we have to move, we can take them with us. Mostly, it scares me a lot.

The surgery scares me, too. They are all freaked out about what to do about my apnea, and basically, I said that I can bring the machine with me and they can titrate what they have to into the mask. The nurse asked why they would do that and I said,"Because without the machine, my oxygen levels drop to below 88% and that's a bad thing. Giving me oxygen will not make me breathe it." Duh. Also, they are scheduling me because of a cancellation at 1245 and I can't eat 8 hours prior to the surgery, so I am going to have to get up at 4AM and eat a sandwich and take my thyroid meds, so my sugars don't drop out. I may blow off my meds the night before to keep my sugars up enough and because they'll probably give me a glucose/insulin drip IV.

The thing that scares me most about the surgery is that when they are all done, there may be no difference between the before and after or minimal difference. That would be the worst outcome possible.

Of course, the best thing is if I felt pretty good, then I could swimming my butt off at the local water park with the kids all summer. Someone suggested a once a week thing. I'm thinking more along the lines of a several times a week thing. I want my damned money's worth and I want to swim and exercise. Lazy River and Wave Pool, here I come! I figure, even if I feel like crap, I can swim and feel better.

I've been remembering as I swim, even now, how much I enjoy it. I really am a warm water swimmer though -- I hate 70 degree water. I don't even want to contend with it, if it isn't 85 or above, unless the air temperature is really warm, then I like cooler water, obviously, but this time of year, with the frost still on the air, I want warm water. It feels like an ill-afforded luxury that I relish.

Well, I've gotta go cover several loaves of banana nut chocolate chip bread and muffins and go to bed. (I'm sending some to LaDawn and taking some with me to Genny's dance class tomorrow to give them to Mel.)

My knee got so swollen today that snug pants were hurting and I got into my big comfy jammies. Now, I'd like to put them to good use because I won't be doing the tango in them particularly soon.

Monday, April 25, 2005

Well, I didn't sleep well last night. That's two Sundays that that's happened. I think it's because Sunday is the last day of the weekend and I'm kind of stuck hurrying up and finishing up what I want to get done, so I do too much and my knee kicks back.

Yesterday, in fumbling about into the bathroom, I did something so awful to my knee that I absolutely could not tolerate weight on it at all, so I was trying to swing my body around on my one good leg or just use the tiptoe of the bad leg. I'm just too damned fat for that. Last night, unfortunately was a function of pain -- in its purest and most dreadful form, so I tossed and turned and struggled with the agony. Then I got up several times, adjusted position, pillows, blankets, etc. and thought seriously about taking far more vicodan than I should, but I didn't. I just put up with it.

I got up this morning, exhausted, drove Bear to physical therapy a few minutes early and then went to the nice warm therapy pool and worked out. I did a bunch of arm stuff, including jumping up and down on my good leg. The use of my icky leg was completely out of the question. After the workout, I called and left a message with my doctor's office that I had to be able to rent a wheelchair for a while til I get right and that I really wanted them to call and let me know when we were going to be scheduling the arthroscopy because it's been a damned week already.

I got a song and dance about that it would be soon and that I should be getting called soon, and was promised a call this afternoon that I never got, regarding the wheelchair. I'm going to have to call and bitch tomorrow, too. That alone is exhausting, frankly.

I came home after my workout, slept for an hour and a half, and then went to LaDawn's to watch kids while she learns to train her baby horse for riding. While the two girls slept, I kept watch with Kylie til her mom got there. I found a flower catalog and this 2 year old and I went through it and decided what flowers we liked. She told me which ones she liked and which ones she wanted to get for her mommy.

I, of course, liked all the purple ones, but she really liked the pink ones and swore that's what her mommy likes, too. I kept identifying the colors she was pointing out -- I figured that even dreaming about flowers can be educational. We found butterfly hair clips on the table and an empty little plastic container that had been in one of those bubblegum machines in stores that has some kid-type toy in it. She's at that age where she likes to put things into other things. I put one of the butterfly clips in the bubble thing and she kept putting something in there and taking it out and having me snap it shut. Then we found a very tiny game of Trouble -- like keychain size and I showed her how to push the bubble. She thought that was a lot of fun. She colored a picture of trumpets and we made pretend trumpets with our hands and giggled. In some ways, I was thinking about how I miss that I'm not having any more babies as I played with her, but I also had that sense of grandmother to me -- I enjoyed the moment, but was glad to give her to her mother.

Today, my food wasn't spiffy or even vaguely perfect. I had lowfat cottage cheese and fruit for breakfast, a couple hotdogs and a diet soda for lunch, and rice, beans, and turkey in *Hamburger Helper* enchilada mix for dinner. The salad that was supposed to be good through May 1 was dead, unfortunately, so not many veggies for me. I really have a hankering for sugarpeas. I could eat a couple handfuls of those, I tell you what. I think I have some snowpeas in there, but it means limping down the hall to find them in the fridge and I'm really enjoying my single vicodan of this evening because while my knee may be hurting like hell in another dimension, in the current vicodan dimension, it barely hurts at all.

I'm still wiped out. I have to drive into town yet, and pick up Bear's prescription. Fortunately, all I have to do tomorrow is spend time at LaDawn's again. I think this time, I'm bringing books for the shorty, who has to wait for her Mommy, and reading to her. Genny could hear me spending time with this kid and was wildly jealous -- she kept bugging me until the little one went home. Then she went to bed and conked.

I had yoga today. My yoga teacher says that the secret to healing is to breathe. I think that's the secret to everything, actually. Just Breathe.

Saturday, April 23, 2005

While driving down the road the other day between the "big" cities here, I saw a billboard for an Etta James concert. I about lost my mind. Etta James is my favorite blues woman of all time. I also love Bessie Smith -- I used to listen to her on scratchy vinyl at the library in New Hamster, but Bessie has been dead for some time, so Etta James is the only one I can see in person.

We drove clear up to the concert (45 minute drive) and were told that the concert had been cancelled -- for 10 whole minutes. She had another one tomorrow, which she had also cancelled, due to illness. I was so disappointed!

Mike and I so rarely get a night out that I was double-bummed!

He and I talked with Sarah (our designated sitter for tonight) and we decided to go do something else. It was too late to get into theaters, so we giggled and said,"Let's go to Barnes and Noble." I know everyone else goes to Borders, but we bought one of those discount cards with B&N, so that's where we went. Besides the B&N here has a Starbucks.

So we spent two hours tooling around there, buying books and CD's, sipping coffee and then reading at Starbucks. I didn't want to come home exactly, but I really wanted to make out with my husband, so we came home, where I iced my knee, took a bed-time vicodan, and smooched.

It's kind of like meditating long enough and revealing nirvana.

Thursday, April 21, 2005

Well, I swam this morning, as I had hoped.

I started off in the cooler "big" pool. But I couldn't move enough to get warm in the water without thrashing my knee. I started doing my usual laps -- alternating strokes, etc. After feeling a few loud pops, I realized that I can't do that in my current state. I carefully limped out of the pool and went to the nice warm therapy pool, where I did a lot of arm stuff, swung my bum leg from the hip a lot and bounced around on my good leg.

It was somewhat aerobic, but mostly, it felt like a breakthrough to actually get my big fat butt in the pool. Mostly, I was surrounded with old people, but they were all very nice and someone told me that most of the people there had all had knee replacements. *sigh*

I was embarrased to bring my crutches to the pool, so I left them in the car. I didn't do lots of walking today, but I think I did enough that my knee is absolutely excrutiatingly painful at the moment. I took a vicodan at about 430 and I could literally feel it kick in -- almost to the second because the difference of pain versus no pain was that enormous. I have let it slide until bedtime because I figure I'm in for a bad night and I'm trying to be judicious in my use of the narcotic stuff, per my doctor's instructions. It's been two very sore hours.

___

When I went to pick up Genny at LaDawn's, she had a fat lip. Apparently, she'd done a face plant off the swing and LaDawn and I talked a bit and agreed that she's falling a lot and isn't her usual sunshine self. I tried to get her into the pediatrician, but he's out of town and the bitch on call is the pediatrician we dumped to get the one we have. She's someone I truly can't stand and has the bedside manner of overflowing toilet of diarrhea. I kid you not. She's that bad.

One time, she made me come in three times in a week and a half ($45 in copays, not to mention the 50 minutes round trip of driving each fucking time), while Genny suffered with ear infections because she didn't think she was "that" bad and wouldn't give her the needed antibiotics. That bitch made my kid suffer, for which I still harbor a desire to decorate the waiting room with her innards.

When she was listed in the paper as one of the 17 families whose house burned in the big forest fire, I found myself thinking, "I can't think of anyone who deserves it more, Bitch." What was worse was when I told myself I should feel guilty, I couldn't summon sympathy for her, no matter how I tried. I have never truly loathed someone, but I loathe her. It's not very Christian, I realize, and not even nice, so all I can do is ask God to forgive me for being so angry.

After the ear infection incident -- the next time Genny needed to get seen, I asked for Dr. Hall, who initially hadn't been taking new patients, and explained that my son really wanted a male doctor and I was not comfortable with Dr. Bitch's approach. When I talked to Dr. Hall's nurse, she said,"We get that a lot about her." Whenever I see her at Dr. Hall's office, I have to seriously stifle the desire to run over to her and beat her fucking ass. I give her one of those fake smiles, one of the ones that hides the "Eat shit and DIE" feelings marginally and I turn away carefully.

When they told me today that's all they had available, I took Genny to urgent care this evening because I wouldn't trust that doctor to care for my plastic goldfish, nevermind my child.

(Should I tell you how I really feel? Should I?)

Genny's got a pretty bad sinus infection that is also in her left ear. That's why her knees are so skinned up and why she's been taking so many diggers lately. Poor baby! She started the 'cillin and she should be feeling better by the end of the weekend, thank God!

Sometimes, she's such a pain, but my gosh, when she's sweet, she's adorable. Even while she's been feeling lousy, she's been sweet. She wants to "help" me a lot, now that I'm on crutches and stuff. On the one hand, you want to say,"Oh, Good God, don't help!," but she's so earnest about it, that I've been finding ways to channel that and work with her. When we shop, I ask her to get stuff off the shelves and help unload the basket. She takes it very seriously -- she'll even fight with Bear about getting to help.

I am looking forward to the weekend. It's supposed to rain on Sunday, which means lots of reading on the couch together.

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

So, the orthopedist is going to line me up with an arthroscopy. He said that my knee should be settling down. I laughed. I had sat on my butt for three days elevating and icing it and the swelling finally had started to go down, but I can't sit around doing nothing for days on end. I told the doctor that all I'd have to do is a couple loads of laundry and it'd explode to three times its normal size.

I went grocery shopping last night. Usually, I use those little electric cart things and stuff the crutches at the courtesy desk, but the courtesy desk at the store was far away and I saw no sign of little electric carts, so I figured I could use the shopping cart as a walker sort of thing. Halfway through shopping, I was crutching like a mad woman to go pee and the restrooms are by the courtesy desk where they had a veritable fleet of electric cart things. Nonetheless, I got a cart for the rest of my shopping experience.

It's hard to use those stupid things with 4 year olds. I nearly ran Genny over about 6 times.

I missed the supersized version of my knee, so it's back, but I've got three loads of laundry done and a fridge full of groceries! My doctor said that I can swim. I asked about the swelling. He said it shouldn't bother my knee. Of course, my knee should be settling down, too, so I'm not holding my breath that he's not a big fat sorry liar. He also lied when he said that the knee injections wouldn't hurt.His credibility is at an all-time low with me, I tell you what.

Tomorrow, I'm thinking, I might just go tool around in the pool for half an hour while Bear has his physical therapy. Even if I can't do much, it'll feel better than nothing. There's a therapy pool in town -- usually around 85 degrees complete with a handicap rail and ramp. I bought water shoes last night, so it's just that whole pain in the ass thing of wearing a swim suit and getting in and out of the damned pool without killing myself or cussing so much as to scare the old ladies.

I'll figure something out. The dog paddle...yeah, that's the ticket.

Monday, April 18, 2005

It's the middle of the night and my knee is hurting and the worry monster is back nibbling at my thoughts. Vicodan will only kick in for the knee, unfortunately. The worry monster will have to be resolved in other ways.

I'm worrying about the Bear. Lately, he's been griping that his nighttime meds are working and he's having a hard time sleeping. The problem is that we can't increase those, or they stop working to help him sleep and eat, and that putting him back on clonidine isn't really an option because while he sleeps, then he resumes that whole not eating thing -- a complete bitch, if you ask anyone in our family. He gets so sad and it's hard to tell him that no indeed the next size up does not fit him -- still.

Russell lives for getting on the scale and having it tell him he's actually gained a few pounds. His last visit at the doctor, confirmed what we know about him -- he's grown. He now weighs 88 lbs and wears a size 14 jean, though I'm guessing, not for long. He remains the nicest person I know, even if he is a big scaredy-cat. He freaked out for half an hour by his dad's accounting about a big-bottomed spider in the garage, calling for his sister intermittedly, like maybe he could con her into doing stuff, so he didn't have to. I know there's a song about fat bottomed women, so maybe there's some Nashville wannabe who wants to write the fat bottomed spider song. "Oh, a big fat bottomed spider lurked for me, so I got my kid sister to kill it fer me...." So we teased him a little about being such a wimpy wierdo.

Genny is the fearless child of the two. She's only afraid of dogs. She ran all the way from the rock on the hill because a dog barked at her from another yard. She couldn't give a crap about scorpions, spiders, and snakes, Oh MY! But a dog in another yard is another matter altogether.

My wierd children.

Unlike my son, I do not live for getting on the scale. Mike and I have discussed it and we're going to actually get a scale. We figure it'd be a good thing for measuring things -- like whether or not I've lost weight. I prefer Mike's butt test, but it's less accurate than a scale. My food wasn't great this weekend, but a lot less good than it was during the week. I think because I sleep more on the weekend, that I eat less on a schedule, so things get screwy because I'm eating more to catch up. I'm thinking of having Mike set the alarm for us on the weekend, so I get up at a decent hour and eat. I can always nap later, but it was good to learn that about myself. I think I'll be able to plan better for next weekend, anyhow.

My period is back to every three weeks, so I'll be getting on hormones again. The bitch is that without a decent knee I won't be able to enjoy being a hormonal hoochy wife, unfortunately.

Tomorrow, I call and beg the orthopedist to give me an arthroscopy and clean up my freaking knee, so I can actually do stuff. You know -- like walk to the danged mailbox or swim a few laps -- little schtuff like dat. Right now, I can feel that it's so swollen that the range of motion is limited. And it continues to crunch and click. *shiver*

Friday night, I was actually whining every time Mike hit a parking lot speed bump and he wasn't speeding, it just hurt a whole lot. While the sitting on my butt and icing it most of the weekend was good at reducing some of the swelling, it's still really damned sore and I'm in deep trouble because of that. I hate that I'm just at the whim of my aches and pains. It makes me very sad and very frustrated. I feel like my family can't depend on me for squat and that scares me.

Russell's afraid to ask what we'll do this summer and I'm afraid to discuss it or promise anything, either. He asked the other day if the surgery would fix it. I simply said,"I don't know, Bear. I sure hope so." He looked so sad and that made me feel sad.

I will not have another lost summer with my kids. I just won't. I will buy passes to the water park, if I have to, just to force the issue.

Right now, however, I'm heading to bed.

Sunday, April 17, 2005

I have a nectarine planted in the back yard, complete with good soil, deep pretty red compost, and the peach tree has some of the same. I took a risk and put the decon down the damned ground squirrel hole I found tucked behind the big peach tree.

I hope I don't kill the cat.

I laid on my good side and weeded the front beds. Those are looking better and better, but not all the way there by a long shot.

My two dwarf nectarines are still out front in their pots awaiting their fate. I'm going to have to let *cringe* Mike start up the chain saw. That should be fun (and horrifying).
Sometimes, my family amazes me. My husband and son worked like hell to get the house together today. The kitchen is actually pretty damned clean. Mike pulled out all the crap off the counters, washed them down with tilex to remove the old stains, and replaced everything. My daughter actually helped them -- she did things like get her own room picked up to be vacuumed, helped her brother, and went to find gravel rocks for the bottom of my beautiful terra cotta planters out front, so I can get the basil transplanted in them.

The floors got done throughout the house.

The laundry didn't get done, but they did get it into the garage, which means I have a decent chance of doing it now. I ran a couple loads today. It's hard to move it back and forth, but I don't mind stuffing it into machines and checking it. I just have a hard time hauling the baskets around, so I asked them to haul things around and they did.

My knee is less swollen today, but then tonight, it hurt enough for vicodan. *sigh*

My food was shot to shit today. I didn't get enough to eat earlier because I was sleeping and then I ate too much later. I figure, I can ask Mike to set alarms, so we get up by 9. That will keep our schedules normal and we can eat with the kids. They already have asked for Momma's homemade oatmeal (raisins, nuts, cinnamon with maple sugar). I figure they can eat that and I'll eat an egg, toast, and yogurt.

Russell had a nervous breakdown of some kind tonight. He was just a mess and not listening and not figuring things out that should have been easy to put together. I finally asked what time he got up and turns out that the child went to bed last night at 11 or so because I heard him coughing and sniffing with allergies in his room and he got up at 7AM. He worked hard, but he also got a lot of computer time -- which usually leaves him brain-fuzzled. He was sobbing and hysterical and I was frustrated and angry. All of which sucked.

I started to scold him and then just plain apologized and said I thought he needed to get into bed, do some yoga, and read. He agreed and went, which is usually a good indication that the kid isn't feeling well, so I'll be watching him like a hawk tomorrow to check on him. I also think with the house in pretty good shape, that we'll just do some outside stuff (plantings) and then go find a park or something to play at and play.

Genny was good as gold. I don't get to say that much, so it feels good to say it all. She was so proud of the fact that she had a great day and we made sure to praise the blue bejeebers out of her for a great day, too!

Saturday, April 16, 2005

Yesterday, I literally started taking vicodan at 5 and was nearly weeping in pain.

I had thought Sarah was coming today, but she's got the stomach flu, so I'm on my own.

The house is upside down, filthy and nasty. I've cleaned a few times this week, but it's been quickly hosed behind me by my family. Today, I've lounged in bed while the family has cleaned. It's been lovely and my knee has shrunk.

The outdoors needs to be tended, too. Tomorrow is another day.

Friday, April 15, 2005

My knee was at an all-time explosive swollen size today. It hurt worse than ever.

I felt like a sad miserable whiny baby all day.

I've taken a lot of vicodan and I wish I could take more. I am so not waiting a damned week. The orthopedist is going to hear from me on Monday. Excrutiating pain is so not my thing.

We went to town and had pizza for dinner because I didn't want to cook and I wasn't feeling like more leftovers. That and icing my knee and all the vicodan weren't doing shit.

I know I'm bad off when crutches are a welcome relief.

Criminy.

So, Mel mentioned that maybe I should put up cabinets in the kitchen instead of shelving. It's a brilliant idea. It'd be expensive, but we could do it. I just need to see what is available and how much it would cost.

I'm too tired to write more. Going to bed.

Thursday, April 14, 2005

Today, was take the children to the dentist day.

I swear, you find out just how much darned bullshit your family has invented, surrounding their teethbrushing when you go to the dentist with them.

My son is a slovenly pig of an 11 year old. His teeth were laden with plaque, however, not cavity-ridden, thankfully. I did tell him his butt was in a sling. He smirked and said he'd do better. I'm getting him a waterpik and a bottle of flouride, even though I know there's one buried under the bathroom sink that he just hasn't bothered to look for.

My husband is going to use the freaking timer and get better at brushing the munchkin's teeth. Or else. He says he does it from the front. Doing it from the front with a wiggly 4 year old is the dumbest thing I've ever heard. I stand behind the child, use the mirror and hold their head with my non toothbrush arm. There's no wiggling. There's no bullshit. However, I can't stand on one good leg and do that right now.

Let's review the dental stuff...

Husband has used all of his dental insurance for the year with his wisdom teeth followed by the zit-on-his-gum root canal.

Russell, the child who already has one stupid capped tooth AND VERY EXPENSIVE BRACES, is NOT brushing the way he has been claiming.

Genny, the child dependent for good dental hygiene on my husband, the man who cannot seem to care for his own teeth appropriately, needs longer brushing.

I, on the other hand, have no current dental issues.

I guess the $5+ grand I've spent over the past years has finally worked out. I can be all holier than thou for a few weeks until my dental appointment.

After the dentist and dropping off kids at their respective places, I came home, ate, watched MacGyver and took a three hour nap. Kind of like "The Hungry Caterpillar" when he ate the one green leaf after eating a bunch of junk food -- because after that I felt a lot better.

My knee is still swollen, not as much, because I've been icing it all day and I napped in my yoga position, so I feel better generally.

Had a good food day. Took cottage cheese and fruit with me to the dentist's office. Snuck a single kiddie cookie at LaDawn's. Had vegetable stir-fry leftovers for lunch. I had chicken piccata on wild vegetable rice and steamed broccoli for dinner. I had Easter chocolate for dessert -- three pieces (Sue me!). I was still hungry tonight, so Mike made me a big bowl of popcorn and cut the butter to just a little, but it was still awesome.

I've got cooked beans, so tomorrow, I'm thinking I'll make corn bread, turkey chili, and mac and cheese. The mac and cheese is for the kids, who think chili is the work of a mother hellbent on torturing their tender palates, which I am, of course. I just think of ways to torture my children all day long because LORD KNOWS I don't have nearly enough other stuff to do.

Did you know there is a lot of cool torture stuff you can do with duct tape?

Muhahahaha!

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

I drove all damned day with Mike dealing with trying to get his fucking flat tire handled and my knee is swollen up like a freaking balloon.

The tire center at Walmart sucks baboon balls. They said at 10AM it would be an hour. At 12, they hadn't even pulled the car in and had actually pulled someone else's car who arrived LATER than we did ahead of our car. Bastards! Then they had the GALL to call Mike at 4PM to say that his car was finally ready.

I wanted to take it to Costco SOOOO bad, but the stupid man I married didn't want to move to a different location.

I have dental appointments tomorrow with kids, so I am going to town once. I blew off Russell's PT appointment because there's no way I can go back and forth between the two major towns again, like today, where I did it. Three. Fucking. Times.

My food, despite, my driving, was pretty good. I had a scrambled on teflon egg (not much oil used to cook it), a cup of non fat sugar free yogurt, and a slice of whole wheat toast. For lunch, I had a grilled chicken sandwich from Wendy's and a salad. For snack, I ate pretzels and cashews (about 6-8 pretzels and a tablespoon and a half of whole cashews). For dinner, we had spaghetti, and I snorfed on salad again, but laid low on the spaghetti seconds. I had a smaller portion of spaghetti and just a small seconds, so I ate about a third of what I did last night, thank GOD.

I'm damned tired and the stupid vicodan isn't doing much. Cussing, in my current state feels really fucking terrific. Fuck that. Screw this.

Eat. Shit. And. Die. Walmart. Tire. Center.

1 hour does not equate to 6 hours of my time -- you money grubbing fuckerheads.
It's 4AM and the wind is buffeting the house, so the house is creaking a little, so it's creepy. Add to that that I'm upset that I overate at dinner, and the Insomnia Monster is eating at me.

There's not much I can do about it at 4AM with my knee screaming, but I still am pissed off.

Tis better to be pissed off than pissed on, however, the pissiness remains.

I'm going to see if I can get Tibby to watch Genny at dance and then see if I can sneak to the pool. I was so tired tonight that I fell asleep before my yoga, but then I did it before I got up for the last pee break and then downed a glass of water for the toxin excretion, now in progress, according to my yoga teacher. I've been having sputum junk, which is frankly what you'd expect during the allergy season, aka spring, and also from the opening up of all the cracks and crevices of my lungs from the yoga.

My brain is in overdrive -- I need to remember all this stuff later this morning, but I know that waking up is NOT going to be something I'll be fond of at 7AM, especially when I don't HAVE to be up because Mike is doing kids.

My eyes are starting to dry out and hurt and I can't stop yawning. Going back to bed.

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

I took my vicodan. I took my anti-inflammatory. My fucking knee hurts today and I didn't do a whole lot, but nonetheless, it hurts like hell. It's weird because it's actually not that bad to walk on, believe it or not. It hurts just sitting there.

I don't get it.

Today, I did good on the food all the way until dinner which was so damned good, I ate seconds, but even my kids ate seconds, which if you know my no-butt children means it was really good eating! It was whole wheat spaghetti loaded with spinach, mushrooms, and chicken sausage -- the sausage is low-fat, actually, so still a low-fat meal. I also had this kickbutt salad that we get at costco that I could literally snorf til I was dead. The dressing is some kind of vinagrette with some kind of almonds, craisins, and cheese. I ignored the cheese baggy and sprinkled the other things on the salad and snorfed.

I had my fruit and lowfat cottage cheese. At lunch, I had a grilled chicken sandwich with a salad with dressing on the side, so I could control the fat. It came with fries, so I ate 6 and then set the plate aside and asked the waitress to clear it. I had my snack of pretzels and cashews. I had my sketti dinner. I didn't feel hungry at all today and that was awesome, too.

I did my yoga and all. I'm not sure about getting to the upper body workout stuff this week because Mike's car got a flat, so we're going to have to do some schedule juggling to make things work. I think Mike's going to take Russell to PT and run an errand in town while he's there and then drive to where the car is and get the tire changed. This means I will not be able to work out tomorrow morning, which was one of my two times this week. Then because Genny has dance, he'll bring me my car back, and I'll take her to dance. The only way I see around this is if I can get to the gym on the weekend. If not, I could just plan to go the once this week and go three times next week.

I think that schedule juggling should count as exercise.

Monday, April 11, 2005

My doctor told me today that yes, the gastric bypass surgery was an option, but that because we were there discussing it, that he felt like he had failed as my doctor. I told him, that I felt like that, too, and that it had been a particularly rugged year for me because of the apnea and thyroid and I really felt overwhelmed and dreadful. Not to mention the depression.

I'm going to see a nutritionist and get some support there. I'm also going to talk to the bariatric doctor to see what he has to say. I just am feeling really disappointed and frustrated. Both my doctor and I are concerned about my iron issues, but I think I'm going to spend some time thinking this over.

I'm going to go to the pool and see what I can do. Maybe I can only backstroke with my arms, but I figure it'd be better than nothing at all. I also had a heart-to-heart with Mike and I think he's going to start taking Yoga on Fridays at work. My yoga teacher said to keep doing the yoga exercises and that that would help me and to drink a lot of water because I'll be exercising things that haven't been exercised in a long time and releasing toxins in the process that I will need to flush out of my body.

I've been praying and thinking about how I eat very carefully. The only weak place that I think I have in my food is that when I eat out, often I end up stuck with some pretty dismal choices. When I see the nutritionist, I'm going to ask for alternatives, so I can figure something out. I think part of the problem is that I've been pretty out of it with the apnea, so I make poor choices with my cloudy sleep-deprived head. With a week of good sleep under my belt, I'm getting more hopeful, but my doctor said to set clear goals and work to meet them.

So my goal is to lose 5-10 lbs by May 7. I'm going to see how it goes and how well I meet the goal to determine what my goal will be for the month after and ongoing.

I am going to work my arms at the gym or pool 2-3 days per week, do my yoga daily, drink 6-8 glasses of water per day, eat carefully and find alternatives to eating out, where possible, and work to get enough sleep.

Today, I ate icky breakfast (McDonald's at Russell's request -gah) and lunch(hot dog with a diet soda at Costco) out because I was on the go, but tonight, I had my lovely tofu stirfry with wild rice. I pigged out on vegetables, baby. Asparagus, green beans, broccoli, carrots, sprouts, snow peas, and tofu. YUM! Mike has helped me plan for breakfast tomorrow -- because I don't have to be anywhere, I'm eating my lowfat cottage cheese and fruit. I'll have crackers and hummus and snowpeas for snack. I have turkey taco stuff with nonfat sour cream, so prolly will do that for lunch. For snack, I'm thinking baby carrots dipped in salsa with a little more hummus. Dinner, I'm going to have to check out the fridge to see what I have in the way of meats because Sarah is coming over for dinner.

I'm going to give myself some time to work on this again and think about the surgery. I will be praying hard that God will show me his will in this matter and help me to make a good choice regardless.

And my knee ? It's clicking more than a bic pen in a 5 year old's hand. Not that I'd know anything about that pen thing...

Sunday, April 10, 2005

Today, we spent a fortune on gardening crap -- bags of steer manure, compost, potting soil, etc. We're going to have to get the nectarines in, but we're not sure precisely where we are going to put them and how to set up planter spots where we can pour compost all over them and keep the compost around the bases to retain the water. I'm going to get a big trash can for composting to help things along. Additionally, we are deciding what trees we would like to get rid of and which ones we're going to just trim.

Then we came home and weeded. I spent a lot of time weeding my front bed. Mike looked at me and said incredulously,"You're enjoying this, aren't you?" I said,"Yes, I am. It's cool to see the things that you've planted come back year after year and it's a whole lot easier than raising children." He chuckled and we went back to weeding.

Genny and Russell both tried to "help" me. I had to keep telling Genny to stop stomping on things -- like the rose bush that I thought had bit it, but that has a green shoot waving and on the sprigs of rooted thyme that I accidentally caught with the crab grass chunks. Russell pulled up a few shoots of things he shouldn't have, but not as much as last year's disaster where he pulled up almost everything in the entire bed!

I have tomatoes, peppers, and peas on the front porch. I'm going to have to figure out what to do with them. There are also strawberries and I've told Russell that he'll get to plant those and water them regularly because he requested them. We will have to protect them from the rodentia (squirrels, rabbits, etc.) and I'll have to figure out a means to do that. I have some of the old tree netting, but I'm not sure if that will do it for the squirrels. I know some folks trap them, but I don't want to deal with it. The temptation is to d-con the crap out of them.

We just bought one single flat of plants, so we'll see how it goes.

Mike and I are also discussing the means of making our gray water system for watering everything. I think we'll finally start putting it together in June.

That should give me time to get the landscaping in or at least started in a reasonable fashion. Unless it snows a whole lot real soon. Again.

Saturday, April 09, 2005

I had this wonderful entry written and ran into the bathroom to grab some strips for my meter and my husband sat down and promptly *accidentally* deleted my entry.

Butthead.

The orthopedist said my knee has a strained ligament, bone rubbing a little bit on bone, and arthritis. He removed fluid from my knee, injected steroids to reduce the swelling, and said that he would see me in two weeks. With the steroids, I am on insulin AGAIN. He informed me that I would have to take insulin AFTER he injected me. In two weeks, if my knee is still clicking and swollen, he will do an arthroscopy to clean it up and see what's up.

He said that some day, I'll have to have a knee replacement. He said I would also be a candidate for a cartilage transplant because I had the cartilage removed from one half of my knee when I was 15 -- back in the days before arthroscopic surgery was the norm, rather than a special trip out-of-state to a fancy hospital.

He thought that the gastric bypass surgery is an good option, in light of my other health issues. I asked him to put that in his notes and be sure that he faxed that to my regular doctor with whom I will be discussing the gastric bypass on Tuesday.

My mother informed me that she and my father do not approve of me getting gastic bypass surgery and said that because it didn't work for Oprah, that it probably would not work for me. Hey, way to be positive, Mom! I told her that I have several friends who've had it done for whom it worked out fine. She made a nasty snarly comment about how I must know "everything" and went on to say that because I'd eaten chips when I was at her house at Christmastime that I eat badly all the time, basically inferring that I eat like that all the time. I informed her that indeed, I do not eat like that all the time and that, in fact, I eat few chips and that it *was* Christmastime and that I had lost 15lbs while I was on vacation. Her reply was "good." Not, "Oh, I'm sorry." or "Really?" or even "Congratulations!"

I would not be able to have low cholesterol, low blood pressure, and nearly normal sugars if I ate badly. It just doesn't happen. I explained that to her. I said that we eat little red meat and mostly eat chicken, turkey, and vegetarian dishes. I said I eat non-fat versions of most things and an enormous amount of vegetables and whole grains. My idea of something fancy is a red meat roast.

After the phone call, I asked Mike to come in the room, and I bawled. I'm so sick of this shit with my mother. I was a raging bulimic in high school. We now know why, yeah?

I am deeply frustrated with my body and how little I seem to be able to do about it. At any rate, I won't be discussing this with her any more. I won't be contacting her much at all because I don't think it's worth it and basically, if we do talk about anything pertinent, she tells me how fucked up she thinks I am anyhow. I really am sick to death of it and it won't happen on my dime any longer. I feel like there's a "yo mamma" joke in there somewhere.

I'm looking forward to going through my options with my doctor. I'm hoping that there's something I haven't considered that would mean I can avoid the gastric bypass. Mike said something about,"Isn't there a patch?"

I said,"There is?"

So maybe there's a patch or something that can help me win this battle of the bulge and WIN.

For now, I'm relegated to winning it one meal at a time. Tomorrow, I'm making a stirfry. I've got asparagus, snow peas, broccoli, and lots of adzuki beans and wild rice. I'm hoping to be up to getting some tofu and I'll be off to the races. That should make food for two meals, which, of course, I won't be eating because I'll be snorfing down chips, french fries, and greasy double cheeseburgers! Yeesh!

Oh, speaking of which...

I had a heart-to-heart with Mike. I begged him to please stop eating that kind of crap. He is the king of buying the greasiest nastiest cheeseburger when we go out. Yesterday, for example, he went to Carl's Jr. and got some kind of monster burger. When we went out last night, he got another monster burger. I do not say anything about what he eats and work hard not to harrass him, but I basically begged him not to make himself fat and dead. He agreed with me.

We're also going to figure out how to exercise together. I would just rather he worked out at the gym they have at his job -- it's a good gym and free to employees. He'd be hotter than heck, if he worked out -- even a little!

I have to check with the doctor's office, but I think I'm off swimming until I see the ortho again. But if I get the go-ahead, I'll be swimming next week, because that's all I can do right now.

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

Well, the MRI indicates that the cartilage in my knee where I had cartilage removed when I was about 15 is nearly gone. There's some on the knee bones and it's about gone, so that horrible noise I hear from time to time is my bones rubbing on each other. The MRI tech said that they're going to tell me to lose weight.

I'm talking to my doctor about a gastric bypass tomorrow. Because even if everything went perfectly and I exercised all the time and ate perfectly and I never got sick once, it would still take a year and a half to lose the weight that I need to lose, if I were losing 10lbs a month. Being that I get sick regularly and that each time I use prednisone, I gain 5-10lbs., I am not thinking that my outlook is good. And knowing fully well, that I. Am. Not. Perfect. And that my life is rarely perfect, I think that it would be idealistic to assume that I could just pull this one out.

I feel like by considering the gastric bypass, in some ways, that I'm just plain giving up. I don't want to give up, but I also don't want a knee replacement or to die from diabetic complications at some later date. I think that I cannot lose weight fast enough to get healthy and that I am currently in a vicious cycle that I cannot get out of, nor win.

I'm not going to stop eating healthily. I'm not going to stop getting exercise in, but at this point, I am strictly limited to swimming/aquacize until the weight comes off -- one way or the other.

My knee is horribly swollen and while the 800mg of ibuprofen are helping, I don't want to live like that either.

I've already spoken to my mom and Mel. My mom said they'd probably take the kids for the 6 weeks of recovery that I need and Mel said that I could stay with her because Mike's going to be putting in serious overtime this summer.

I have to find out what the insurance requirements are and if I can do this over the summer around the kids' school schedules.

I feel like I've sold my soul. Mel doesn't get it. She doesn't understand that I don't hate myself for being fat, but that I just want to be healthy and that I just live like that. She's always astounded at how many vegetables I eat and all the whole grain foods around, etc. She worries that I won't be able to handle the smaller portions, but I think it'll be okay. I've made many lifestyle changes -- I eat much less red meat than anyone I know and have really good cholesterol and triglyceride levels. My last diabetes test was nearly normal and my blood pressure is low-normal. But the apnea and thyroid issues have certainly taken a metabolic toll on my body -- added to being over 40 and I've slowed down a bit.

I'm just going to talk to the doctor tomorrow and discuss it. We'll see.

Sunday, April 03, 2005

Well, Wednesday's drive apparently wasn't as relaxing and healing as one might have hoped. I ended up taking prednisone when we got to the hotel and got an early morning call from my doctor's office with Marge the Nurse telling me that I was under strict instructions to remain in my hotel room in bed and take it easy. I was way bummed about not being able to be with the kids and Mike, but I was also in absolutely no shape to go with them.

I mostly just watched TV and snoozed, but by Thursday, I felt a lot better. I took the family to Louie's, which is the red brick building just in front of the treeline in this picture. They make a pretty good breakfast and it's the best view in San Francisco. After we ate, we took the kids down because it was close to low tide and poked around for sea shells rather close to the Cliff house, but I started remembering while we were there that the best shells are down by the zoo. You'd have thunk that we'd go to the zoo, but the kids were having so much fun, when asked if they wanted to go to the exploratorium or the zoo or something, they both looked at us surprised and said no, and went back to playing in the sand.

We figured if they were having that much fun, then screw it, they could just play and we'd take them to the hotel later to feed them. When they started getting cold, as the fog started to obscure some of the sunshine, we took them back to the hotel and made sandwiches and hung out for a couple hours, until Mike's brother's girlfriend got off work and could meet us.

Overall, we had a great trip and lots of fun. The day we went to the beach was absolutely fabulous -- beautiful, sunny, and warm -- a true rarity for San Fran beaches. We never did go to the Exploratorium because the kids were having so much fun at the beach. We did a lot of walking around in China town -- the kids got to go to the Academy of Science with Mike and Kevin when I was sick in the hotel. We drove down Lombard Street billed as the "crookedest street in the world." Every night, was a culinary experience. We had Thai food, complete with a Buddhist garden. We had Italian food, complete with a family serving style. We had breakfast at Louis' at Ocean Beach, overlooking Sutro baths. We had Spanish food -- like from Spain -- in the middle of the Marina. Julie picked up special Chinese buns from China town and got us piroshki from a Russian bakery -- so yummy! Mike and I went to the Stinking Rose last night because Kevin and Julie wanted to watch the kids for us. I got their recipe for that fresh pesto -- to DIE for. Of course, that's just up the street from City Lights Books, so I got to browse there and bought a couple favorite authors' most recent publications.

The last night, I noticed my knee was bothering me. A couple days later, it's swollen like a balloon and I'm getting an MRI tomorrow morning. Wish me luck!