We had to be kind of hard-nosed about it, but Mike went into the dealer the next morning and told them to give him back his check. They hadn't given us keys or anything and were waiting on a cashier's check, which of course, Mike didn't give them. They thrashed and tried to threaten and Mike ignored them and took back his check.

So this weekend, we go auction hunting and see how it goes. We really need a 4wd because the county just announced that they're not going to plow roads off school bus routes to save money. The Buick can't do heavily snowed on, unplowed roads.

I found a subaru forester at this used car place, but they never return calls and I haven't had the energy to deal with used car salesmen after work. The problem is that these places want to finance you, regardless of credit to make any extra money they can. We just want to pay cash and get the hell out of there. I don't want to have to make any more stupid payments in a month. I'm having a hard enough time making my bills, so adding one more is the last danged thing I'm interested in.

The auctions have been sucking lately, so I'm nervous about our ability to get as lucky as we did with the Buick last year. We'll just see.

I'm freaking out again.

We went to a Subaru dealership to buy a used subaru because they last forever, are 4 wheel drive and get excellent mileage.

Somehow, we ended up contracting to buy a dodge dakota, which only has one of those features -- the 4wd.

I really really really don't want it.

Have to talk to Mike in an hour.

Ugh.

I've only had 1 can of soda today, which compared to my usual amounts of caffeine during the week mean that I am suffering from withdrawal from caffeine with a king-sized headache.

*whine*

Lately, my life has been a really sick and wrong cocktail of coffee and caffeinated diet sodas throughout the day at work. Then I switch to water. Then I go home. I eat my dinner.

I try to handle stuff for the house -- giving Mike a list of crap to do and making calls as I can and stuff. Tonight, I tracked down more of the stealing my credit card info crap on our bank account. 20 minutes on hold to get transferred to another number and left on hold for another 15 minutes and so on. I was not amused.

Then, I drink my tummy drink and go to bed.

I wake up panicking like a freak in the wee hours of the night, take a xanax and a melatonin, and I go back to bed. It's kind of sad and it's where I'm at, so I'm just living with that. The money is scaring the shit out of me.

For some reason, my knee has been tons better this week. I have no idea why. Last week, I thought I was going to die of arthritis of the knee. However, I still can't walk much more than 200 feet at a time without my back starting to scream.

I took my xanax and melatonin early. I'm hoping the tummy meds don't take too much of it away from my bloodstream. Maybe I can skip the panicky wake up in the middle of the night.

What?! You know it could soo happen.

I'm all sad. My beautiful van got repossessed. It was creepy, too. Some guy knocked on our door and rang the bell at 10PM! Who the hell does that?

I'd hoped we would have time to get the danged severance check from Mike's company, but for some reason they didn't get the huge stuffed enveloped we mailed to them covered in stamps. Mike completely freaked out when he called and was told that they hadn't received it and the due date had passed.

The guy took it though via fax and we're now waiting for the check. It should get mailed out tomorrow, but too late for the van.

Mike and I discussed it and we figure we can pick up a cheaper commuter car from auctions and avoid the huge monthly payments and save the house. Our credit's screwed anyhow, so it's not like we have any interest in worrying about that. And there's lots of other people's repo'ed cars at the dealers, so we may end up with one of those. Mike wants the 4WD, but I am thinking we get a cheap commuter car for now and fuck the snow. The big snow season stuff has really passed to be honest and we're absolutely dry as a bone here now.

I figure once he gets a job, we can sock away money and get a 4x4. Right now, we just need working wheels for kid pick up and driving around. We have chains for the Buick, so we're covered.

Other than that, I'm up at this hour because I'm in agony. My joints are all inflamed and I feel like trash. Earlier, even my finger joints were hurting. I'm low on vicodan, so I'm trying to be sparing with it, but I'm sorely tempted to pound what I have. I took 2 and then those started to wear off after 4 hours, so I'm here waiting for them to kick over again. I will be at work tomorrow nodding off, I'm sure, but as long as my body is in my chair, I don't give a rat's patooty. I've got caffeine in large supply and I can pee at will with this job, so I'll do what I have to.

I also have holy cow gas -- like distending my insides to blimp-like proportions. I think it's from all the meds for the pain and stuff, but dang, it blows, so to speak, or in this case, doesn't blow enough.

I have my black hippy patchwork dress that's loose and comfortable and I can get away with knee socks under it. I'm just a lowly customer service representative, so I'm not having to dress like a fashion icon for this job. Jeans and pants seem like they'd be way too constrictive and well, they aren't clean either. I wish I could find a single pair of my softwalk shoes. I have a single brown one...I suspect the other is buried beneath things that I can't lift.

Just one stupid pair would be lovely. They're comfortable and supportive and they give me a break from other shoes, so my feet aren't all crunchy painful. Once the check arrives, I'm going to buy a pair. I need something to alternate my feet into from my ecco sneakers.

Ok. I'm hitting the tired wall.

(THUD)

I should be tired and I kind of am, but I think that 12 hours straight of sound sleeping on Sunday night and a solid 8 last night with an hour of drowsing made a big difference.

I'm overwhelmed and underwhelmed with the work training. I keep feeling frustrated because I'm such a kinesthetic learner that we're not actually experimenting with it, messing up and learning from our mistakes. I learn very well that way. Memorizing the same information presented in 10 different formats is driving me crazy. At the same time, I'm learning it, so half my brain obviously gets it and is at odds with the other half that doesn't.

I ate pizza last night and paid like crazy today with the gas and discomfort stuff, despite remembering my tummy medication. Tonight's fare involves ground turkey, though, so I think it'll go better for me tomorrow.

I'm eating carefully and losing weight, though I don't know how much. I have to convince myself to get up and throw on a swimsuit and go to the pool some morning soon. I may buck up the courage on Wednesday or Thursday.

This morning freaked me out because I got pulled over and the cop took 15 minutes to decide NOT to give me a ticket because my windshield was frosty, despite copious scraping. I did take a picture of it with my phone to show that it wasn't that bad, though, which he may have seen me do. The stupid front license plate is missing on the danged car and apparently, that's not legal either, so Mike will have to resolve that for me.

Of course, when the cop asked me for my license, I couldn't find it immediately and I couldn't easily get to my damned registration without taking apart the freaking car(putting up the cup holder and all the crap in the little compartment behind it) and dumping my coffee. I gave him my license number. Then I went to work and found my license and dug out the registration and started to walk to his car with them in hand, and he met me halfway and sent me on my way. I started to ask him if he could hold my coffee a minute and he looked at me like I was smoking crack and I sort of left the sentence hanging in the air, realizing how dumb it sounded after it left my mouth. He said, "Uh, no." (But he was really nice about it)Being flustered makes you say the stupidest stuff.

Of course, then I was flying all the way to work, so as to not be late, which blew completely. Thankfully, he was NOT on that road. :P

On the plus side, I got home to my house, cringing at the thought...and Mike had cleaned the livingroom spotlessly. He's a great househusband! He even makes my lunch and coffee for me in the mornings. I am definitely going to have to be less tired and more prone to putting out.

I don't think I've ever been so grateful for Friday and 5 o'clock. Hitting Friday made me want to get on my knees and thank God for it, in my employer's parking lot. I wished heartily that company policy would permit me to wear this t-shirt, but alas, no, t-shirts with a message violates company dress code.

Co-workers commented on the 84 fluid oz of diet dr pepper I had over the course of the day and I reminded them of the coffee this morning. To be fair though, the instructor is an old smoker and so has poor circulation and is on the mistaken impression that our training room is comfortable at 84 degrees or more, despite being only a hollowed out set of cubicles in the bowels of bureaucratic hell. I fully expect the devil himself to pop out of my computer with the whips, chains and other implements of torture to finish me off. When we gripe enough at the instructor, he remembers to go poke the construction crew to turn stuff on the way they should and the room airs out fast. By that time, we've reached comatose levels of on-the job training.

And I'm fucking tired. I haven't worked a 40 hour week since teaching and I spent every single night of that falling flat on my face and then, I blew my weekends in a fetal position in bed. Without the option of a nap or a day to sleep in between days at work, I'm wiped out tired. I am not yet accustomed to getting to bed at a decent hour either, and I'm having a difficult time juggling taking sleeping meds and stomach meds. I can only take sleeping meds, 1 hour before or 4 hours after stomach meds. If I take them 1 hour before, I'd be asleep by the time I had to take the stomach stuff. The other choice is to remember to take them when I get home, which might work, if I can just remember.

It's hard though because I miss everyone so much and they miss me, so I get distracted with spending precious time with them.

What's worse is that about the time I get my clock reset for working 8-5, the hours will change to 6-3. While overall, I think those are probably better hours for my family than graveyard shift, most anyone who knows me, knows fully well, that I am not, nor have I ever been a morning person. Morning is a time zone allotted for crazy people who do not require caffeine to open their eyes.

So for the moment, my caffeine intake is at insane levels. I think sleeping this weekend as much as I want will help.

Other people are party animals on the weekend. I'm a hibernating animal.

Work isn't hard material to learn during my training period. I am finding that it's just grueling to be accustomed to 8 hours a day and walking on cement floors. While the walking isn't the majority of the job, it's the long walks to the cafeteria and bathrooms at the moment that end up hurting. My knee is enormous and excrutiatingly painful.

Last night, I took my first vicodan for agony in a long time and to some degree, that felt like a failure.

Until I get better adjusted to the hours and energy involved, I'm not doing the club. My hope is to start next week. I'm starting next week with that -- probably just a couple days a week. I may even go this weekend once -- just to test the waters, so to speak.

I like having a schedule and it's working for my sugars, too. It also helps me organize my food, which helps my liver function better. I think it's helping me suffer through this adjustment period better, too.

Dinner was hash and had a bit more oil than I should realistically eat. That diet change means I'm a gassy mess at the moment. I have a small classroom and I sit farthest from the door. That should be big fun. :P

Returning to my lowfat diet will be justified and welcome.

Foodwise....So yesterday, I ate a good breakfast -- veggie quesadilla, resisted my husband's efforts to load it with meat/fat/calories. For dinner, hubby wanted to just toss a jar of spaghetti sauce on noodles. I shudder to think! I loaded the sauce with veggies (zucchini, spinach, and mushrooms) and tolerated his addition of well-drained hamburger.

I got one of my arthritis exercise videos yesterday and I determined that I have to do it on the bed. (Yeah, I know...I said, "do it.") It requires being on my hands and knees and laying down and things that would normally be really hard on a bad knee. If I have to get on my hands and knees, I'm locking the door from the husband or banning him from the room because I strongly suspect I won't get through the workout otherwise.

Everyone thought it was weird that he'd get me Barbies for Christmas, but they were cheap and he got me a few earrings and the candle stuff I like, but I was saying how I missed playing with Barbies. Frankly, it's been calming to sit there and change them in and out of clothes. I think with the stressors of late, that reverting to childhood calming behaviors isn't that weird. Genny thrashes her barbies anyhow, so it kind of stinks to try to play barbies with her. When I had my own, I enjoyed playing with her more, so she could trash hers and I could take care of mine.

What is this leading up to?

Well, Mike got me an after Christmas gift of a Wonder Woman Barbie. She's got articulating wrists and elbows, which is unusual in a Barbie, but I think they kept the original Barbie design for her boobage. Apparently, some years back they decided to reduce the boobage size of barbies to make them more reflective of real women because they determined that if her boobs were that big for real, she'd fall over. However, Wonder Woman has a serious comic book rack.

I want to open the box and play with her soooo bad because she's beautiful and her costume rocks. She's got her little bullet deflecting bracelets on, her truth lasso, and her crown that converts to a boomerang. I am thinking the Barbie crown doesn't convert to a boomerang, but I'm enjoying my fantasy. Her boots are to her knees and I like how her hair has some of the curl it should. She's very accurate, which is really awesome.

Just shut up.

I told Mike he'll have to buy me a second one, so I can play with one and admire the other. I'm thinking Malibu Barbie would look hot dressed as Wonder Woman for Halloween and that her beach extra wide feet that won't fit into regular Barbie shoes might fit into those Wonder Woman boots. I feel for Malibu Barbie with her extra wide feet. As I discovered that she would not fit into any of the regular Barbie shoes, I muttered under my breath, "Welcome to my World!"

Work starts Monday. I'm looking forward to it. It sounds like Monday will be the basic orientation, benefits presentation stuff.

Mike's had a couple promising interviews, but nothing yet.

So lifestyle changes -- those small slides that lead to 10lbs gained in a year can also lead to small personal gains.

In my kids' group we are discussing what small changes we can make to improve our diet and exercise. One of my big ones is my breakfast change.

Yesterday, I had the worst asthma attack I've had in ages. It occurred to me that I wasn't sure if I'd taken my singulair recently. I was exhausted from the attack, so I fell asleep about 930 on the bed and with a few small breaks, I slept through until about 830. So I got up early and took my meds.

I'm sure it also helped that another choice I made yesterday while out, was to order a big salad and nail most of it, so I ate less pizza, so this morning, I woke up hungry and at a good fasting sugar.

This morning, I took my singulair and added it to all my days in my pill planner. I'm also going to take a dose of advair. Hopefully, I'll have a better asthma day!

So it's not a resolution, it's kind of more that the holidays are over, so I am determined to lose weight because I'm out of excuses.

A work schedule will help me stay organized. I can restrict what food I bring with me. I can give myself the snacks I need and control that. I can go to the club to work out before I work, so it won't impede family time.

I know when I am not going to work, I need a back up plan I can do at home, so I ordered videos for bad knees and sit-down workouts, so I can maintain the metabolic gains from the club.

My evil plan is to adhere to that.

I've changed my breakfast to my cottage cheese fruit and low fat quesadilla thing. I figure if I do that most of the time, I'll be ok. For one, I get dairy out of it and for another, I keep my sugars good. The problem is that I run out of fuel, so my coffee breaks will have to include an appropriate snack like crackers and cheese or a tablespoon of almond butter.

I've given up on walking because when walking, my back is soooo bad that I have to stop, stretch, and resume walking a few steps and keep going. I get exercise, but it's insane and excrutiating which removes it from being even vaguely motivating.

We're also considering a Wii fit.

So I'm tracking things. I'm setting up an excel sheet and tracking it.