I think God is testing me to make sure I've learned all the lessons s/he's taught me.

I found out this past week that I'm honorable, faithful, and a good friend. I also rediscovered that there are people who will take advantage of that. I considered turning the other cheek, but I stood up for myself instead. I said no, I won't tolerate that, thanks.

It's kind of scary for me. I know everyone thinks I'm this brave wonderful person, but I remember being the insecure teenager and sometimes, in the back of my head I am afraid I'm still that insecure kid who got involved in all of those abusive relationships for so long because I didn't think I deserved more.

I guess I discovered that even my inner child has grown up some and that was a heck of a relief. It means I'm showing my kids the best examples. And oh my wow, I keep second guessing myself, but I'm realizing I did the right thing and that's self-inspiring to me.

So...

Still working on Genny's room...wish I could be faster. I have something wrong and hurting and ended up in the emergency room all night Saturday night for them to say..you've got elevated white cells, no infection, and a boatload of bills coming your way. I, of course, was thrilled about that -- totally fucking thrilled. Um, yeah.

I'm still in pain and someone suggested pleurisy, but I don't know if that's it or not either. I just want to heal up and be done already, ok? My entire right side is achy sore and I'm good and sick of it. It's bad when you're taking percocet just to get a little sleep, huh?

We had our first trace of rain yesterday in over 2 months. It was like this enormous miracle and I was filled with so much excitement about it. And then, I got to the top of our hill and saw 7 fire trucks...and I thought, well, good they're prepared because it was lightening and thunder. Then I drove a little further...and saw the smoke...behind the freaking fire station. I turned the car around and headed back to the school to get Genny so she wouldn't get sent to Timbuktu because they closed down the danged roads again.

By the time Mike drove home, the fire was out and the trucks were gone, thank goodness, but the mix of that fresh rain after a long time and the smoke, was kind of neat and hopeful to me.

I know I'm easily amused lately,bit my husband took a fragment of the original banana phone song and put it on my phone for me. It makes me laugh every time I hear it and God knows that lately, I could use a good laugh because today was a day from hell.

I took Russell to the doctor for his cold/asthma. He's now on steroids.

As the doctor walks in, I get a phone call from the school and I'm thinking, "Oh, crap, it's the nurse and I hope she doesn't need stitches." It was the principal. Genny had taken a knife to school to show off -- Mike's Swiss Army knife. I about crapped my pants. Then Genny had had the unmitigated gall to lie her ass off about it to the principal and to imagine that the principal would be that dumb.

Yeah...flabbergasted. That's me.

Called the psychiatrist. Had a meeting at the school. Bought 6 gi-normous crates to put her toys, books and assorted crap in to limit her world. The school has her on detention for 3 days pending how she does. If she continues to pull this shrugging passive/aggressive bullshit, she'll get more days.

Still stewing on how to handle it all. Gonna pack up her room on Friday. Going to devise a system by which she can earn her belongings back.

So much for working this week.

Tomorrow, the inlaws come to Reno. Oh, Joy.

Hell, Nevada. Apparently, it's a place I live in.

Russell is sick as a dog. He's plain disgusting, too...just a one child snot machine. If you need boogers, the boy has 'em. Just drop me a line and I'll fed ex you your very own set.

He's coughing, sneezing, snoozing. I grounded him off his computer, so he'd go in and out of sleep all day on the couch and I can feel the bug in my system trying to make me sick, too, which stinks. I'm bummed because I've had to blow off 2 days of work so far and it's not getting better. Tomorrow morning, I call the pediatrician and ask about drugs for the boy. I know they like to wait, but with the severity of his asthma, I doubt that's a good idea. When I got back from errands, he looked paler, sicker and crappier than earlier. When they're sick, even as teenagers, they seem so small. I made him a big pot of turkey rice soup. He's been loving that stuff.

In other news, the well guys came out and stabilized the well/pump set up. They made it so the pump is working far less and we even had bit of rain sprinkles today. It was weird. It's been so dry here..not even thunderstorms, so it was weird to smell rain, even if only a sprinkle.

I'm really tired lately probably from my malfunctioning liver. I've been watching my food carefully to reduce fat intake. Today, I had my soup for breakfast and some raisin bread, lunch was a chicken burrito and dinner was more soup and crackers. I'm watching fat content on things and trying very hard to take it easy on my poor liver.

Off the wall things that families do:
Tonight's question is: Is it possible to strangle a fish? If you use merriam-webster's first definition, it requires a throat, but the second definition just says to essentially interfere in the breathing of, thus, yes, you can strangle a fish. I know exactly what to do to the next sad bastard betta we buy when the kids don't take care of it....

SBL commented:My SIL had bariatric surgery because she started getting the fatty liver disease that was majorly affecting her health. She exercised religiously after the surgery (starting with swimming) and the weight has been dropping off. She attributes the exercise to helping her not get the droopy skin. Also, her type 2 diabetes went away. She was very good about sticking to the amount and types of food that she was supposed to eat and I think you would be able to do that too.

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Yeah, I think so, too. I'm actually pretty good about food -- low cholesterol, barely abnormal triglycerides (usually a diabetic's nightmare) and my HBa1c is almost normal. Not being very mobile is my biggest issue, an issue which I think will be resolved by weight loss. My knee has never stopped being swollen. My orthopedist was commenting on that last time he saw me. I am sure it's from the arthritis and my hope is that if I lose weight, I can make that joint replacement last a very long time and avoid needing to replace the other part of the joint for a good many years more. It'll also make it so I can realistically teach, which means I could finish up finally and be done with my credential and get to do what I like to do.

I have concerns about the vitamin deficiencies that many bariatric patients experience. I have two friends who had it with really awful issues. One had intestinal blockages and is now on lifelong blood infusions. The other has her insides held together by a net. That doesn't seem like a step up, you know?

They both had the Rue en Y surgery, which is where they cut into the stomach and reconnect stuff. It's very invasive, requires a bit of a hospital stay, and seems to me to be a good reason to get the lap band because if things go terribly wrong, it can be removed pretty easily and the lap band is an outpatient procedure. With any luck at all, if things were to go wrong, I will have already dropped a significant amount of weight and be mobile again enough to be able to keep it off.

Right now, I know I am wavering on the cusp of permanent disability and being able to have a say in how my future plays out. I think if I wait too much longer, I won't have any say and will be unsaying it from a wheelchair.

Man, I feel so yucky lately. I think I'm wildy anemic. Also, my digestive track isn't working very well. Pretty much, if I don't take cholestyramine every night, I end up with a horrible case of the runs, regardless of what I eat. It makes me nervous because the doctors told me when I had my gall bladder surgery that I'm starting to get fatty liver disease because of my weight and I am scared to death and that the only cure was to drop the weight.

I'm going to go to a bariatric seminar the first of October. I can't stand how limited I feel by my body. I want to be the busy active person I used to be. I think if I do this right, I can plan to do the surgery by next summer and take the summer to recover and see how it's going. I may move it to sooner, depending on the information I find out at the seminar. I'm looking at the lap band because it's removable and it's adustable and it's an outpatient procedure for most people. I'm worried about how the nutrition thing is going to work for me, but I have a few ideas about that, too.

I'm going to get the uterine ablation to stop the horrible bleeding and anemia I suffer through each and every month. That will at least do something to help prevent anemia after my surgery. I'm also going to talk to Mell and see if we can plan and schedule this somewhat.

Finally coming to grips with the need for surgery, has been a brutal thing. I've held onto the idea that somehow I could pull it out of my ass and I'd magically lose weight. I feel like I failed and I feel so sad about that. I've tried so hard in so many ways to get my body under control, but everything got bad all of the sudden so fast that I had no way to keep up with it. And with gas so expensive, it's hard to justify going to the club even if it is for my health.

The other thing is my dreams have been scaring me. I keep dreaming that I'm going to die. Sometimes, I've even wished for it because I've felt so frustrated with my body. When I wake up frightened, I think What if the kids or Mike found me dead? I think with my recent birthday, I feel my mortality more than I have for a long time. I feel so sad, so desperate and so frantic, but I feel like I have no choices left other than a wheelchair and/or dying. Those are really shitty choices.

Some of what brought this on, is how horribly out of shape I am. I taught first graders on Thursday and I just came home and fell sound asleep on my birthday. I was on my feet all day. I was so disheartened because I could see that I really needed to circulate more than I was physically able to. Mike had to pry me out of bed, to have me read my cards and show me the flowers he bought me. I canceled the job I had Friday because I was dead on my feet. It was special education, too, so I had been pretty psyched about getting to do it and very sad about not being able to handle it.

Next week, I've got four days scheduled and I'm basically going to train a lot at the club to build up my endurance, pound vitamins, prepare food in advance and hope to God, I can pull it off. We need the money so badly and each day I cancel is $100 that we desperately need.

There's a bariatric seminar on Tuesday in Reno, but I teach Carson City 5th graders (my least favorite age group) that day and I have to be up at the ass crack of dawn on Wednesday to do resource room for high schoolers, so a night in town the night before that would be pretty rugged. I also am going to have to run home, grab Russell and then bring him to his allergy shot appointment, so I won't get to go home after working and take a nap, but will be running. I don't want to be out even vaguely late. I am teaching the same 5th graders on Thursday, so I need to keep myself sharp to make it work. Friday, I sub for the auto shop teacher at the high school.

I will be at the club working out this weekend. I also plan to go on Monday. I figure even a little bit of built up endurance will get me through it all and that's what I need. I think I also need the emotional boost of having one place where gravity isn't reminding me of how fat I am. Mike bought me this suit. It doesn't do as great a job of holding my boobs in place as my old one did, but it's really soft and slick, unlike my old one and the zipper makes it a heck of a lot easier to slip into. Once I get the girls lined up into the bra, it's really comfortable, but that initial shuffling of boobs is a pain.

I had a job interview yesterday for a computer assistant position at a school. It's part-time and it includes an hour of playground patrol.

The principal said that it'll vary between me just setting up the class for another teacher to use the room for furthering their curriculum to coming up with curriculum for the kids. That I'll also help out with fixing stuff when it breaks, etc. It sounds like a good match for me.

I told them that I wanted a position that would keep me in schools with kids until I can get back to school and would let me share schedules with them. I told them that my son takes a lot of my time and energy and there was no way I could finish school as long as he was in the house.

The well continues to be...touchy. The adjustment in pressure has certainly made a difference. We can put a different pump in, in anticipation of the well changes for $2500. That will still mean we need to come up with $16,000 to deepen the well. Mike still hasn't dug it out to find out if it has a liner. That liner will be the difference between deepening it and a new pump -- about $10,000 and sealing off the old well and digging a new well -- $16,000.

We watered the garden with the pool water this weekend and the weather is cooling down into the 80s, so that should get us through for a while. The end bed seems to be the one that needs the most mulch and water. I would like to apply more mulch this evening.

I haven't gotten to the jam yet, but that's today's goal. I stewed the plums and put them in the fridge, so I've got to pit them next. I purchases some jelly jars, so I have smaller jars to put things into. It seems silly to put jam into quart jars, otherwise. I also need to get through the tomatoes. I'm putting together some tomato-based salsa, and then just putting tomatoes into jars with a bit of oregano, so that it can cover my two favorite cuisines -- Mexican and Italian.

I've finally broke down and am taking iron pills. I am also looking into the ablation. This stuff of sleeping 10 hours a day and still being worn to a nub isn't cool at all. I'd like my life back.

The well and pump are on their last legs, so I didn't have time til last night to work on canning. I also wanted to try the salsa in order to make adjustments to the recipe.

Drumroll please!!!!!!!

I finally had some salsa. I had added extra spices, but I think it was too much, so I'm going to use the original recipes amounts. I do like the lime juice though, so keeping that. I also hand chopped, which I actually am changing out because this recipes has so little liquid, the larger chop isn't as workable for salsa. I'm going to add a small portion of hand chopped stuff and the rest is going to be food processed.

Just know that I worship at the altar of Cuisinart.

Last night, I husked almost all of the tomatillos and Mike and I finished up the dishes, so I can make more dishes.

Today, I will be canning. My evil plan is to send Genny out to pick more apples, so I can have enough for jam. I'm cooking up the plums shortly for pitting, so my stovetop will be a busy place.

I guess I should go clean it, so I can mess it up again. *sigh*

I have washed the cuisinart and am ready to chop. I have to rinse the tomatillos one more time and then I'm off to the races. I'm putting on sneakers, so I can tolerate the standing over the stove and I'm wearing an apron and expecting Mike to assgrabbing while I cook, especially if I wear a dress. I'll be wearing a dress, you betcha!

I've been running around so much that I've been getting exercise and this morning between the arthritis and the muscle aches I felt like I was part of the mattress. I had to scritch Mike's head for him to wake him up, too.

For the well, all I know is it's going to cost a lot of money no matter what we end up doing. In the interim, we can hook up a hose to the neighbors until the snow/rain comes, but if we have a long fall, that may really suck. We've looked into cisterns, but the fact that we are in a desert is a negative factor for cistern use. I do think that we could do some rain barrel collection for using the pool and watering the garden. We also discussed making a cement collection tank slightly above the house, so we could use gravity to get water out of this.

I've got a job interview on Monday with a Title I school to be a compuuter aide. It looks like I might be working with teachers on curriculum that utilizes computer and that I may be teaching kids how to use computers, so it'd be a good fit. It'd be part-time and $1500 a month, so overall, I think that'd work for me. It's a year round school, so it's also possible that I could take Genny with me. Title I schools end up with the best teachers, so it might end up working out well.

God's will, not mine. That's all there is to say.

So I went to the cheap store for produce...and they couldn't cut me the deal they usually cut me, but the guy directed me to this produce warehouse place in Sparks.

I bought a 40 lb box of tomatoes, a 40 lb box of tomatillos, a box of red bell peppers, and a 10 lb box of jalapenos for $35 less than I would have paid.

I made my first tomatillo salsa tonight. It's cooling in the boiler, so I haven't tried it yet. I used a combination of green, red and yellow hot chiles for pretty colors in it and to make it look more festive, you know? I also added some water to it. I think I'm going to try pureeing it in the cuisinart tomorrow and see if I don't like the consistency better. I hand chopped everything, so it was kind of chunky looking.

I think I should make a huge batch and make part of it hand chopped. I also am using lime juice in lieu of their vinegar and lemon juice and I tossed in a quart of water, which I then cooked out. I tossed in some of Mike's smoked chiles, but I think I'm going to make a batch that's tomatoes and chipotles only and probably will pick up a few habaneros at farmer's market on Friday and that'll be Friday's canning extravaganza.

The tomatoes were kind of orangy, so I've got a few days to get to them.
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My stupid car battery is dead, so I got the car from Mike at noon and bought a new one at Costco. My husband, who is never mechanically inclined, was also quite unmotivated (read very tired), so I'm having to drive with him to work tomorrow, so I can take Russell to the dr's. I also have to blow off a day of income at the "opportunity" high school and purchase him a socket wrench extender. It's gotta be longer. Doesn't that always seem to be the case with men?

Add to this that I am planning on spending the morning at LaDawn's to do laundry and fix her computer and I've got a lot going on.

I'm probably going to be tempted to blow off dealing with tomatillos, but I can't. They're already starting to turn a little and the produce dude told me to process them fast, so I'll be the dead critter tomorrow night.

And with this much produce, I'm going to have to plan not to work on Friday at all, even though Fridays are favorite sick days of most teachers.