Anyone who tells you it's not that bad should be immediately held suspect or at gunpoint. I'm not sure which.

They did the deed today. In three months, I go back for my quarterly pap smear.

Next time, the doctor said that she's going to put me under general anesthesia because my cervix points the wrong way and I feel too much. It hurt like a mofo. Better than having a hysterectomy, I'm guessing, however.

1500 mg of vicodan later, I'm not feeling much except really damned tired and sore inside. Sore like someone scraped my insides up bad.

Good news? Yes, there is some. The virus that causes this is not a high risk virus for cancer.

I get biopsy results on Monday that might explain the severe dysplasia pap smear. Or not. Tired and nauseous, so I'm going to bed again.

So, I'm getting my cervix hacked off tomorrow (Leep procedure) and I'm looking around on the Good Vibrations site for condoms once I've healed. Curiosity killed me, so I hit a button to see their "specials." I am thinking "what could be special after 10,000 years," but sex is a multi-billion dollar business these days. And I came across (pun intended dammit) a special kit that reminded me of a TV show from a few weeks ago.

I was watching the Osbournes. I'm blaming that fact on something related to the fact that I couldn't find the clicker and that I hadn't started taking synthroid yet, so I was too lazy to get off my big fat ass and go change it. And I saw this guy being kind of giggly and talking about taking off his clothes and having two other guys making fun of him and his ability to get it up through the bathroom door. I'm trying to talk to Mike, read a magazine, and watching this with periodic attention. After a while, I figured out that this guy was taking a mold of his penis. Good Vibrations has a silicon version, by the way.

I thought to myself, "Only a man would have thought of that." Only a man would want his special part to be immortalized as statuary. "Hey, Henry, is that there a penis sitting on the ground by that lawn gnome?"

So zoom forward to today's condom hunt until Mike gets the birthcontrol snip. My synthroid's working. I've got libido and three days has been a long time to not see my husband naked, dammit.

Then I'm looking at that kit and thinking of Mike. And doggone it, if I didn't think, "I need to get me one of those things for Mike." Then I started having a quasi-porn moment of imagining trying to make the mold. Good Vibrations is so kind as to give you two molds, so you can screw up one.

Then reality hits.

What would really happen instead of this quasi porn moment with my husband is that we'd be in the bathroom, after we were sure the kids went to bed, giggling and feeling each other up and sure as shootin' a kid would knock and need something. So then we'd be hustling to get some clothes on and stick our head out the door to see if we could resolve it without actually leaving the bathroom. Then the bathrobe tie would get caught on the container of penis mold goo and dump it on the floor.

Mike would cuss. I would die of embarrassment and think of some way to shoo the half-asleep child away and we'd be trying to scrape all this crap off the floor and by the time we got it all cleaned up the mood would be shot, we'd be tired, pissed off, and grumpy. And we'd fall asleep.

So then I was thinking, "Who needs birth control? We've got kids!"

That should be a freakin' bumper sticker.

The synthroid is doing wonders. I'm dropping weight like a stone and I feel pretty good. I think I could probably use a little more, but for now, it's going pretty well.

The only problem I've run into is that I seem to be having low sugar problems. I may have to cut back on my diabetes meds, but I don't have time to deal with it right now with the end of the semester and the surgery in two days. Once things have calmed down, I'll start doing a food/sugar journal for my doctor.

Mike and Bear left Monday morning for the field trip on the coast of California. I pulled out my knapsack to go to class last night and discovered their lunches, so of course, I spent last night fretting about it.

My friend, S, is worrying me. She's working, but still broke. Her phone's been cut off and she thinks she's going to lose her car to the repoman. I'm seriously thinking about getting her a cricket phone and paying for it for a few months, just so she can have a phone.

I'm so freaking codependent. My thought is if I have money, I like to help other people with it. S was worrying about paying us back and I basically told her, that if she felt like she had pay it back somehow, that she should donate to the local food closet when she got into a position to do so, but that in the meantime, she should take care of getting her feet under her because her paying us back was not a make or break point to our relationship with her.

We have the bonus coming up soon, so we're looking forward to having that money around. I think we're going to buy us a rototiller, Jeb. I got me some proper-TEE to rototill because the front yard is one big gigantic weed fest. In the desert, it doesn't make sense to have a well, so that you can water big front lawn, so that the bunnies and deer have something to eat, so we need to till it under and start the landscaping project.

Things to look forward to, huh?

I'm having trouble getting motivated to finish up school. I know that the best thing is to just stop, and I want to stop. However, the guilt of not finishing when I can do a few things is about killing me.

And I still have the procedure hanging over me.

Tomorrow, Mike and Russell leave and I'm not spending the whole damned day doing their laundry. I really do have papers to write, but explaining that to my snoring partner...well, never you mind.

Officially, it's not cancer, and the stuff on the outside is mild displasia, but because of the initial reading of severe displasia, the doctor still wants to do the loop procedure to remove some of my cervix because that means that the severe stuff may be in the cervical canal, which is kind of scary to me because I'm wondering how far up it goes?

What to do, what to do.

I know, thank my mind for sharing!

I'm very relieved, but I will still be going in every three months for a pap smear, and I may have to have this procedure repeated over the next year a few times -- big fun. I'm getting the IUD out next Thursday. Mike and I will be condom shopping.

Heh.

The procedure will be done next Thursday, April 29th. I'm planning on snoozing through the afternoon afterwards and the doctor has ordered a tranquilizer just for the occasion.

On a side note, I've been just diagnosed by my regular doctor with hypothyroidism today.

In light of all this body stuff, I'm thinking that God is trying to get my attention, so I'm going to see how I feel on the thyroid medication, but I am probably going to take next 6-12 months off from grad school. Both my doctors are really worried about me and I trust them. And I'm worried, too.

Many of the folks in my kids group said that you thought if I took a year off, I'd never go back, but as an undergrad, I often took a quarter off, when I got tired and went back in when I was ready in a quarter or two. It's my education and I'm paying for it, so I guess I want to be in my best form mentally, physically, and spiritually. It would suck to do a half-hearted job, when I know what I am capable of. I also have a never quit thing within me. Bad.

Hey, it makes me the workaholic I am today. ;p

Speaking of which, I am tired and I'm stressed. Stress can make the cervical stuff worse. I'd like to see if after this procedure, I can have a clear year with no displasia. I'd like to give the thyroid meds time to work and see if I can get my weight down. With weight loss, a number of my health issues get better -- especially the diabetes and the asthma. I may also just take off next fall and go back in the spring, but I feel like I need to take some time to take care of my body and get myself well.

Well, the news is kind of good news/bad news...

They did use the Bethesda scale and I met the criterion for severe displasia (cuz I asked). What results they got back does mean possible cancer, though she does not think I am cancerous from what little she could see. She said that the transitional area is not "cancerous looking." However, the biopsy will tell.

Also, there's not much out around in the cervix which indicates severe displasia, but I have an IUD and it's very possible that it's all up in the canal, which is a cause for concern. She took biopsies and cultures from everywhere. We won't know for sure what's going on until the biopsy results come back (I'll hear Thursday AM), which will also tell us whether this is a high-risk viral strain or a low-risk viral strain for cancer.

Either way, it's more waiting, unfortunately.

The doctor is pretty sure she'll need to do the loop procedure and remove part of my cervix. Because of the procedure mechanics, she is going to have to remove the IUD. Because it's possible I may have to have this done a few more times, it will have to stay removed.

Mike and I have already set the appointment for the vasectomy consultation-- as I can't have more kids after this is done and Mike and I definitely do not want any more children, unless we adopt.

I even posed the question -- What if something happens and we divorce and you find the woman of your dreams and she wants kids? He said,"She can adopt. I *have* two kids. Otherwise, she can find someone else."

MY HERO!

Additionally,with my diabetes and other health concerns -- I can't handle hormones at all, nor take the physical risk that pregnancy poses and Mike doesn't want me to.

I told Mike he can't tell his family until afterwards because his mother will shit herself. She nearly had a cow when we had mentioned it before right after having Genny. She may hear about the cancer scare stuff, but we're not discussing fallout with her by any means.

I'm going to bed now because I'm cramping and uncomfortable, despite 800 mg of ibuprofen.

Well, we've had our ~ April 15th snow. It was just enough to stick and now it's raining and washing away the telltale signs -- white, sticky, cold -- you know. I'm going to have to wait a month for the circa May 15th snow, but admittedly this is comforting -- patterns that don't change much.

Thankfully, the peach tree has already set fruit, so it may yet yield fruit. There are the two *ahem* trees which have been flowering. They are called the *ahem* trees because we've never actually seen fruit on them, so we aren't sure what they are. The apple tree has only flowered a little, so I'm hoping we'll still get fruit.

If I only get stuff from the peach three, then I'll make a lot of peach jam and canned peaches and of course, PEPPERS!

I'm awfully glad it's raining. I hadn't gotten out to water everything and now I don't have to.

Honestly, I'd missed the snow on the foothills and now, it's back. Usually, I'm plain sick of winter, but winter ended mostly back in February, so I've had time to miss it.

Everyone tells me that whatever this cervical dyplasia stuff comes to that I'll probably have a really uncomfortable office visit. However, most folks aren't talking about a lot of dysplasia, they're talking a little. I've heard the gamut from hysterectomy to partial cervical removal to uncomfortable biopsy resolved in one day.

My mother's vote is for a hysterectomy, so I don't have to endure menopause. Personally, I'm all for some level of permanent birth control at my age, however, I was thinking Mike could get it. Radical abdomenal surgery just doesn't rank up there on my list of things I'd ever wish for unless I had gotten pretty damned desperate. I am contemplating taking a year off from grad school, so I can drop weight and not have to have the gastric bypass, so a hysterectomy seems like a less than desirable option just to avoid hormones. Unlike my mother, I know a few herbs to use. Additionally, if I was more bitchy than usual at home, my family would likely not notice a distinct change or if they got annoyed with me, I'd get told.

Russell's actually really good about saying in a super tactful and nice way,"What the hell is up with you, Mom?" Mike is less tactful, but loving about the same thing. Genny just razes the house. It's her little way of saying,"And you thought you were evil?"

I'm getting an incomplete in one class. I may have to take one in the other class and blow off mini-term to get caught up.

Oddly enough, I thought I would be upset and I'm not. I'm relieved that I can just take the time and figure this out. The other thing I wondered about is if this problem might be contributing to my continuing lack of sexual interest, since I had Genny.

My biggest worry is probably insane to someone who has medical knowledge, but I was wondering if the cootie cells would travel up the IUD into my uterus. Then I got insanely nervous and realized I should just stop with that line of thought immediately, because basically, I can worry about this incessantly to little avail until Monday.

Well, hell, I'm wildly worrying anyhow, but it's nice to just try to fake myself out into some relative sanity. As my husband says,"You not worry? " Then he guffaws for a few minutes and then just starts looking at me and snickering helplessly.

Bastard.

Up until we moved nearly 3 years ago, I had dutifully gotten my annual pap smear. In all that time -- 17 years -- I have never had anything but normal pap smears.

This year, I finally remembered to schedule myself and go get seen. I got a letter in the mail, which is how they report results telling me that I have dysplasia -- abnormal cells on the cervix, usually chalked up to a few stray genital warts. Then I looked at the enclosed pamphlet and realized, that this was potentially dangerous, as they described in intricate detail the levels you go through before cancer.

I called frantically requesting my colposcopy. I finally got a doctor to explain to me that I have severe dysplasia -- a severe precancer condition. I started to cry.

I go in on Monday to get the colposcopy -- scared half to death and already behind on a lot of schoolwork.

My MIL informed us that she is sending Mike's brother out to visit -- the week before finals! I like the guy, but can't say I'm thrilled he's coming out so close to finals. As usual, we weren't asked. He's just arriving. Top that off with that Russell comes home the next day to say that his field trip is during the middle of Uncle's stay, and it got more special. Then I did something remarkably stupid -- I communicated directly with Mike's mother about it. I don't know what possessed me to do something that patently stupid, but I did it. Then, Mike's brother apparently sent her all the emails I sent him privately, the fuckhead.

Unfortunately, then she sent this martyred saint email ,"I thought you'd enjoy visiting with him too but if it is a hassel we can forfeit the ticket. " It is a hassle, but that's not what I said to you. :) There's a reason you didn't get that email. There's a reason I didn't discuss it with you. I DIDN'T WANT YOU TO PULL THE MARTYR CARD. Yeesh. I need a shower.

So then I had to write an explanatory email because I'm so fucking done with this crap.

Mike and I discussed this email and why I should or should not send it to you. Mike said you did not need to know all this stuff. I said that not telling you what was going on has been a source of frustration and anger to me over the years and is exactly why you do not always understand where I am coming from and why you make erroneous assumptions about my intentions.

What I would enjoy or not enjoy the week before finals is not the issue. I have finals and I will be studying and writing papers for them because I will not let the time that my family has sacrificed away from me for the past semester be for a "B." I am simply trying to make sure that my children and my husband, who will have time to spend with Mark, are able to. Certainly, he's not here to visit his sister-in-law, but rather his brother. My presence or the lack thereof, should not be a make or break point to his visit, and my husband and children are looking forward to having him visit. I am a grad student, therefore, I have no social life. My friends all miss me and bitch at me for not calling. Mark can bitch if he wants, but he'll have to take a number behind my husband, my children, my mother, my grandmother, LaDawn, Mel, Dan, Donna, Pauline, and others. June 5, I will be booking all available time to friends and family who would like to attend a bitchfest, wherein they may complain incessantly for as long as there is alcohol, about what a rotten so and so I am while I'm in school.

Unfortunately, your original message lacked specificity, and in order to schedule everyone, so we can make it work, we needed to clarify things, so that our family could plan accordingly. When Russell came home with the date of his field trip, a field trip that he really needs a parent to go with him on, I felt it was appropriate to inform you and M. and to let you know the limits of what we are able to do and what our time constraints are. Russell has waited all year for this trip, and while he said he'd ditch it to see his uncle, I think that would be unfortunate for him and unnecessary, so I was trying to get information about M.'s plans, so I could figure out what I could do to make it work out for everyone. Because I did not know M.'s schedule, I let you know about my night classes, which as it turns out, will not be a problem at all. In fact, picking him up at the airport will be no problem. For taking him to the airport at the buttcrack of dawn with a three year old in tow, I expect him to send me a physically fit personal masseuse (a gay eunuch - according to Mike will be acceptable) wearing nothing but a thong, a smile, and a bottle of warmed massage oil to arrive one hour after my last final ends. Or he may buy me an enormous caffe latte at starbucks.

Additionally, I am personally sensitive to communications from you, and, if you notice, I did not send that email to you. Unfortunately, K. did email it to you. Mike says that I should learn to ignore any inferences because that's what he does. I'm not as adept at it as he is, clearly. Perhaps I saw inferences where there were none, but I am also under an enormous amount of stress between now and the end of the semester with a paper or two due each week until Mid-May, so my interpretive skills may not be at their best because I am exhausted and stressed out. Unfortunately, I am the one most skilled at juggling schedules and keeping track of that stuff in our household, so while I should have had Mike handle the email, I was trying to be helpful to him because he's slammed at work. He's been made big engineer hunkybutt on a new project, so he's busy, too. Because he's the big engineer hunkybutt, he has to let them know if he won't be there with enough notice that they don't freak. They don't refer to him as hunkybutt, but I do, and it's my email, so big engineer hunkybutt it is.

If M. chooses to ditch the trip, that's his choice. Yes, M. is showing up at a difficult time for me personally. However, as far as I am concerned, you suggested a plan that will work for everyone and will serve to impact me little. If I have to work, I can simply drive up to the university office to work. I have no class the week of Russell's spring break, so I am hoping to get ahead a little bit then, so that I have time to spend. I'm caught up on my reading and assignments, so that extra week should serve me well, but it will also depend on the workload from the professors I work for, which I have no way to plan for.

As a friend's band says, "Show up or throw up, we don't care. We're going to party all night long."

The party is on whether he shows or not.

So she writes back that

The fact is it deeply hurts me not to have a better relationship with you and I think I how it must make Mike feel, caught in the middle. All I can say is I'm sorry and I will try harder.

Well, could you try harder by being real and not sending me all the crap email? Yuck.

Could you have tried harder a few years ago before all the shit hit the fan and splattered wildly all over our lives? With two kids there's enough of that to clean up, trust me.

Could you have tried harder to make my son feel welcome? Things like remembering his birthday would help.

And Mike doesn't feel in the middle. He feels protective of me. He feels protective of his kids. He feels protective of himself.

I just feel sick.

I've been buried in crap to do and that is not actually slowing down much, other than I will be working on more of it again, shortly.

I'm thinking about taking next year off to exercise. While I'm losing weight, I don't have time to exercise and that's what makes the difference for me -- exercise. I am just not clear I want to have gastric bypass surgery either. It would be such a difficult surgery, despite some of the obvious benefits later.

Right now, I 've got to go correct the papers that have been patiently waiting on me.