Today is great in lots of ways, except my body is having a FUCK day. I'm Christmas decorating, listening to Christmas music, eating yummy foods, and hanging out with my Hubby and Girl. The Boy is at work. We're heading to Costco, where Hubby and Girl will endeavor to hit every sample table in the joint.
My fucking body cringes at the thought of having to go anywhere other than the motherfucking couch or bed. My fucking shoulders are screaming, "FUCK YOU!" at the top of their joints. My hips are fucked and rigid like sheets of fucking glass. My knees are a concoction of shrapnel and ground glass chunks and sand, so every step is a delightful fucking foray into an abyss of neverending pain. I will be in another fucking wheelie cart and I'd rather gnaw off my fucking arm.
The fucking clouds are coming in and Mike says a storm is coming. My fucking barometer of a body apparently fucking agrees.
I was frustrated because I really wanted to take out my fucking nutcrackers and put them places. I ran out of sugar and started to get fucking cranky telling Genny where to put stuff and took my fucking sugars and realized I was fucking hungry and heading into insulin shock. When Hubby told me to fucking get seconds of soup off the stove, I wanted to cry and scream, "FUCK YOU!" I groaned inwardly, wandered into the kitchen, and got my own fucking seconds.
I have all these fucking things I want to do and my body would rather curl up in a ball on a heating pad, loaded with ibuprofen in semi-safe doses and my motherfucking vibrating neck pillow.
Then, good night, moon.
Fuck you, body. Fuck you, pain. Fuck all agony, everyone.
Thursday, November 08, 2012
OK. I participated in marches, protests, wrote letters, phoned legislators. I donated money to the party of my choice that most accurately portrayed my views.
I have many intelligent people who are conservative that I count among my friends. I respect and love them. I think that the current state of the Republican party serves them poorly.
I am sad that Fox News is allowed to persist in their misinformation. My hope is that Fox will go the way of similar outlets like, "The National Enquirer," and become a source of laughable stories, quickly dismissed and put back "on the rack." I think there's a place for intelligent, well-argued conservatism. Unfortunately, their portrayal of them as a "news source" for the conservatively minded is bullshit and their presentation of themselves as intelligent reporting for conservatives is probably the one thing that any future Republican candidate should see coming and run screaming from the room when approached.
Their reliance on misinformation makes a mockery of that and in no way resembles intelligence or a well-structured argument. Somewhere in my educational elucidation, I had an English professor discuss the logical fallacies. I am so very dependent on reason. It's a part of my psyche to make sense of things.
I do think that logic is not faith nor is faith logical. In politics, I don't mix the two.
My experience of Fox is that they resort to all of the logic fallacies that crumble before what makes sense -- ad hominen, non sequitur, etc. discussed here. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fallacy) The fact that it is so easily made fun of by Comedy Central icons, Stephen Colbert and Jon Stewart, is because they simply make no sense. That lack of sense-making is why it's hilarious to watch them be made fun of. It's kind of like poking a trapped animal with a sharp stick, which I think is where much of the rancor of this recent election comes from.
My hope is that as Americans that we pressure the hell out of our legislators to find MIDDLE GROUND. Yes, it's nice to push your way because you can.. However, I think it's far more gracious to include your enemies into your circle of friends, so that they can learn that you are both human, afterall.
I have many intelligent people who are conservative that I count among my friends. I respect and love them. I think that the current state of the Republican party serves them poorly.
I am sad that Fox News is allowed to persist in their misinformation. My hope is that Fox will go the way of similar outlets like, "The National Enquirer," and become a source of laughable stories, quickly dismissed and put back "on the rack." I think there's a place for intelligent, well-argued conservatism. Unfortunately, their portrayal of them as a "news source" for the conservatively minded is bullshit and their presentation of themselves as intelligent reporting for conservatives is probably the one thing that any future Republican candidate should see coming and run screaming from the room when approached.
Their reliance on misinformation makes a mockery of that and in no way resembles intelligence or a well-structured argument. Somewhere in my educational elucidation, I had an English professor discuss the logical fallacies. I am so very dependent on reason. It's a part of my psyche to make sense of things.
I do think that logic is not faith nor is faith logical. In politics, I don't mix the two.
My experience of Fox is that they resort to all of the logic fallacies that crumble before what makes sense -- ad hominen, non sequitur, etc. discussed here. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fallacy) The fact that it is so easily made fun of by Comedy Central icons, Stephen Colbert and Jon Stewart, is because they simply make no sense. That lack of sense-making is why it's hilarious to watch them be made fun of. It's kind of like poking a trapped animal with a sharp stick, which I think is where much of the rancor of this recent election comes from.
My hope is that as Americans that we pressure the hell out of our legislators to find MIDDLE GROUND. Yes, it's nice to push your way because you can.. However, I think it's far more gracious to include your enemies into your circle of friends, so that they can learn that you are both human, afterall.
Saturday, November 03, 2012
I have found lyrica. I don't like the idea of crawling into a bottle for relief, but that bottle is a lifeline. It's saving my life a day at a time.
This week I finally was out of pain sufficiently, after a pretty hefty flare, to go to the pool. I did the aqua-aerobics class. The teacher kept trying to put me in some therapeutic group and I thanked her and declined.
The problem with a "therapeutic" group in my experience is that it's a bunch of old ladies, who aren't really trying to huff and puff. I need to huff and puff. I want to huff and puff. Just call me Wolfy, baby.
I finally just asked the instructor, if she'd just let me do my own thing. I adapted stuff to work with my body size and abilities. Being that my shoulders were feeling pretty ripped apart still from the flare, I just did it smaller and simpler.
--
Currently, I am working on an edit that is making me tear large hunks of hair out. I swear the level of illiteracy in people is simply astounding. No, "abliverate" is not a word.
--
Some day, I'll sleep at night again.
This week I finally was out of pain sufficiently, after a pretty hefty flare, to go to the pool. I did the aqua-aerobics class. The teacher kept trying to put me in some therapeutic group and I thanked her and declined.
The problem with a "therapeutic" group in my experience is that it's a bunch of old ladies, who aren't really trying to huff and puff. I need to huff and puff. I want to huff and puff. Just call me Wolfy, baby.
I finally just asked the instructor, if she'd just let me do my own thing. I adapted stuff to work with my body size and abilities. Being that my shoulders were feeling pretty ripped apart still from the flare, I just did it smaller and simpler.
--
Currently, I am working on an edit that is making me tear large hunks of hair out. I swear the level of illiteracy in people is simply astounding. No, "abliverate" is not a word.
--
Some day, I'll sleep at night again.
Monday, September 10, 2012
Via http://www.invisibleillnessconference.com
1. The illnesses I live with are: fibromyalgia and arthritis, along side of some others. These are the ones that cause me pain.
2. I was diagnosed with it in the year: 2011 and 2000, respectively.
3. But I had symptoms since: 1986 (fibro)
4. The biggest adjustment I’ve had to make is: limited mobility.
5. Most people assume: I'm lazy or incapable of a lot, rather than asking me.
6. The hardest part about mornings are: getting up, showering, and dressing.
7. My favorite medical TV show is: House
8. A gadget I couldn’t live without is: my grabber
9. The hardest part about nights are:sleeping and pain.
10. Each day I take 15-20 pills & vitamins.
11. Regarding alternative treatments I: have tried yoga, stretching, aquaaerobics.
12. If I had to choose between an invisible illness or visible I would choose: visible
13. Regarding working and career: I want to be able to work and handle a 40 hour a week.
14. People would be surprised to know: I continue to write a lot that I don't post.
15. The hardest thing to accept about my new reality has been: the incessant pain.
16. Something I never thought I could do with my illness that I did was: work retail
17. The commercials about my illness: are always about drugs.
18. Something I really miss doing since I was diagnosed is:
19. It was really hard to have to give up: the idea of running a marathon.
20. A new hobby I have taken up since my diagnosis is: beading.
21. If I could have one day of feeling normal again I would: Run a marathon.
22. My illness has taught me: more patience.
23. Want to know a secret? One thing people say that gets under my skin is: I hope you feel better. The drag is when the touch me and I want to yell, "PLEASE DON'T TOUCH ME!"
24. But I love it when people: offer to help and follow through.
25. My favorite motto, scripture, quote that gets me through tough times is:I love you. You're not alone.
26. When someone is diagnosed I’d like to tell them: I love you.
27. Something that has surprised me about living with an illness is: always having to explain it to people and the shock on their face when they realize just how painful it is.
28. The nicest thing someone did for me when I wasn’t feeling well was: my husband pet my hair.
29. I’m involved with Invisible Illness Week because: I have nothing to lose.
30. The fact that you read this list makes me feel: like I am not alone.
1. The illnesses I live with are: fibromyalgia and arthritis, along side of some others. These are the ones that cause me pain.
2. I was diagnosed with it in the year: 2011 and 2000, respectively.
3. But I had symptoms since: 1986 (fibro)
4. The biggest adjustment I’ve had to make is: limited mobility.
5. Most people assume: I'm lazy or incapable of a lot, rather than asking me.
6. The hardest part about mornings are: getting up, showering, and dressing.
7. My favorite medical TV show is: House
8. A gadget I couldn’t live without is: my grabber
9. The hardest part about nights are:sleeping and pain.
10. Each day I take 15-20 pills & vitamins.
11. Regarding alternative treatments I: have tried yoga, stretching, aquaaerobics.
12. If I had to choose between an invisible illness or visible I would choose: visible
13. Regarding working and career: I want to be able to work and handle a 40 hour a week.
14. People would be surprised to know: I continue to write a lot that I don't post.
15. The hardest thing to accept about my new reality has been: the incessant pain.
16. Something I never thought I could do with my illness that I did was: work retail
17. The commercials about my illness: are always about drugs.
18. Something I really miss doing since I was diagnosed is:
19. It was really hard to have to give up: the idea of running a marathon.
20. A new hobby I have taken up since my diagnosis is: beading.
21. If I could have one day of feeling normal again I would: Run a marathon.
22. My illness has taught me: more patience.
23. Want to know a secret? One thing people say that gets under my skin is: I hope you feel better. The drag is when the touch me and I want to yell, "PLEASE DON'T TOUCH ME!"
24. But I love it when people: offer to help and follow through.
25. My favorite motto, scripture, quote that gets me through tough times is:I love you. You're not alone.
26. When someone is diagnosed I’d like to tell them: I love you.
27. Something that has surprised me about living with an illness is: always having to explain it to people and the shock on their face when they realize just how painful it is.
28. The nicest thing someone did for me when I wasn’t feeling well was: my husband pet my hair.
29. I’m involved with Invisible Illness Week because: I have nothing to lose.
30. The fact that you read this list makes me feel: like I am not alone.
Monday, July 02, 2012
Saturday, April 28, 2012
There's been a lot, at times, that I haven't cared for from my in-laws. When Mike and I first got together, well, they were downright mean at times.
Mike's grandfather was never mean. He never lost his temper with me or the kids. He was kind. He treated Russell with love and kindness from the get-go. He always hugged me good-bye and he called me, "sweetheart." He did small thoughtful things. While he never spoke a lot, he usually showed you that he thought the world of you in a small gesture or a kind phrase. That was just Pop's way of doing things. I felt like one of his loved grandchildren. I felt like a princess around him.
In the past few years, he's been in a state of decline. We were at a casino and he was out of it for lack of a better phrase. I made a small joke and he asked me to repeat it, so I did. He clearly didn't get it, even though it wasn't any great feat of wit on my part. And I wondered. At a later time, we were visiting him and he seemed a little fuzzy-brained. He also had a hard time getting around.
At one of Mike's brother's weddings, Mike had to escort him down the aisle to his seat because he couldn't get there on his own.
Today, my parents came to visit. They gave me a star sapphire ring that my father bought for my grandmother, when he was in Vietnam. Attached to it was a small note in her writing explaining that fact and that she wanted me to have it. She knew it was my birth stone. On top of that, there was a small hair clip with my name on it. I don't think I normally would put something in my hair at my age, but I did today. I cried when I saw the note about the ring. I felt the touch of my grandmother's love from across time and I just missed her terribly in that little bit of time.
As my parents got up to leave for the evening, Mike's brother called saying that Pop didn't have much longer and that they didn't expect him to make it through the night. I guess he passed around midnight our time. I miss him, too. I wish sincerely that we could go to say goodbye to him . I always have appreciated Mike's grandparents because I miss mine very much -- Pop, in particular, reminds me a great deal of my mother's father, for whom I named my son.
Tonight, I miss Alice and Lyman. I'm glad for their peace, though. It was as if Alice sent that ring with my parents because she knew that today Pop was going to meet her for the first time.
This post is in memory of Alice, and particularly, of Lyman, who both are loved and both of whom made such marks on my life and the lives of others, in ways that others may not see, but in ways I see every single day. May I live up to the high standards they set for me and honor their memories by the way in which I live my life and love others, and of course, the way in which I love both of them.
Mike's grandfather was never mean. He never lost his temper with me or the kids. He was kind. He treated Russell with love and kindness from the get-go. He always hugged me good-bye and he called me, "sweetheart." He did small thoughtful things. While he never spoke a lot, he usually showed you that he thought the world of you in a small gesture or a kind phrase. That was just Pop's way of doing things. I felt like one of his loved grandchildren. I felt like a princess around him.
In the past few years, he's been in a state of decline. We were at a casino and he was out of it for lack of a better phrase. I made a small joke and he asked me to repeat it, so I did. He clearly didn't get it, even though it wasn't any great feat of wit on my part. And I wondered. At a later time, we were visiting him and he seemed a little fuzzy-brained. He also had a hard time getting around.
At one of Mike's brother's weddings, Mike had to escort him down the aisle to his seat because he couldn't get there on his own.
Today, my parents came to visit. They gave me a star sapphire ring that my father bought for my grandmother, when he was in Vietnam. Attached to it was a small note in her writing explaining that fact and that she wanted me to have it. She knew it was my birth stone. On top of that, there was a small hair clip with my name on it. I don't think I normally would put something in my hair at my age, but I did today. I cried when I saw the note about the ring. I felt the touch of my grandmother's love from across time and I just missed her terribly in that little bit of time.
As my parents got up to leave for the evening, Mike's brother called saying that Pop didn't have much longer and that they didn't expect him to make it through the night. I guess he passed around midnight our time. I miss him, too. I wish sincerely that we could go to say goodbye to him . I always have appreciated Mike's grandparents because I miss mine very much -- Pop, in particular, reminds me a great deal of my mother's father, for whom I named my son.
Tonight, I miss Alice and Lyman. I'm glad for their peace, though. It was as if Alice sent that ring with my parents because she knew that today Pop was going to meet her for the first time.
This post is in memory of Alice, and particularly, of Lyman, who both are loved and both of whom made such marks on my life and the lives of others, in ways that others may not see, but in ways I see every single day. May I live up to the high standards they set for me and honor their memories by the way in which I live my life and love others, and of course, the way in which I love both of them.
Sunday, April 15, 2012
I have to tell you the spoon story. In my version of course, Ruby is one of the main characters. Ha!
Two friends, Ruby and Betty are at a diner having coffee and waiting for their food to arrive.
Ruby is trying to explain to Betty what living with fibromyalgia is. (I've seen this used for lupus, too.) Ruby tells Betty, "Go grab all the spoons you can in the diner." Betty giggles at the game and snags all the spoons she can find off the surrounding tables and comes back to her vinyl seat with a fistful of spoons.
Ruby says, "Imagine that you wake up and you've only got 6 spoons. For each thing you have to do, you have to use a spoon." So Ruby counts out 6 spoons and gives them to Betty.
Betty says, "Well, I first I get ready for work." And Betty places a spoon on the table. Then she says, "Then I leave the house." And she places another spoon on the table. "I work and come home." She places a spoon on the table. "I make dinner." She places a spoon on the table. "I watch TV." She places a spoon on the table. "I get to bed." She places the last spoon on the table."
Ruby says, "Well, that's not quite how it works." Ruby collects the spoons.
"First, I have to wake up." Ruby places a spoon on the table.
"Then I have to actually get out of bed." Ruby places a second spoon the table.
"Then, I shower." Ruby places another spoon on the table.
"Then I have to get dressed." Ruby places another spoon on the table.
"Then I have to get out to the kitchen." Ruby places another spoon the table.
"Then I have to eat." Ruby places the last spoon on the table.
Betty says, "But you're out of spoons! You haven't even gotten to work yet!"
Ruby says, "Exactly."
The weather changed from this cold front to a warm front and I swear, I could hardly scrape my corpse out of bed at 1PM, when Mike came in and forced me up to eat. Today was what I refer to as a no-spooner.
It was truly awful. I finally got around to showering this afternoon at 3PM, when Mike informed me that Genny had invited kids over and they were playing with the hose in the yard. I told him to get a bowl full of ice going and to load it with Orange Crush and that I'd be out in a few.
I showered in slow motion, but managed to get out and get some grapes put together in a bowl and put them out the the porch. I watched kids and supervised, so they didn't break any bones from the porch, where I took a phone full of pictures. The kids went home and Genny showered and then, Mike and I convinced even Russell to join us and we all played a game of cards.
Then I crawled back to bed and just kind of collapsed there until dinner and my shoulders and neck began to ache.
After dinner, I had Genny come in and help me hang clothes because my head was all over clearing off my dresser, but my body thought I was smoking crack. I put them on hangers and she ran them to the closet. If I tell her I'm having a no spooner, she is pretty sweet about helping me out. Of course, initially, I got the lippy response of, "Want me to get you a spoon from the kitchen, Mom?" If I was feeling better, I'd have tossed a pillow at her, but I gave her a death glare and she said, "Nevermind!" and came in and got hangers.
People used to refer to fibromyalgia as rheumatism and I swear, if there's a weather shift, I can tell you. When we had tornados and heavy thunderstorms last summer, I swear it felt like someone took a sledgehammer to every part of my body. Today, I just felt like sludge in molasses.
My legs are sore and while, normally, I'd say I have no good reason for it, I know better. I got Mike to run the thunder massager on my back and the backs of my legs. We call it the thunder massager because it just thunders over your body. A Brookstone special, I got it for Mother's Day and if I need to loosen the muscles in my shoulders, I just need to wedge that under my shoulders for about 10 minutes and I melt into the bed. I took a hot shower after I received the thunder treatment and stretched, so now, while the sludge remains, at least the pain in my shoulders and neck has fled.
On days like today, I need a brain transplant on standby because I felt like I was using the same three brain cells and that they had run out of good ideas. I'm hoping that the weather holds and that I get more spoons tomorrow because my head is well nigh overflowing with the stuff I want to be able to get done. I just need my body to catch up a bit.
Two friends, Ruby and Betty are at a diner having coffee and waiting for their food to arrive.
Ruby is trying to explain to Betty what living with fibromyalgia is. (I've seen this used for lupus, too.) Ruby tells Betty, "Go grab all the spoons you can in the diner." Betty giggles at the game and snags all the spoons she can find off the surrounding tables and comes back to her vinyl seat with a fistful of spoons.
Ruby says, "Imagine that you wake up and you've only got 6 spoons. For each thing you have to do, you have to use a spoon." So Ruby counts out 6 spoons and gives them to Betty.
Betty says, "Well, I first I get ready for work." And Betty places a spoon on the table. Then she says, "Then I leave the house." And she places another spoon on the table. "I work and come home." She places a spoon on the table. "I make dinner." She places a spoon on the table. "I watch TV." She places a spoon on the table. "I get to bed." She places the last spoon on the table."
Ruby says, "Well, that's not quite how it works." Ruby collects the spoons.
"First, I have to wake up." Ruby places a spoon on the table.
"Then I have to actually get out of bed." Ruby places a second spoon the table.
"Then, I shower." Ruby places another spoon on the table.
"Then I have to get dressed." Ruby places another spoon on the table.
"Then I have to get out to the kitchen." Ruby places another spoon the table.
"Then I have to eat." Ruby places the last spoon on the table.
Betty says, "But you're out of spoons! You haven't even gotten to work yet!"
Ruby says, "Exactly."
The weather changed from this cold front to a warm front and I swear, I could hardly scrape my corpse out of bed at 1PM, when Mike came in and forced me up to eat. Today was what I refer to as a no-spooner.
It was truly awful. I finally got around to showering this afternoon at 3PM, when Mike informed me that Genny had invited kids over and they were playing with the hose in the yard. I told him to get a bowl full of ice going and to load it with Orange Crush and that I'd be out in a few.
I showered in slow motion, but managed to get out and get some grapes put together in a bowl and put them out the the porch. I watched kids and supervised, so they didn't break any bones from the porch, where I took a phone full of pictures. The kids went home and Genny showered and then, Mike and I convinced even Russell to join us and we all played a game of cards.
Then I crawled back to bed and just kind of collapsed there until dinner and my shoulders and neck began to ache.
After dinner, I had Genny come in and help me hang clothes because my head was all over clearing off my dresser, but my body thought I was smoking crack. I put them on hangers and she ran them to the closet. If I tell her I'm having a no spooner, she is pretty sweet about helping me out. Of course, initially, I got the lippy response of, "Want me to get you a spoon from the kitchen, Mom?" If I was feeling better, I'd have tossed a pillow at her, but I gave her a death glare and she said, "Nevermind!" and came in and got hangers.
People used to refer to fibromyalgia as rheumatism and I swear, if there's a weather shift, I can tell you. When we had tornados and heavy thunderstorms last summer, I swear it felt like someone took a sledgehammer to every part of my body. Today, I just felt like sludge in molasses.
My legs are sore and while, normally, I'd say I have no good reason for it, I know better. I got Mike to run the thunder massager on my back and the backs of my legs. We call it the thunder massager because it just thunders over your body. A Brookstone special, I got it for Mother's Day and if I need to loosen the muscles in my shoulders, I just need to wedge that under my shoulders for about 10 minutes and I melt into the bed. I took a hot shower after I received the thunder treatment and stretched, so now, while the sludge remains, at least the pain in my shoulders and neck has fled.
On days like today, I need a brain transplant on standby because I felt like I was using the same three brain cells and that they had run out of good ideas. I'm hoping that the weather holds and that I get more spoons tomorrow because my head is well nigh overflowing with the stuff I want to be able to get done. I just need my body to catch up a bit.
Friday, April 13, 2012
I had this enormous cup of coffee and no food, so went flying around the house for several hours high on my version of crack. While normally caffeine doesn't smack me so hard, I think that whole empty stomach thing
really contributed to my spazz fit.
During that time, I texted a lot of people. I messaged Mike about 20 times on YIM. I then took a shower and inflicited myself on my daughter. I buzzed all over town running errands and jabbering a million miles an hour and then, I drove her nuts at Walmart. As Mike joined us for our shopping trip, I was starting to come down off this bizarre caffeine fit and Genny thanked Mike for "saving" her.
Then I looked at her and I said, "Now, you know how we feel every day when we deal with you without meds."
She asked incredulously,"Really?"
"Yup!"
"I am so sorry."
Words you think you'll never hear from the mouth of an eleven year old.
I still have some coffee in the carafe. I'm thinking the bathroom needs to be cleaned because that damned laundry pile is annoying the shit out of me.
Who the hell needs crystal meth or crack? Load me up on coffee, hold the food. Now, if I could manage to get the physique of a meth head with caffeine I could melt that ass down and make some glue.
really contributed to my spazz fit.
During that time, I texted a lot of people. I messaged Mike about 20 times on YIM. I then took a shower and inflicited myself on my daughter. I buzzed all over town running errands and jabbering a million miles an hour and then, I drove her nuts at Walmart. As Mike joined us for our shopping trip, I was starting to come down off this bizarre caffeine fit and Genny thanked Mike for "saving" her.
Then I looked at her and I said, "Now, you know how we feel every day when we deal with you without meds."
She asked incredulously,"Really?"
"Yup!"
"I am so sorry."
Words you think you'll never hear from the mouth of an eleven year old.
I still have some coffee in the carafe. I'm thinking the bathroom needs to be cleaned because that damned laundry pile is annoying the shit out of me.
Who the hell needs crystal meth or crack? Load me up on coffee, hold the food. Now, if I could manage to get the physique of a meth head with caffeine I could melt that ass down and make some glue.
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD, for those of us who are bosom buddies with that bitch, is something that affects many people for a vast number of reasons.
I have it because I was abused. Most of that abuse occurred as an adult, but some of it occurred as a child, though spanking a child with a paddle back then, wasn't considered abuse. It sure felt like abuse, but more specifically, it transmitted a lack of self-esteem to me that I took with me to my adult life in a series of choices that it took a while to "grow out of." It also took nearly dying to finally say, "Fuck this shit. I deserve better."
While there are things I still flinch over like pulled hair, I also have nightmares and moments of genuine terror over things that for most people aren't a reason to have a panic attack.
Today, I was talking with a friend, who is struggling with ghosts of a life past, and realized that PTSD has terrorized so many of us -- man, woman, child.
For me, that brought up things I can't get past. Hair pulling for some reason is one of those. The other night, Mike was playing with my hair, which normally I love, and he pulled it a little and I cried out. My hair is getting long again, so I find when he's kissing me, half the time, I'm pulling my hair out from under an elbow and wincing. I think having my fibromyalgia so up in my face is leaching up these half-remembered memories, and most of the time I can observe, but sometimes, they go clanging through like the proverbial bull in a porcelain shop.
Sometimes, I find myself googling for where in the world is Zip. I've found him and seen where he's been jailed, not surprisingly. He's been married. He's had a child. He's gone deeper into his psychosis and sickness. Then, I am filled with horror that I didn't report him for all that he did to me and other women. I think I was so filled with horror that I couldn't run fast nor far enough away. When he went to Japan, I figured that he'd offend someone and end up dead.
No such luck.
I have it because I was abused. Most of that abuse occurred as an adult, but some of it occurred as a child, though spanking a child with a paddle back then, wasn't considered abuse. It sure felt like abuse, but more specifically, it transmitted a lack of self-esteem to me that I took with me to my adult life in a series of choices that it took a while to "grow out of." It also took nearly dying to finally say, "Fuck this shit. I deserve better."
While there are things I still flinch over like pulled hair, I also have nightmares and moments of genuine terror over things that for most people aren't a reason to have a panic attack.
Today, I was talking with a friend, who is struggling with ghosts of a life past, and realized that PTSD has terrorized so many of us -- man, woman, child.
For me, that brought up things I can't get past. Hair pulling for some reason is one of those. The other night, Mike was playing with my hair, which normally I love, and he pulled it a little and I cried out. My hair is getting long again, so I find when he's kissing me, half the time, I'm pulling my hair out from under an elbow and wincing. I think having my fibromyalgia so up in my face is leaching up these half-remembered memories, and most of the time I can observe, but sometimes, they go clanging through like the proverbial bull in a porcelain shop.
Sometimes, I find myself googling for where in the world is Zip. I've found him and seen where he's been jailed, not surprisingly. He's been married. He's had a child. He's gone deeper into his psychosis and sickness. Then, I am filled with horror that I didn't report him for all that he did to me and other women. I think I was so filled with horror that I couldn't run fast nor far enough away. When he went to Japan, I figured that he'd offend someone and end up dead.
No such luck.
Monday, March 26, 2012
So about three years has passed in Virginia and the company that Mike's at is pulling operations out of Virginia and have offered us the option to move to Tennessee. We like the education levels here, especially for our gifted and talented daughter and that whole idea kind of shrivels the teacher in me. I'm sure it'll be good, but I'm thinking Virginia sure looks better on the education lists than Tennessee.
While one of my oldest online friends lives there and I'm dying to go there and see her, I also have strong considerations regarding living in the heart of the Bible Belt, where the bible thumping and revivals can rival the rhythm of a drum circle in Davis. Where in Utah, there's a Mormon church on every corner, the Baptists have the street corners covered here.
I also think it defeats a lot of the reason for moving here initially. I wanted to be able to see my parents a lot more. Right now, I'm getting to see them twice a year at minimum. I like that a great deal. With my father's diagnosis of Parkinson's, getting to see them is something I look forward to each and every time. Despite the fact that my mother is a little prickly, I've gotten used to it in my old mellowing age and I'm good with it.
Living in Tennessee will take us pretty far out of their travel routes and while we can drive and meet them somewhere, it's still going to suck. I like being able to cook for my parents. It's one of my favorite things to do.
We're trying to set up to fly out to Tennesee this weekend. Russell can watch Genny and I'll cook spaghetti ahead for them, so they'll have dinner for a few nights. I've never been there. Nashville isn't my idea of a good time either, so I guess I'm going to have to crank up the Dixie Chicks and suck it up.
While one of my oldest online friends lives there and I'm dying to go there and see her, I also have strong considerations regarding living in the heart of the Bible Belt, where the bible thumping and revivals can rival the rhythm of a drum circle in Davis. Where in Utah, there's a Mormon church on every corner, the Baptists have the street corners covered here.
I also think it defeats a lot of the reason for moving here initially. I wanted to be able to see my parents a lot more. Right now, I'm getting to see them twice a year at minimum. I like that a great deal. With my father's diagnosis of Parkinson's, getting to see them is something I look forward to each and every time. Despite the fact that my mother is a little prickly, I've gotten used to it in my old mellowing age and I'm good with it.
Living in Tennessee will take us pretty far out of their travel routes and while we can drive and meet them somewhere, it's still going to suck. I like being able to cook for my parents. It's one of my favorite things to do.
We're trying to set up to fly out to Tennesee this weekend. Russell can watch Genny and I'll cook spaghetti ahead for them, so they'll have dinner for a few nights. I've never been there. Nashville isn't my idea of a good time either, so I guess I'm going to have to crank up the Dixie Chicks and suck it up.
Friday, March 23, 2012
Man, have I had it.
I live in a state now, that has mandatory ultrasound before someone can obtain an abortion. They also have counseling and all this other crap because apparently women are too stupid to make an educated choice.
No, I don't think that every pregnancy should result in an abortion, clearly. I have two kids. I just think that every pregnancy should be wanted. Children deserve to be wanted, loved, cherished, spoiled, and cared about.
I'm reading Jeff, One Lonely Guy, which contains a litany of lonely people who suffered abuse as children, among other things. I know that 20% of children in American have "hunger issues." My husband makes twice the average income for our area, but I've been to the food bank. We all know someone who was abused as a child. We all know someone who was molested. Numbers from the Centers on Child Abuse indicate that incidents of child abuse are increasing.
Yet attacks on abortion rights are also increasing.
It makes no sense to me at all to force women to have unwanted pregnancies. Yeah, that's a good idea. Suddenly, money is going to drop out of the air, groceries will magically appear in the fridge and the child will be clothed and fed and loved -- that isn't even happening before the kid is born. I can't imagine some divine magic wand is being waved. When I hear adoption, I simply want to puke. Are you kidding me? How many children of color are waiting adoption? How many special needs children are waiting adoption or are in foster care? I think that people who are willing to endure all of the risk and difficulties, most pregnancies are wrought with to give a child up for adoption are awesome, but I think that if a woman is going to go through the risk and physically daunting issues of pregnancy, that carrying a pregnancy to term should be what she chose to do.
Choosing something let's you own that decision. Choosing to continue a pregnancy means you're willing to contend with the outcome of that pregnancy -- the baby. That could be keeping and raising the child. That could be giving it up for adoption. However, I also think that an abortion has outcomes, too. I think that choosing to have an abortion means being willing to grieve for the child you're not having. I realize that not everyone gets pregnant at the drop of a hat and that they are often jealous of women like me who basically have to just bend over in a strong wind and when they stand up, they're pregnant.
I just think that women should be able to choose. Because they know what they're going to have to deal with -- the decreased ability to make money compared to a man, the cost of raising a child, the sadness at ending a pregnancy, the need to have adequate care for themselves and their pregnancy.
I think every pregnancy should have adequate pre-natal care. Every woman planning on carrying her pregnancy to term should have pre-natal vitamins. Every woman should have affordable regular ongoing care during her pregnancy and after her delivery and be able to afford it. My friend just had a premature infant who got necrotizing entercolitis -- basically, the baby had trouble figuring out food, so her little intestines started eating themselves. She was hospitalized for a month in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU). My friend can't afford to go to her doctor for after-birth care because of the cost. She falls just above the cutoffs for any help. I just had to buy groceries for her, so she could get by. She spent all her money paying the co-pays for her daughter to get care. The hospital bill for her daughter's care came in a box and was two inches thick.
I didn't plan my children. I have trouble with current methods of birth control. I wanted my children though. They are loved and they know it. They know they can come to us because they do come to us.
They are beautiful. I am blessed. Everyone should feel like that about their pregnancies. If they don't, they should have the right to utilize other options such as adoption or abortion and should be able to do so without being judged. Every person knows what they can and can't handle. Let God handle the judging.
I live in a state now, that has mandatory ultrasound before someone can obtain an abortion. They also have counseling and all this other crap because apparently women are too stupid to make an educated choice.
No, I don't think that every pregnancy should result in an abortion, clearly. I have two kids. I just think that every pregnancy should be wanted. Children deserve to be wanted, loved, cherished, spoiled, and cared about.
I'm reading Jeff, One Lonely Guy, which contains a litany of lonely people who suffered abuse as children, among other things. I know that 20% of children in American have "hunger issues." My husband makes twice the average income for our area, but I've been to the food bank. We all know someone who was abused as a child. We all know someone who was molested. Numbers from the Centers on Child Abuse indicate that incidents of child abuse are increasing.
Yet attacks on abortion rights are also increasing.
It makes no sense to me at all to force women to have unwanted pregnancies. Yeah, that's a good idea. Suddenly, money is going to drop out of the air, groceries will magically appear in the fridge and the child will be clothed and fed and loved -- that isn't even happening before the kid is born. I can't imagine some divine magic wand is being waved. When I hear adoption, I simply want to puke. Are you kidding me? How many children of color are waiting adoption? How many special needs children are waiting adoption or are in foster care? I think that people who are willing to endure all of the risk and difficulties, most pregnancies are wrought with to give a child up for adoption are awesome, but I think that if a woman is going to go through the risk and physically daunting issues of pregnancy, that carrying a pregnancy to term should be what she chose to do.
Choosing something let's you own that decision. Choosing to continue a pregnancy means you're willing to contend with the outcome of that pregnancy -- the baby. That could be keeping and raising the child. That could be giving it up for adoption. However, I also think that an abortion has outcomes, too. I think that choosing to have an abortion means being willing to grieve for the child you're not having. I realize that not everyone gets pregnant at the drop of a hat and that they are often jealous of women like me who basically have to just bend over in a strong wind and when they stand up, they're pregnant.
I just think that women should be able to choose. Because they know what they're going to have to deal with -- the decreased ability to make money compared to a man, the cost of raising a child, the sadness at ending a pregnancy, the need to have adequate care for themselves and their pregnancy.
I think every pregnancy should have adequate pre-natal care. Every woman planning on carrying her pregnancy to term should have pre-natal vitamins. Every woman should have affordable regular ongoing care during her pregnancy and after her delivery and be able to afford it. My friend just had a premature infant who got necrotizing entercolitis -- basically, the baby had trouble figuring out food, so her little intestines started eating themselves. She was hospitalized for a month in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU). My friend can't afford to go to her doctor for after-birth care because of the cost. She falls just above the cutoffs for any help. I just had to buy groceries for her, so she could get by. She spent all her money paying the co-pays for her daughter to get care. The hospital bill for her daughter's care came in a box and was two inches thick.
I didn't plan my children. I have trouble with current methods of birth control. I wanted my children though. They are loved and they know it. They know they can come to us because they do come to us.
They are beautiful. I am blessed. Everyone should feel like that about their pregnancies. If they don't, they should have the right to utilize other options such as adoption or abortion and should be able to do so without being judged. Every person knows what they can and can't handle. Let God handle the judging.
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
I am so angry right now, it's not even funny. I'm living in one of the handful of states that is considering some of the most vile and disgusting legislation to come about in a long while.
I'm writing letters to legislators:
My husband and I are proud parents of two children, R. (also a voter) and G., both of whom have special needs. You would think that would mean we are writing a pro-life letter, but we are not. We are very strongly pro-choice and the reason is that we think that every child should be a wanted child. My children have been wanted and loved. With nearly 20% of American children dealing with hunger issues, increasing rates of child abuse, and a world population burgeoning well beyond our global capacity to support it, I think that having wanted children is essential. Loved and wanted children don't typically grow up to be burdens on society. Abused and neglected children have different statistics.
I am writing to you to let you know that my husband and I are deeply saddened by the turn the State of Virginia has taken with the consideration of recent bills, specifically, HB 1, HB 62, HB 261 (incorporated into 462), SB 484, HB 1285, and HB 464.
HB1 is disturbing. Most states have fetal murder laws, which exclude abortions, such that any act of violence that intentionally kills a fetus (and by addition, usually the mother) is wrong. The idea of that law was to protect women against violence, as well as their wanted pregnancies and came about in the aftermath of specific heinous crimes of violence against pregnant women, where women were brutally murdered, often in an attempt to also kill their fetuses. HB1 is trying to ban abortion in its own way by defining a "person." I am writing to ask you to absolutely refuse to support HB1. If Virginia needs a law on fetal homocide, then craft one that specifically excludes abortions. Women should not be forced to carry a pregnancy, if they do not want one, but they should be protected against violence against them and their wanted pregnancy.
HB 62 is to repeal funding for abortions for low-income women in the instance that their child is going to be born with a gross and totally incapacitating physical deformity or mental deficiency. My son has cerebral palsy and has many of the accompanying health conditions. Suffice it to say, that we have teetered on the edge of bankruptcy for years trying to keep him alive and well, a burden we have carried willingly. A child should be wanted in any circumstance. Forcing someone who is already struggling to make it from day to day to have a child that will be a huge financial and emotional burden is unreasonable. Disabled children suffer enormously higher instances of abuse and neglect than almost any other population of children, according to the American Association of Pediatrics. (http://aappolicy.aappublications.org/cgi/content/full/pediatrics;108/2/508). Additionally, the financial costs to the State will be enormous at best to support a severely incapacitated child, especially, if that child ends up institutionalized. If a woman sizes up the situation and knows she can't handle a child who is incapacitated either physically or mentally, then trust them to make the choice that's best for them. Every child should be wanted and loved. Every child deserves that.
SB 484 and HB261/462 is simply disgusting and unethical. Any woman, who is considering an abortion in the State of Virginia already has to go through counseling that is to discourage them from having an abortion. Many of these "counseling" services show pretty graphic videos. I think, if after viewing one of those, someone still wants an abortion, then they probably have a particularly good reason to. Whether a woman needs an intra-vaginal procedure, where a wand is inserted into her vagina, should definitely NOT be a decision the State of Virginia should make, but should be left to qualified medical professionals! Forcing the insertion of anything into a woman's vagina is called, "rape." Requiring that a woman be forced to go through a medical procedure to further force the issue down her throat by essentially forcing her to see or hear the heartbeat of a fetus is just plain insulting. She's already getting counseling. I'm appalled that the Legislature of Virginia thinks it has the medical background to know and thus, require medical procedures and has singled out women for all of these sudden flashes of blanket medical knowledge.
HB 1285 "prohibits an abortion after 20 weeks gestation unless, in reasonable medical judgment, the mother has a condition that so complicates her medical condition as to necessitate the abortion to avert her death or to avert serious risk of substantial and irreversible physical impairment of a major bodily function." This seems to be completely unnecessary because 90% of all abortions are performed in the first trimester, i.e., the first 3 months of pregnancy and the remainder are typically only performed in those circumstances. This has the State trying to be involved in a process, which clearly should be up to the woman and her doctor. I think the language I find most upsetting here is this: "the physician is required to terminate the pregnancy in a manner that would provide the unborn child the best opportunity to survive." It's a felony if the doctor doesn't try to make the unborn fetus survive. What about the mother?!! The mother is alive and breathing! If the woman is having the abortion at this late date, it's because she's in some kind of danger, not because she doesn't want to have a baby. The way in which the procedure is done should be up to a medical professional and the woman -- NOT the State of Virginia!
HB464 reads along just fine until you get to the abortion language. Again, I think healthcare for women should not be dictated by law. The problem with disallowing coverage of abortion under healthcare in this manner, is that someone who constitutes the "working poor," who might be living check to check, and be paying for healthcare, as we all are, and may not be able to afford an abortion nor a child. Healthcare should cover all aspects of health and health risk. You risk children's lives by bringing unwanted children into this world! My mother worked in a law office and often spoke about having to listen to the despicable things people did to abuse their unwanted children. Please make sure every child in Virginia is a wanted child!
Every child should be wanted. Abortion is a awful choice, but it should be a choice left between a woman, her doctor, and God. I can not imagine that it is anyone's business what occurs in the vagina or uterus of any woman, other than herself, her doctor, and God. We teach our children that their private parts are theirs and are called "private" for a reason. Because they are private, they are expected to keep them private.
In summary, we expect private matters to be kept private. Let medical professionals make the medical decisions that are best for their patients. There are plenty of malpractice laws and lawyers. Additionally, we expect that every child in Virginia should be a wanted child. Children everywhere deserve to be wanted and loved. Virginia should be no exception.
Sincerely....
You bet I'm sincere. And now, 22 years after I protested in D.C. the last time about these same issues. We are here again, Marching on Washington.
This time, I get to bring my kids with me and hopefully, this time, stupid narrow-minded legislators will listen because I don't want to be doing this pushing 70.
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