Monday, September 30, 2002

I got home from class at 10PM Wednesday and I'd been letting the relish ferment most of the day in my sauerkraut crock. I started to get the sugars and spices and everything nices together and realized I was out of tumeric because the darned jar is brown and I hadn't actually OPENED it to verify that it was chalk full of tumeric. My kind, darling husband ran out to get me some with the promise that green tomato relish is the ambrosia of the Gods pushing him onward, so I held off on adding stuff til he got back about 11. At 11, I started adding stuff in. Mid-way through adding things, he says he's going to bed. I get kisses from him, I get jars sterilizing in pots, I get relish stuff going and I've got exhaustion crawling over me like a swarm of ants on honey.

I keep running back and forth to the computer in the next room to verify my ingredients and finally, I think I've got everything, so I start cooking it up. I cook and I cook and I boil and boil. I spoon, dollop, and I get all 15-20 quarts of the double batch canned. The whole time I am doing this, I think,"It just doesn't smell right." I tasted a little and it was awfully close, but it was missing something. So I'm lying there in bed, in a slightly befuddled state because it *is* 130 AM and I groan when I realize that I forgot the vinegar.

So Friday, I dumped it all back into my crock, added the vinegar and re-canned it all AGAIN.

And last night, we had some on chicken sausages and oh, my yum!




The only other thing that is going on is that last week, in an interview I had at Mike's company, I told the woman,"I don't know what I want to be when I grow up." And that phrase, while probably totally inappropriate in a job interview, has stuck with me all week. I really don't know what I want to do, but whatever it is that I have been doing is not working for me. I have the option, financially, to actually stop working for a bit and regroup. I am sending out resumes rather half-heartedly and I am following up with them and all that, but I just have the definite sense of uncertainty. I talked with Mike today and he told me as long as we have the money to pull it off, that I should do whatever I want. I want to be a housewife and stay-at-home mom for a little while. I want to try selling stuff on ebay. I am going to make some more relish this week. I want to buy some chickens and sell "farm fresh" eggs. I want to sew, go to class, exercise, work on my yard, etc. Mike asked if I'd get bored. I said,"Maybe, and if I do, I'll go get a job." I am also looking into the grant writing thing more and more. I think I can do this and make it fly. I just have to figure out how and actually do it. I have some time to experiment and explore, so I'm going to use it to my best advantage. I had a numerologist at the Whole Earth Festival do my numbers. She blanched when she saw where I'd been. She promised me a future where she could see me giving talks or communicating to large audiences for big bucks. I just hope she didn't mean deer.

And no, I don't have new pictures up yet. I will though and you'll be the FIRST to know.

Wednesday, September 25, 2002

I finally understood something in my VB class. I thought that that was amazingly lucky. I actually TAUGHT something to Mikey, programmer extraordinaire. Wow. I know.

Today will be a house cleaning and quilting day. I spent hours last night slaving to get all the cuts just so and then realized that they were supposed to be 8 7/8" squares, not 8 inches. Fortunately, I hadn't cut all of them out, I had just cut a couple to see what it would look like when done, but I was cursing myself for not actually reading the instructions. *sigh* So I finally got 4 of 6 squares cut for one row and then I have to go back and cut the rest for the top row. The problem now is that for the top row, I may be short some fabric, so I'll have to wing it a bit. I found this fabric that would make a really cool sunset and it does, but then I only left myself a bit, so I may just tier the color some and I washed fabric last night, so I could.

I know now why I prefer sewing and why I have never braved quilting. At least in sewing, if you miss cutting a seam perfectly straight, it doesn't matter. In quilting, you'll be ripping out stitches til you're dead if you don't do it right. I was off on one seam the slightest amount and I had to rip it out and sew it twice. I hardly ever rip in sewing, but I seem to do it a LOT in quilting.

And a little nervous, I told my mom that I'd lost my job. I'd figured she'd say something condescending, but she didn't and she offered to make Genny some cute dresses for the holidays. I've been all drooly for this one dress for her for Christmas that I saw at Walmart. I really would like to make her something cute for fall, too. You only get to dress them when they're young, so I'd like to do something cute like that. I've also been thinking about taking her in for the preschool pix at Russell's school next week or just to Walmart to get a professional sitting done. I guess I could just dress her up in one of the costumes she's going to wear for Halloween (we have every Disney princess gown known to man through size 6) because she'd look like a pretty princess and it'd make a good picture. I'd just like something "harvesty" til Christmas. If the damned fabric weren't so expensive, I'd do that in a heartbeat, though I do have a coupon to the local fabric store.

The big news of the day is that advent of creatures. Weather changes bring creatures. In the summer, when it got super hot, I suddenly had scorpions around. Now, that it's gotten cooler, there are other things creeping and crawling about. I finally decided I'd had it with the cereal - snack shelf of the pantry, so started reorganizing boxes and cleaning things up when a mouse jumped out of where I was rearranging and sprang down behind the fridge. I know I'm a big pussy, but I'm sorry, but when something small and fast comes flying at you, you are just going to jump back and screech a second. My husband came in, all worried shitless, and I giggled and said,"We have a mouse." I cleaned out that shelf, including accompanying mouse poop and pee and pretzel crumbs and shuddered periodically.

This morning, I told Russell that we have a mouse and he said,"Why didn't you catch it?" I explained to him that mice carry diseases and can bite you and as a result, I merely squealed like a stuck pig.

It made me miss Cowboy, the killer kitty, but I figure it's nothing that peanutbutter and mousetraps can't fix. Ruby's going down to the feed store and purchasin' herself some mousetraps. I figure if I stick one behind the fridge where it ran and one way behind some cans on the bottom shelf, I'll have a dead mouse in no time. And then I'm going to make my husband take the dead mouse and toss it in the trash, because admittedly, while I love my tiny rodent bunny wabbit, I'm grossed out and freaked out about a dead mouse in a trap.

Speaking of Cowboy, we've had a lot of coyotes lately down in the valley here, and I notice there are not many bunnies around any more. The coyotes howl and yip all around us at night sometimes. It's rather unnerving because sometimes a distant coyote sounds like the baby waking up in her sleep and crying. I run halfway down the hall sometimes to listen outside her door and then hear the familiar yipping out in the sagebrush. There've been a few times where I'm pretty sure they've been on our lot and Kittygirl has scratched furiously at the door to be let in her crate because Mike hadn't gotten her in yet. I notice she's on the patio every night, like a good kitty, now. I miss her brother. He had such a big soft head and he liked to be pet by my whole hand over the top of his head because his cheeks were right by my fingers where he could get a good scritching on both sides at once. He had a lusciously soft white thick-furred belly that he'd let me rub gently. When that cat wanted to be pet, it was a wonderful treat. I miss him terribly sometimes.

Coffee Cup is a decidedly sweet animal and I think he'll fit in fine around here. He's been learning to use a litter box, so I'm hoping we'll be able to let him in some, come winter. Kittygirl has stuck her paw in his cage a bit, I think in a jealous rage, but has decided to let the bunny live, after being shooed off a few times.

Live and let live seems appropriate now.


Tuesday, September 24, 2002

I had an interview today at Mike's company in his department. I don't know how it went mostly because I was worrying about how I answered the various questions. I finally went the honest route, which probably makes me the dumbest person on earth, but one of the biggest reasons I want the job I ended up applying for was because I'd get to work near Mike and see him more. And that's what he wants, too. So that's what I told them. Yes, I realize that it's beneath my current skill level, but it'd be in the same building as my best buddy, so amazingly enough, I'd be OK with that. And what they didn't pay me, I would get back in carpool savings, I'd guess.

I probably blew the interview, but it's all learning curve, I tell ya.

I'm in my VB class and just learned while a "select case" statement is a hundred times better than "if then" and I felt like a big stupid buffoon for not getting it sooner.

Pfft.

Sunday, September 22, 2002

I'm grieving and relieved and happy, all at once. It's kind of odd to be so ambivalent. My emotions feel like a chameleon that can't make up its mind -- vivid, changing, and self-protective. I had the first half of the grant writing class yesterday and it was more like this unexpectant spiritual journey. I've been missing church and this was a lot like that. It's based on some of the work by Jean Houston and I found it enlightening. When I say enlightening, I mean it in the sense of lighting within. I had my soul come up and pirouette like the prettiest ballerina. I came to two truths for myself.

The first is that I've had this long-standing dream of having a small organic farm. I live in the desert and the soil isn't conducive to farming particularly. I've seen a few farmers with alfalfa fields, but little else other than cattle. I've been thinking that if I could somehow make the organic farm and my desire to bring a food coop here, that I'd be bringing the best of both worlds together. I am thinking I might write a grant to that end, but I had another idea.

The whole reason I ever started publishing on the internet is that I got pregnant right after I got diagnosed with diabetes and I was scared shitless. What was worse is that everything I read about diabetes and pregnancy was along the gloom and doom variety and I was terrified, which is a bad thing to be when you're pregnant. Even when it's a normal pregnancy, stress is not a good thing. I figured if I wrote about my experience, that I'd be not only letting off some steam, but I'd give this beautiful resource to other pregnant diabetic women.

The thing is that it's buried on a web page that if you do a search on diabetes and pregnancy does not even bring up my page. I do notice that there is one woman on the entire web whose been quasi journaling her pregnancy as a diabetic, but she doesn't do a day by day look at it. In fact, most of the stuff a search on google brings back with diabetes, pregnancy, and journal are medical journal articles or March of Dimes articles citing how totally high-risk, scary and generally terrifying being a pregnant diabetic can be.

I guess I wrote because I wanted to show myself I could do it and because I wanted to give away that I could do it. And now, I'm thinking I need to take that journal and convert it to something more substantial.

So I'm in this 'tween precipice. I've got time, now, I'm unemployed. So I'm praying on it and rereading my journal from that time.

Saturday, September 21, 2002

Just remember you heard it here first.

I walked in this morning, had an email from my boss asking me to come to his office before our 830 meeting. I went to review my other email and had him intercom me and ask me to come down there.

As I came down the hall, I saw him walk into a personnel person's office and then say something like he'd be there in a minute.

He said something like "we're letting you go because we can't keep you busy enough" and then told me I'd be walked down to my desk to retrieve a few things and turn in my key. I actually got him to admit that he didn't/wouldn't train me and then he said,"I really need someone who can pick this up in an ad hoc manner." I know people who have worked there for several years in a technical capacity who do not know the system at all, so it's not me. If I'd even been pointed at some documentation, I'd have been thrilled to pieces.

The severance they're offering is abysmal -- one week of pay. I not only gave up several interviews, potentially lost two jobs because I had this one, but I also gave up my web class that I really wanted and am taking the torturous VB class instead because my boss requested it.

This job has cost phenomenal amounts of money and time and one week of severance isn't going to cover it. In addition, they want me to sign a separation agreement, which to me means that they are really aware that they fucked me over.

I'm consulting an attorney to see if I can get a better severance package. I think this one sucks.




On the good news front, we've got a new bunny. I was going to name him Serenity, but he's the color of coffee and is small enough to fit in a mug, so his name has been officially changed to Coffee Cup.

CC is about as sweet and mellow a bunny as you'd find about anywhere and is perfectly content to sit wedged between my boobs as most of my babies (Angie and Cowboy, Russell and Genny) have. He's getting comfortable enough at times to put his nose in the air and twitch it, and is generally content to be pet a lot. He doesn't make me sneeze or wheeze, so that's a plus.

Now, if I could just get my stomach to settle down and quiet my head enough to sleep, I'd be all set. This 3AM shit, sucks, although I did find my brother-in-law online -- a fellow insomniac this morning.

And I've got an all day class tomorrow.

Friday, September 20, 2002

My boss told me when we reviewed the documentation for what I'm doing that he saw "no value added". Nevermind, that everything I do is so that they can bill their clients and get paid, but I think that's the end. It's his way of saying that I am not doing a valuable job and thus, I am expendable, which is exactly how he's been treating me for two weeks. He's also been looking for ways to cut costs and being that no one has trained me particularly in the system and that I have little knowledge of it as a result, I'm very vulnerable. Of course, I've been saying I"ve been needing training from the get-go, but to no avail.

And this boss has been a total prick to me, intentionally excluding me from email on what's going on in our department, making disparaging remarks to the effect of "what exactly do YOU do?", and then yesterday, I got asked the death knell question,"What are your hours?" I haven't been perfectly keeping to my hours, but I also have worked several hours from home on my sick days, but charged the day off to my time, not theirs. I know on Tuesday, I had a sick day, but I worked 4-5 hours from home. I expected to charge that to my time, but now, I'm having second thoughts.

I checked with unemployment and essentially, unless I get laid off, I won't be eligible for unemployment unless I go through an "adjudication process," which means that they could hold my unemployment for 4-6 weeks while I work it out with them. I know my doctor would probably be willing to step up to bat for me, but waiting 4-6 weeks to get paid would suck a lot, although, once I did get paid, I'd get it all at once. I think if it goes to adjudication, that I can easily say that I didn't receive training and that over the course of five bosses in 4.5 months, my job has endured a great deal of change and upheaval, so that what I was hired for is no longer even in the picture. I'm praying that God gives me what I need to get through, regardless of what happens.

I know we can get through financially. We won't be golden, but we'll be okay. I may sign up for all of those programs with credit cards, so that if you lose your job, you don't have to pay anything for a bit, in order to cover our butts for a while. That won't work for the car payment and Mike's student loan, but it'll cover most everything else. I figure if I can cut our cost by not needing daycare for a few weeks, and do things like dry laundry outside, we'll get by. The only one who needs clothing right now is Genny and I can make her pants. I have a lot of corderoy and prints and I can make her poofy pants to play in. I've got a couple dresses and simple pattern and a buttload of fabric, so we'll get by. I have a lot of little shirts for her and while there's not much of the long-sleeved variety, I can probably scrounge money to get her a few things at one of the "marts." Thankfully, we don't have to buy her diapers any more, and she has a couple of jackets and sweat shirts. I can also make her a few knit type shirts with minimal patterning.

The cool thing is that most of the money in two paychecks was going to pay credit cards down, so we simply won't have that and it'll be ok. We'll just still be in debt, which while status quo is better than most of the alternatives.

I guess I should go back to bed for an hour, though I'm hungry and my stomach is topsy turvy with stress. On the plus side, stress is more likely to put me into a high sugar burn.



I'm going to go check in with the "professional network" thing here locally and see if I can get some help. I'm calling the State of California Unemployment folks, too, to verify process. Overall, this sucks, but I can save a lot of money in daycare if necessary and I may be employed next week through Mike's company, too, and all this worrying in the wee hours will be rather moot.

Thursday, September 19, 2002

I hate my job.

A lot.

I'm going to see if my doctor will put in writing that I need a different job and then if he will, I am going to quit and file for unemployment. We can live on that and Mike's income, plus our contract money if we have to.

The contract starts this coming week, so it'll be all good.

Wednesday, September 18, 2002

I stayed home yesterday. My asthma's been bothering me, but I also had a lot of programming to do and while I didn't get it completely finished, I nearly had it done. Then I got everything working as it should and I realized that the instructions were asking me to program it in a particularly awkward way. It meant a lot of variable setting and boolean setting and icky icky geeky things that would make mere mortals cry in their diet pepsi twist. I didn't do it. I sent an email to my instructor asking if the instruction was a mistake. In the process of reviewing the instructions, I realized I didn't set up my pop up window. Then I said a small curse under my breath for web programmers and their pop up windows.

Nonetheless, I am behind in my homework. It's been hard getting back into the swing of things.

Though yesterday exemplified things not working. I'd told Mike a month ago to verify that appointments I'd set up for him would work so he could get to each and have enough time. He was supposed to pick up Russell at school at 315. I was supposed to leave the house at 330. At 320, he calls me from his dr.'s appointment to ask about scheduling getting his wisdom teeth removed, and I (stupidly) assumed that because he had the cell phone he was calling me on the cell phone until he asked someone in the background a question, at which point, I look at the clock, panic and ask him about Russell at school waiting for him. Furious, I hang up the phone to call the school and get a phone call as I am looking up their number asking me who's to pick up my son?

I end up picking him up at a tween place because our usual sitter grabbed him and called me and we worked out a place between the house and school. I realize, I am not making it to class on time and feel angry and unsupported.

This was exactly why I was afraid to go to school. I was afraid that if I did it, Mike would do shit just like this and I'd miss classes and assignments and the like. I took Russell a half hour in the opposite direction to go to his orthodontist appointment that Mike was supposed to take him to and missed my class, which I desperately needed to go to. I was so angry last night, that after I took Bear to the orthodontist (it's going to cost $2500!!!- whine!) I went to a store and walked around, just so I didn't have to go home right away. I had planned to get something specific there anyhow, so it seemed normal to Russell, but I was livid. When I got home, I went and sat in the bathroom for a long time. I didn't want to just come in the house and start screeching.

At dinner, I just laid into Mike about how angry I was. He kept trying to do the "I didn't know" thing, but I reminded him of the email I sent specifically asking him to make sure...to check with the doctors and change the appointments if he needed to. He kind of slouched and tried every conceivable way to worm out of,"I screwed up and I'm sorry" that there is. He finally said he was sorry, but continued to try to tell me how it was my fault at which point Genny started tossing food and we hurled her in the tub and scurried little Miss Exhausted to bed. What was worse, is that later, when we talked about it again, he said that I should have started my homework earlier. I explained that I didn't care about my homework being late...I'm there to learn and if it gets turned in late and I still learn it, then I'm good. I care that I missed the class that I worked 55 hour weeks for 5 weeks to pay for. I care that I missed what is probably significant learning that you can't just get from the book. Because I am struggling with the damned assignment, it's obvious the week I missed to barfing.

I think ONCE in his whole academic career he had to miss a class because of a family emergency, but I carefully scheduled everything. Once in three years is pretty damned good. I made him get up and go to morning classes, that he normally would have slept through and missed. I taught him how to study so that he could pass said classes. I supported him financially so he could get through. All I'm asking for is something in return, i.e., I want to attend the classes I paid for.




And in my pain of readmission to school, I've discovered I can't cut a straight line to save my ass. Quilting is a big pain in my ass and I am seriously thinking about the second class because I am truly awful at quilting. I was going to do all this square sewing and cutting, but I am so dismally bad at it, that I am thinking I will wait until I get to class and get help because I suck. I was going to make this big ambitious quilt for our bed. However, in light of my obvious lack of skills and patience, I will make a small sample quilt to show just how bad I am and I will stick with the small size quilts until I don't think I suck any more. I'm sure there are people wanting baby quilts, even cockeyed quilts, so I can just put those together, slap some padding on the back, and then I can sew up the sides with blanket ribbon and not feel too horrible, inept, or perpetually guilty.

And tomorrow, I will be in the thigh pain zone because I will be playing volleyball tonight, which makes me huff and puff and use my legs a lot. I don't mind the huffing, puffing, sweating part, but the leg usage pain thing is always the next day or two. I figure I can go swim on Friday.

Monday, September 16, 2002

I am so braindead sometimes. I left my damned VB book at home, so I can't quiz myself on the questions at the end of the chapters over lunch like I planned. I actually did work on programming last night. I got the GUI (graphical user interface) pretty done so all the textboxes, graphics and formatting is done, but of course, there's no programming behind it. I'm going to have to work on that tonight. Mike's work is slow, so he's blowing off work at 12 and going home to get my book and then joining me for lunch.

I love that man.

Oh, and oddly enough, I say I should documenting my job and low and behold, my boss sent me an email saying I should document my job and meet with him to review it. He's actually going to get on our system and use it. I find it amazing. Wonders will never cease.

I am hoping I will be out of here before I have to implement squat though. We'll see what God brings.

And I know it's bad, but my friend, Sue said she might be coming state side from Hawaii and I feel bad she's bummed, but mostly, I got all selfish and excited at the prospect of her being a bit closer. I've got her box and two others at home waiting to be mailed to their expectant recipients. I need to make a special run to a special store to get her something and I have yet to get there with my crazy schedule. You have to understand that I am working on Ruby Time in that her birthday was September 1.

*sigh*

At least we didn't have to go to the in-laws.

Sunday, September 15, 2002

Mike and I did a lot of stuff on Friday, and finally, as we are drifting off to sleep, he says,"Oh, by the way, Jim (his boss) said that they are putting the candidate they had for the job on hold until they can interview you." Nonetheless, I've spent most of the weekend obsessing about that. Pitiful, I know, but it would be a much better job for me, so I've been thinking about what skills and talents I should be emphasizing for this mythical interview. I also have been thinking I should go ahead and start documenting wildly, so that if I do leave, I'll leave a trail of documentation behind me as to what I do for a job. Although, I seem to do everything, so standardizing a job description would be rather difficult.

This weekend was kind of disappointing. I'd thought I was getting a birthday shindig from my husband on Saturday. At 430PM as he was sleeping on the couch, I realized that I was SOL. In a bit of a pity party/hissyfit, I went to 7-11 to get a soda and got $5 and played deuces wild. Then I pulled 4 deuces and walked out with $100. I went home and grumbled at Mike. I told him I understood he was tired, but that I felt hurt because this was supposed to be my birthday thing. He apologized and then we went to Chevy's on my winnings. I had una margarita, por favor, and then we dragged two children at a late hour of evening through the drama that is Walmart. Genny kept reaching down and yanking the flowers off the mums I was trying to buy. Russell whined his ass off. A miserable time was had by all.

Tonight, he made up for yesterday by making my favorite dinner and a big weird sad triple layer German Chocolate Cake. I injected some insulin to get away with eating the thing and yum, yum. That's all I'm saying. I've been offered sex all day, but I'm supposed to be doing homework. I got half of my quilting squares cut out. The fabric for the other half is waiting expectantly. *sigh* Still have my programming homework to do, but I haven't gotten that far either. I've at least perused the chapters I'm supposed to be working in and made a lame attempt at answering the end of the chapter questions. Mike said,"If I blew off homework like this when I was in school, you'd have kicked my ass!" I said,"I know and I'm not you."

I'm thinking I'm going to be sick tomorrow or Tuesday.

Friday, September 13, 2002

So, yesterday, after the doctor's appointment, I went to my friend, L's house. I told her what the doctor told me and burst into tears and hugged her. She hauled me to the 7-11 with her, us talking the whole time about how my job sucks and how I need something better. I was supposed to go back to work, but I guess I was feeling like there wasn't much to look forward to, so I blew that off and we hung out.

And she showed me the baby bunnies. Her bunnies are handled so much that I picked one up and held it in my hand and pet it the whole time we were talking and it simply sat in my hand and let me. I wasn't sure if it was just tolerating me or what, but when I tried to put it back in the cage, it didn't want to get out of my hand. So next week, when he's old enough to leave his mommy, I'm going to have a bunny. His name is Serenity because I need that in my life. I'm going to go to the feed store in the next town and get good wire to line the now empty cat cage and get a bunny bottle and some bunny food. I'm sure Angiekitty is going to blow a jealousy fit, because I can hold him without my throat closing up, and I'm hoping to kittybox train him so I can have him in the house. Crazy, I know.

There's too much going on right now. I'm so terribly busy and overwhelmed. I am going to put my balance back in though. I'm praying that God helps us make the money work, so I can be healthy.

Thursday, September 12, 2002

My doctor said that I have to change jobs or I'll have my feet removed in 10 years and be in a wheelchair. He said I need a job that lets me take care of myself. I gave my resume to my husband to give to his boss for a technical writing job in his department. His department is big, so I wouldn't be sitting right next to him or anything, if I got the job, so we'd have some space. He said his boss was really happy when he was reading over my resume.

Yesterday, the VP sent my husband a thank you basket of cookie flowers. What are cookie flowers? Cookies shaped like flowers and frosted to look like smileyface flowers. The center one said "thank you." My husband doesn't think that means anything. I think it means he can ask for a hefty raise and a promotion. I also think it means that they can offer his wife a job.

Even if I were unemployed for a bit, we could get by on the contract money we'll have coming in, so there's that, too.

Wednesday, September 11, 2002

The high point of my day was as I was leaving the house, Mike was sitting down and he said,"Bye, honey. Happy Birthday." I said,"Thanks! Bye." Then I turned around and saw him and realize he's the reason my birthdays have been happy for many years and will be happy for many years to come, so I ran back to him and kissed him. He's the reason I can get through Nine Eleven.

I've been crying most of my birthday. I changed the radio station from the usual annoying one I listen to in order to hear the memorial services on NPR. When I got in the car, I'd forgot and left the radio on and so I just drove to work with tears streaming down my face.

I'm sure you asked yourself, "Why does she listen to an annoying radio station?" Truthfully, they are so awful that I get up and shut them off and then once I'm up, I get into the shower. The woman has this stupid bimbo giggle and one of the guys is the single stupidest man on earth. The other guy has only a few IQ points more than that, so between them, I think they share a brain the size of a walnut. I know it's not the size that counts, and in this case, the adage of quality not quantity does have a certain eerie ring to it. That radio station could really work on the quality.

Speaking of rings, I still can't get out of my head that bell ringing and bullhorning in New York. Back east, almost every church and school building has a bell in it. Usually, bells or horns are sounded for important things. We usually rang the bell in the church for Memorial Day. Bells rang for Easter. The horns sounded for fires. Today is all of those things.



Tuesday, September 10, 2002

I'm taking a VB class and I was really excited about it, but last week when I had class I was performing one of many sacraments to the porcelain Goddess and had to blow off class. So now, I've got two assignments due -- one overdue -- in the course of a week and buttloads of reading to do and of course, the damned book I ordered online, isn't here. I swear I thought I would save myself all kinds of money by getting a used book through Amazon, and now, 10 days after he mailed it, I'm still waiting for the damned thing to show up. Of course, knowing how my post office works, I will never get a notice that the book arrived and will merely have to arrive and harry the post person until the thing shows up.

In the interim, I'm bartering with my husband for study time at the library. It's kind of like asking Mom and Dad for the car when you're a teenager. It's that humbling.

And I've got my quilting class, which I can already tell I hate. I hate being told what colors I have to use. I personally hold a deeply entrenched aversion to the color red and while I have found one red fabric that doesn't make me want to run screaming from the room, finding the other red fabric to supplement the other 6 colors has been a complete and total bitch. I've spent hours pondering the outcome of my bed quilt. I don't want something average and bland. I don't want some cute freaking calico to go with the rest of my stuff and heaven forfend if I get anything red with stars. I've picked fabric themes, colors, with the particularness only a virgo could muster.

I know that my current frustration with the idea of the quilting class harkens back to the hell that was junior high home ec sewing where, despite the fact that I'd sewn a few things before I arrived, I had to use some kind of marking wheel and carbon paper and precisely sew over each line, which I failed to do miserably and which was pointed out to me in front of as many of my peers as possible my Nazi Home Ec teacher. Up til that point, I'd had Barbies adorned in some gorgeous fashion.

I didn't sew again until I went to college and wanted cool clothes and realized that I actually had it in me to sew. Not only did I have it in me, but I wanted to sew. I made some gorgeous clothes. In fact, I designed patterns for my son and did a beautiful job of it. I even made him a backpack once because I was too broke to buy him one, but I had the fabric and thread to make one, so I did. His preschool teachers who'd demanded said backpack were impressed blind by my skills. It was astounding to me that people could be so impressed after Ms. Nazi HomeEc.

Anyway, I'm back to VB, kids. Piecing code and quilts...school should be interesting.

Sunday, September 08, 2002

It's officially fall here. Mostly I know this because we had a light frost the other night and I am thinking about how I can gather my corn stalks and make corn shocks out of them that to me are so symbolic of the fall and the harvest. I have already found my fall decorations, put up a few Halloween things and I'm probably going to go find someone who will give me a few bales of hay to prop up a scarecrow in a few weeks.

I'm in full harvest mood, too. I picked all my wax beans and I've got so many I'm going to have to parboil some of them and drop them in ziplocs, so I can keep them for winter. I waited too long to put my tomatoes in and only have a few that are actually red and ripe and with the frost already starting up, I got my mother to send me her green tomato relish recipe. I'm figuring it looks like it makes two gallons of the stuff, so I'll be able to convert that to Christmas gifts.

My mother's green tomato relish is to die for, so you are someone very very super incredibly special to get that as a gift from me.

This is the first weekend we didn't go anywhere special in months. We didn't drive 3 hours to see Mike's grandparents. We didn't go to his company picnic. We didn't do anything except go have cheap breakfast at a nearby casino. While we were there, Mike and I took turns playing slots and I won $5 on deuces wild poker. Then I took that $5 and let Russell pick 10 Keno numbers and we won $11 (clearing $6) doing that. Then we were driving around downtown and found places we'd never seen before and somewhere in there we came across a bowling alley. So we went bowling.

Bowling seems like one of the last vestigial remnants of a happier time in American history. There's something quasi-creepy and simultaneously reassuring about a bowling alley. Walking by a store that has fancy bowling bags and shoes, past video games that are at least 10 year passe, and that stale scent of cigarettes, beer, and disappointment reek of historical significance. Mostly, though, it seems like a trip down Memory Lane as I remember the high school boyfriends I've had and the groping we did before and after the bowling alley date, and the times we told our parents we'd gone bowling when in actuality we were exploring how much sex we could have without changing my virginity.

I have a magnet on my fridge that says,"You can't have my virginity, but you can play with the box it came in."

Today, I got a respectable 122, however, it should be noted that I got two strikes by bouncing the ball off the bumpers. The last frame, I managed to find a ball that weighed 13lbs instead of 15 and I got a spare and a strike, the old-fashioned way. My husband, who did not break 100, was eternally thankful it took me 9 frames to find that ball. The kids had a total blast. Genny, adorned in pigtails and a lavendar sweatsuit, was quite the "roll-the-ball-from-between-your-knees" bowler, though Mom and Dad often gave the ball an extra push. Russell kind of heaved the ball. I kept expecting it was going to hop lanes, but it spun its way thru many pin setups, so he did pretty well, too.

Other than that, I'm experimenting with having a cooking weekend. I've got the meals planned out for the week and I've already cooked one big one. I've got the setups planned for two more tonight, but I am thinking we'll have leftovers on Friday because there's a lot of food. I already bought and shopped for the food for the week. It's nice because nothing will be wasted and it'll all be something we can walk in the door and toss in the nuker. Realistically, it's hyper-organized I realize, but it feels really good. And last night, I made a low-sugar blueberry crisp.

Okay, you can run screaming from the room now.

Friday, September 06, 2002

The Friday Five

  1. What is your biggest pet peeve? Why? People who are shitty to you and haven't told you what you did to piss them off, so that you EVEN have the option to apologize. I had someone do this to me and then that person was absolutely shocked to discover that I thought she was a complete jerk for doing so. It demonstrated a fundamental lack of honesty in presentation. I hate it when people aren't straight with me. After I had demonstrated my feelings about that person, I had a joint acquaintance basically warn me away from that demonstration, explaining said person was a few bricks short of a load. I had to back down off it because I didn't trust the stability of the person. Then I felt like I was doing just what I hated, but I felt it was better to just let it be by that time than to confront the brick-light person and cause harm to them. I feel like I should have a Redneck Rubyism like: " No use pissin' off a shakin' rattlesnake."


  2. What irritating habits do you have? I snore, but my husband isn't irritated by it. I grind my teeth, too.


  3. Have you tried to change the irritating habits or just let them be? My snoring, I got checked for, but it's not apnea, I just snore. He snores, too, so we probably are subconciously competing for loudness. I know my husband is very proud of loud horrible sounding farts and only a little embarrassed about the SBD's (silent but deadly's). I have a nightguard for my teeth, aka, "The Mouth" and I try to pray before I sleep and keep my mouth relaxed, so I don't grind as much.


  4. What grosses you out more than anything else? Why? Puke. I have a super strong sense of smell and puke just about kills me every time. I can handle snot, phlegm, blood, scabs, ear wax, and pee and poo. Puke is just nasty.


  5. What one thing can you never see yourself doing that other people do? Anything to do with suddenly drops in height (i.e., falling a distance). I nearly broke my own arms in fear on the restraints at Great America because I got on one of those rides that takes you very very high and then suddenly drops you. I'm terrified to bungee jump, parachute. I have rappelled, but that is something you have much more control of. Honestly, I think it comes from this recurring nightmare I used to have as a child where I fell from something very high and woke up just before I hit. I think a lot of people have that, but I had it all the freakin' time as a child, right up til I left home. Which of course, may say more about my childhood than we'd all previously feared.

Um, stomach flu at my house. Since last Friday evening...for a week. Does that explain my week? The oodles of laundry, catching up, paying bills, and general mayhem almost seem like a lame little sparkler to the fireworks that were.

I now am the proud owner of another staph infection over my eye. I'm also inhaling antibiotics for said item.

Mostly, I guess I wanted to whine about my birthday.

I'm feeling really sad. I feel like I should make an all white cake with all white frosting and have a small chocolate part of cake and frosting set aside for nine one one. I have a birthday twin at my job, so maybe I should make two.

My husband asked what I wanted for my birthday and honestly, all I want is the things I have.

I think I have a really good excuse not to get older than 38, too. I'm not having any more birthdays. I just can't handle celebrating my birthday right now. I feel too sad. I think about all those people and the people they left behind and I think about what I have and they don't and I can't celebrate in the face of that. They will never share a sunset with their loved ones. I got to see a phenomenal one last night with both kids.

I have a great husband, two beautiful kids, and I have my breath leaving and entering my body over and over again each minute and right now, that's all I want.