I'm grieving and relieved and happy, all at once. It's kind of odd to be so ambivalent. My emotions feel like a chameleon that can't make up its mind -- vivid, changing, and self-protective. I had the first half of the grant writing class yesterday and it was more like this unexpectant spiritual journey. I've been missing church and this was a lot like that. It's based on some of the work by Jean Houston and I found it enlightening. When I say enlightening, I mean it in the sense of lighting within. I had my soul come up and pirouette like the prettiest ballerina. I came to two truths for myself.

The first is that I've had this long-standing dream of having a small organic farm. I live in the desert and the soil isn't conducive to farming particularly. I've seen a few farmers with alfalfa fields, but little else other than cattle. I've been thinking that if I could somehow make the organic farm and my desire to bring a food coop here, that I'd be bringing the best of both worlds together. I am thinking I might write a grant to that end, but I had another idea.

The whole reason I ever started publishing on the internet is that I got pregnant right after I got diagnosed with diabetes and I was scared shitless. What was worse is that everything I read about diabetes and pregnancy was along the gloom and doom variety and I was terrified, which is a bad thing to be when you're pregnant. Even when it's a normal pregnancy, stress is not a good thing. I figured if I wrote about my experience, that I'd be not only letting off some steam, but I'd give this beautiful resource to other pregnant diabetic women.

The thing is that it's buried on a web page that if you do a search on diabetes and pregnancy does not even bring up my page. I do notice that there is one woman on the entire web whose been quasi journaling her pregnancy as a diabetic, but she doesn't do a day by day look at it. In fact, most of the stuff a search on google brings back with diabetes, pregnancy, and journal are medical journal articles or March of Dimes articles citing how totally high-risk, scary and generally terrifying being a pregnant diabetic can be.

I guess I wrote because I wanted to show myself I could do it and because I wanted to give away that I could do it. And now, I'm thinking I need to take that journal and convert it to something more substantial.

So I'm in this 'tween precipice. I've got time, now, I'm unemployed. So I'm praying on it and rereading my journal from that time.