My doctor told me today that yes, the gastric bypass surgery was an option, but that because we were there discussing it, that he felt like he had failed as my doctor. I told him, that I felt like that, too, and that it had been a particularly rugged year for me because of the apnea and thyroid and I really felt overwhelmed and dreadful. Not to mention the depression.

I'm going to see a nutritionist and get some support there. I'm also going to talk to the bariatric doctor to see what he has to say. I just am feeling really disappointed and frustrated. Both my doctor and I are concerned about my iron issues, but I think I'm going to spend some time thinking this over.

I'm going to go to the pool and see what I can do. Maybe I can only backstroke with my arms, but I figure it'd be better than nothing at all. I also had a heart-to-heart with Mike and I think he's going to start taking Yoga on Fridays at work. My yoga teacher said to keep doing the yoga exercises and that that would help me and to drink a lot of water because I'll be exercising things that haven't been exercised in a long time and releasing toxins in the process that I will need to flush out of my body.

I've been praying and thinking about how I eat very carefully. The only weak place that I think I have in my food is that when I eat out, often I end up stuck with some pretty dismal choices. When I see the nutritionist, I'm going to ask for alternatives, so I can figure something out. I think part of the problem is that I've been pretty out of it with the apnea, so I make poor choices with my cloudy sleep-deprived head. With a week of good sleep under my belt, I'm getting more hopeful, but my doctor said to set clear goals and work to meet them.

So my goal is to lose 5-10 lbs by May 7. I'm going to see how it goes and how well I meet the goal to determine what my goal will be for the month after and ongoing.

I am going to work my arms at the gym or pool 2-3 days per week, do my yoga daily, drink 6-8 glasses of water per day, eat carefully and find alternatives to eating out, where possible, and work to get enough sleep.

Today, I ate icky breakfast (McDonald's at Russell's request -gah) and lunch(hot dog with a diet soda at Costco) out because I was on the go, but tonight, I had my lovely tofu stirfry with wild rice. I pigged out on vegetables, baby. Asparagus, green beans, broccoli, carrots, sprouts, snow peas, and tofu. YUM! Mike has helped me plan for breakfast tomorrow -- because I don't have to be anywhere, I'm eating my lowfat cottage cheese and fruit. I'll have crackers and hummus and snowpeas for snack. I have turkey taco stuff with nonfat sour cream, so prolly will do that for lunch. For snack, I'm thinking baby carrots dipped in salsa with a little more hummus. Dinner, I'm going to have to check out the fridge to see what I have in the way of meats because Sarah is coming over for dinner.

I'm going to give myself some time to work on this again and think about the surgery. I will be praying hard that God will show me his will in this matter and help me to make a good choice regardless.

And my knee ? It's clicking more than a bic pen in a 5 year old's hand. Not that I'd know anything about that pen thing...