Well, the MRI indicates that the cartilage in my knee where I had cartilage removed when I was about 15 is nearly gone. There's some on the knee bones and it's about gone, so that horrible noise I hear from time to time is my bones rubbing on each other. The MRI tech said that they're going to tell me to lose weight.

I'm talking to my doctor about a gastric bypass tomorrow. Because even if everything went perfectly and I exercised all the time and ate perfectly and I never got sick once, it would still take a year and a half to lose the weight that I need to lose, if I were losing 10lbs a month. Being that I get sick regularly and that each time I use prednisone, I gain 5-10lbs., I am not thinking that my outlook is good. And knowing fully well, that I. Am. Not. Perfect. And that my life is rarely perfect, I think that it would be idealistic to assume that I could just pull this one out.

I feel like by considering the gastric bypass, in some ways, that I'm just plain giving up. I don't want to give up, but I also don't want a knee replacement or to die from diabetic complications at some later date. I think that I cannot lose weight fast enough to get healthy and that I am currently in a vicious cycle that I cannot get out of, nor win.

I'm not going to stop eating healthily. I'm not going to stop getting exercise in, but at this point, I am strictly limited to swimming/aquacize until the weight comes off -- one way or the other.

My knee is horribly swollen and while the 800mg of ibuprofen are helping, I don't want to live like that either.

I've already spoken to my mom and Mel. My mom said they'd probably take the kids for the 6 weeks of recovery that I need and Mel said that I could stay with her because Mike's going to be putting in serious overtime this summer.

I have to find out what the insurance requirements are and if I can do this over the summer around the kids' school schedules.

I feel like I've sold my soul. Mel doesn't get it. She doesn't understand that I don't hate myself for being fat, but that I just want to be healthy and that I just live like that. She's always astounded at how many vegetables I eat and all the whole grain foods around, etc. She worries that I won't be able to handle the smaller portions, but I think it'll be okay. I've made many lifestyle changes -- I eat much less red meat than anyone I know and have really good cholesterol and triglyceride levels. My last diabetes test was nearly normal and my blood pressure is low-normal. But the apnea and thyroid issues have certainly taken a metabolic toll on my body -- added to being over 40 and I've slowed down a bit.

I'm just going to talk to the doctor tomorrow and discuss it. We'll see.