Scorpions are creepy little nasty creatures that make me go mad with horror even if they are behind 6 inches of glass, in a locked cage within a locked trapdoor for educational purposes at the zoo. They're simply the ickiest creatures known to humanity in my opinion and if they were easy to squish without making that crackly crunchy noise that big cockroaches do and having to worry about that stupid curly stinger thingy-mabob, I'd stomp them all to DEATH with big laced up the front steel-toed shitkickers.

When the Orkinman, God Bless Him, came to kill all the black widows, he left a note on the invoice that said he'd found a *shudder* scorpion under our house. Said scorpion was probably eating the fucking black widows, but EWWWWW.

Apparently, the scorpions are having a hard time with all the heat. It's been hovering around 100 degrees here for a week or so and over the weekend, I saw two of them. We have Northern Scorpions whose sting has been equated to a bad bee sting, but I am allergic to bees and I get bad reactions to bug bites. I am scared shitless I'd go into anaphalactic shock if I got stung by one. Mike says I'd probably just have a heart attack. (Shaddup!)

The first one was crawling up the screen on the front window. It was night and we had the porch light on, so Mike thinks he was attracted to the light. I was not attracted to him, however, and I sent my big strong husband to find bug killing chemicals in the garage so we could kill him. We knocked him off the screen, and sprayed the hell out of him with the pyrethrin spray and then covered him with a glass jar, so he'd have to sit on the front porch and die.

My husband in a fit of overzealous scorpio-cide went out the next morning and took the shovel to it, cutting it into tiny pieces which he then tossed into the sagebrush before the Genny-meister got up, got curious, and got hurt. Why he didn't just scrape the thing up and drop it in the trash, I don't know. He's a man. You ask him.

The second one was one of those Kodak moments. I was sitting on the porcelain throne and noticed the bath mat was crooked, so I decided to straighten it out with my toes. As I did so, this little scorpion zipped out and looked at me all pissed off. Mind you the little fuckers can't really see well, but I am SURE it was looking at me and worrying about the size of my feet. My feet of course were now suspended 6 inches in the air and my sudden scream had alerted my husband. "MIIIIKE! COME HERE NOW! SCORPION!"

He came and I instructed him to get a glass to put over it until we could find the pyrethrin stuff. Of course, he doesn't get one of the expendible spaghetti jars with lids. No, dammit, he gets one of the $5 beer steins.

Did my husband put the beer stein over the top of the 1.5 inch scorpion immediately while I sat with my feet in the air, terrified for my life? No, my big wuss of a husband sat on the bed putting his shoes on, as I sat nearly falling into the toilet (except for the fact that I have a big fat ass and that's not possible). Of course, by this time, I'd convinced myself that there was an entire family of scorpions circling under the toilet seat ready to sting my big fat butt, but I was also heavily concerned about the one I *could* see.

Finally, my husband put the beer stein over it and I put my feet down and ran to the bed. Of course, I had shaken the sheets to check for another nest of scorpions and I asked my husband to hand me a pair of socks and to get me a pair of shoes. When he brought me my shoes, I knocked them both to make sure the scorpions they harbored hit the floor where I could squish them!

Then I went to Walmart with every intention of buying the industrial strength scorpion killing stuff of which dreams are made. I studiously read each label to determine which thing would actually kill scorpions and found a stronger version of pyrethrin to use and brought that home along with the stuff you can hook up to your hose.

While I was gone, Mike picked up every bit of clothing on the floor, shook it out, and then hung everything up. Our room has never looked so clean, I tell ya. We both discussed the possible ways the little varmit got into our room and freaked out and shuddered at the possibilities. We shut all the heater ducts, ya know, just in case. We couldn't shut the windows because it was hotter than Hades in our room, so we just left the bathroom window open, which is probably the one the sneaky little thing came in through, though, I can't see how. The only other thing we could figure is that I brought one of Genny's dolls out of a box in the garage and we wondered if it had been stuck in the doll's clothing or something and then scurried and hid in the bathroom. That thought totally sent me over the edge.

To kill Scorpion #2, I took a piece of construction paper and put it under the beer stein and its captive. Then I sprayed a big bunch of spray on one half of the paper and just used the beer stein to move the critter onto the affected paper, where it twitched and took its sweet time dying. After it stopped responding the the stein moving, we dropped it into a bottle and sprayed it again and capped the bottle and tossed it in the trash.

I called the Orkinman at 8AM and told them I needed them yesterday. They made me pay my bill (early dammit) and will be coming out tomorrow.

Today, I will be going home, mowing my lawn and then spraying a perimeter defense to keep those little curly tailed vermin out of my house until the Orkinman can kill the little mofos dead dead DEAD!