The lawyer thing was scary.

I guess what I came to understand is that I've been living under the shadow of the fear that this abusive SOB will show back up in my and my son's life. It's terrifying and I've been carrying that burden for a long time.

We went ahead with it -- completely legal and above board at Mike and Bear's request. I would have preferred to go to a different lawyer, lie my ass off, and protect my child, but the guys said no. What they did in that small gesture was relieve me of carrying that burden alone, which has had me fighting tears all day. I've always been the strong one and always carried this by myself. I don't have to any more. I don't know why it sends streams of tears down my face, but it does.

I'm absolutely terrified that this fucking slimeball will show up after we post the abandonment stuff in the paper. I know the odds are slim, but my heart fears for my darling son. I also know that after 12 and a half years of not being there, that I totally have the upper hand, legally, but it doesn't stop the nagging worrying. He's my first baby and I've had to protect him for so long that I guess I am used to that role and that maybe it's hard to surrender to the possibility that we'll both be free from an abuser's memory and really and truly get to move on. I guess I'm also trying to protect my heart against the possibility of him showing up.

I'm guessing that I'll be contacting my doctor and asking for a sleeping pill for a while. I'm a freaking wreck. Bear is the best damned kid a mom could ever ask for and I'd die, if this asshole showed up and threw a monkeywrench into his life. I'd still feel like his victim, too, and that makes me deeply sad.