My husband just experienced his 29th birthday for the first time. He now sits teetering on the edge of 30.

Ah, those were the days! The lucky little poo!

I did a lot of stuff today and I'm so tired, but he enjoyed dinner and he enjoyed the presents and he enjoyed having dinner with friends.

He did not enjoy that his mom and brothers called him in the middle of his meal and that after three calls, the whole lasagna was cold. He did enjoy his lemon cake and vanilla ice cream.

He also enjoyed the coupons I gave him for various "favors." He redeemed one tonight. *winkawinka*

I had coupons redeemable for oral satisfaction, lovin', doesn't have to get out of bed for me, gets out of some onerous chore, blows off dishes, and requests for a nooner or quicky. He said several times how much he liked my coupons. I stole the idea from Mel.

He was so cute. He kind of snuck into the kitchen acting all cool, and then just handed me a coupon. I tore it in half and put it in the trash. He said,"I don't get to keep them?" I said,"No, of course not! They are redeemable once."

Tomorrow, the only thing I have to do for anyone is drive Russell to school, so he can finish his math homework in the morning because he helped me out so much tonight, prepping for Mike's party. I know it's the Star Wars movie, but I'm not keen on sitting in a crowded theater to see it. Mike's getting a screening through his job, so he'll fill me in on if I should wait or not.

--

We took Bear to his psychiatrist today and basically, she said that because I am so wiped out, dealing with all the stuff that's not working at school, that she thinks he needs to be in special ed classes. I asked her to write her recommendations and cc a copy to the school. She also said that we could increase the frequency of his meds. Halle-freakin- lu-YUH!

Putting Bear into special ed is disappointing to me. I know Bear was disappointed, too. I told him that I had tried very hard to keep his life as normal as possible up til now, but that I was at the breaking point. However, I also said that special ed would mean a lot less homework. He said,"As long as I get to do my math." So my work will be cut out for me at the IEP.

I basically said to Bear,"I know that you've been trying very hard and I know that you are very smart, but I can't spend the next 7 years making sure that you not only got your assignment, got it home from school, did it, printed it out, and then put it back into your folder and then actually turned it in. I want to have my own life a little." I was realizing, I haven't sewn or quilted or really done anything I really like in a long time. I've read a few times, but even that's not fun at the moment.

I admitted to Bear, the doctor, and Mike, that when the doctors decided at the surgery that they were going to keep me overnight, that I viewed it as a vacation. I was disappointed to have to come home. The psychiatrist, Mike, Russell, and I decided that that was kind of sad. I even admitted that I was actually looking forward to being in the hospital for the tonsillectomy. Mike said,"No wonder you've wanted all these little vacations!" Willingness to endure terrible pain and isolation to avoid going home can't be good.

I also said that because I want a life, I don't want to homeschool him. I said,"You know how much I like working with kids and even with you, but I really want to go back to school and do that for a living. It makes me so happy and I think I can help a lot of kids -- not just you. I want to help you, too, but I want to do more than that, too."

It makes me want to cry, just to think about it. It sure explains the depression, huh?

I talked about things with Sarah tonight. Next week, at the IEP, I am going to make a formal request that Bear be evaluated for expressive language processing and sequencing problems. He's having a terrible time sometimes, expressing himself verbally and in written form -- and for a guy that's such a good reader, you would expect that he'd be more capable. I think he needs a language therapist to help him. I also think that if we can more directly address his processing issues, that he'd do better overall. I also think that he'd benefit seriously from having a resource room to go to, in order to get his work done and not have to do all this damned homework every freaking night from the moment he walks in until he goes to bed. I want him to actually have a life. I'd like him to be able to go to chess club and group yoga because we have the time and he'd enjoy it.

Neither of us are going to last through this staying the same next year. If he failed school, it'd kill him and his brokenheart would kill me. He's got such high expectations for himself, that I don't think that kid would come out of it unscathed. I want him to feel successful and to try to keep things as normal as we can. I want him to be happy, well-adjusted, and smiley. I'd like him to be able to do extracurricular activities, and actually have the time to do them!

I'm also going to talk to his teachers tomorrow and ask them to please help him through the rest of the year and let them know that I'm going to give up on the mainstream thing and let him go resource room.

I feel so sad and inadequate. I also feel relieved, however. I think once I have a sense of what he's walking into at junior high school that the sadness and inadequacy may change. Right now, I'm feeling a great deal of trepidation about the whole thing. I also feel like I failed Russell by not having him do resource room this year. I know I didn't, but it's how I feel. On the other hand, it was a good test to not put him in resource room. We became clear how much he needs it and what exactly he needs to get from it.

I know that ultimately, whatever happens has to be what works for him and still gives him the education he wants and the future he wants.

As I told a friend,"I just don't want him living here when he's 30!" Lord knows he doesn't want that either.