I had a second sleep study last night and I should know more later today, but in the interim, I'm so viciously depressed.

I feel so worthless because I'm so wiped out all the time. I forget to do things -- yesterday, I went to the store to buy the fixings for meatballs to include meat, parsley, bread crumbs, and cheese, and I remembered the parsley. I had to send Mike to get the stuff I forgot. But this is how it is all the time.

With all this lack of sleep, my emotional boundaries are gone. I feel positively senile and rambling and retarded. I couldn't believe I couldn't find the car the other night, when I went out with Sarah and Mel. They laughed, but I was trying not to bawl uncontrollably.

I don't work not because I don't want to but because I really can't hold a job right now. I want to fix my incompletes, but I don't think I could begin to handle what I'd have to do to deal with it. I'm so embarrased and horrified at my body and my lack of brains and my complete inability to function day-to-day.

My legs hurt all the time because anything I do physically basically means I get no recovery from sleep. In the sleep study, I had a hard time sleeping because they were spasming because I haven't had a decent night's sleep in several weeks now.

I'm terrified to drive anywhere because I keep remembering the statistic that people with sleep apnea are 11 times more likely to have a car wreck. I'm terrified to put my kids in the car with me. If I go shopping, I usually have to make several trips because I forget everything and I'm too confused to write a list down because I can't remember what I need until I've walked past it three times.

The house is a mess; I haven't been able to do laundry because it's more than I can tolerate to try to pull heavy wet stuff out of the washer to put it in the dryer. It sounds so stupid and lazy to say that, but it's what's going on. I have to gather strength to do laundry because my muscles are sore and tired all the time and it seems so very far away to walk out to the garage to do it, which sounds insane, but it's where I'm at.

I can't even take care of my own daughter right now and I'm so embarrassed. Half the time, I drop her in front of cartoons and try to sleep. I wanted to be the one to teach her how to read and do math. And I want to read to her, but I can barely handle reading for some reason right now and I don't know why. I know my concentration is completely gone. And it seems weird because every so often I'll say the right thing, and then it feels like a random event that I have no control over -- like it didn't happen because of anything smart or self-possessed I might have thought.

I want desperately to be able to offer Russell the option to homeschool him and I'm so messed up I can't.

And then I worry about everything -- like weirdly and possessedly. I worry at night and I break into tears for no apparent reason like today. The worst thing is that I have been worrying about dying. First, I was worried Mike would wake up to a corpse and then I worry about the children and what would happen. Then I worry about driving, and then I was so sad because I haven't thought of killing myself in a long time, but I feel so worthless right now that occasionally, it seems like a really good idea. Yesterday, I was worrying about Mel because she drinks like the bottle has not bottom and my alcoholic grandmother used to do that and it just upset me incoherently and it shouldn't have, but it did.

Last night, the sleep study said that the pressure was way too high, so they fixed it for me. They also say my restless leg syndrome, which is something that can also cause lots of awakenings has gotten worse, not better. I see the doctor next week.

The scariest thing was the note from the tech on the forms -- she worries that I have arythmia. Cardiac disease is the thing that all diabetics dread -- myself included.

The really cool thing though, is that now, I might actually get some sleep, and tomorrow is another day.