Russell has always had an odd gait, trouble with fine motor control, speech problems, and coordination issues. He's also always had low muscle tone.

When he was 2.5, his special education preschool program suggested he might have Cerebral Palsy. I took him to the pediatrician; the pediatrician dismissed this. Of course, a few years later, when the school suggested that he might have ADHD, the pediatrician dismissed that, too. Because I was on an HMO, and I needed the pediatrician's referral, I couldn't just go to a neurologist, I had to have his referral. Because his office was the most reputable pediatrician's office around, I couldn't just change to another doctor in the practice because there was a good chance they'd turn me down. Not to mention, that because I was always out of sick and vacation time caring for a constantly ill child, I didn't have that much time to pursue this and I was usually just trying to contend with the latest ear infection or illness, while holding a full-time job and single momming.

When the psychiatrist suggested we should take him to a neurologist because of his gait and some tics, she had mentioned Tourette's Syndrome and Cerebral Palsy. Then several other people mentioned things about his gait.

Last night, a physical therapist from Russell's school had conducted an evaluation. When asked her opinion, she said that she thought he has mild cerebral palsy. She also said that her testing put him at about a 5 or 6 year old level of balance/coordination. I was stunned. I guess I shouldn't have been, but I was.

I started looking up everything I could find on cerebral palsy on the net. Mike did, too. At lunch, we quietly compared notes. We both think he has it, too, and always has. He has the things I mentioned above, he also had a hell of time and still does sometimes with eating and often choked or couldn't eat normally.

Tomorrow, he sees the neurologist. It doesn't change how sad and worried we both are about him and the urgency with which we want testing to commence. It doesn't change the years he could have been getting the therapy which would make him nearly normal and the IEP he would have been guaranteed.

But it could change his future, and that's what I am hanging onto tenaciously.