I think I might be brewing a strong cup of depression -- not sleeping and not interested in sex are good indicators of that. And the sex is totally unrelated to Mike. I just don't care. Even if I get to caring, the strength of my response is pretty luke warm. And to get me to care, Mike has to do cartwheels, which hardly seems fair to him. It's also not fair to me because I have to sort of force a reaction, kind of like you would if you walked into a surprise party that you already knew about.

Part of it, I realize, is that I haven't been working out much in the past week or so and LaDawn has asked to put our exercising activities on hold until January. I asked Mike if he would mind dealing with kids alone three days a week, so I could get to the pool and work out. He said yeah, but I know it's going to suck for all concerned. He's such a grumpy bear in the mornings and the kids are a handful, even with both of us there, but if I don't do this, I'm going to feel like shit and my sugars will go to shit. I can already tell I've put on some extra belly in the past couple weeks, so this is not good.

But the sex is something else. I don't know if I should be rabidly reading a Cosmo for cool ways to spice up my love life or just running to my nearest mental health professional.

I called Bruno, as he helped us with Russell. I know I've been feeling really overwhelmed and ambivalent about being a stay-at-home mom and even about working, so I need some help sorting this stuff out. I'm sure that insecurity I'm feeling about what I want to be when I grow up is playing a role in this, too, but I'm not feeling okay and I don't know why.

I have been really contending with my age lately and that's been difficult for some reason, too. I've also not been to church since Easter, which I miss terribly. I just feel full of regrets and grief lately and I am not sure where it's all coming from.