Well, after my trip to the orthopedist, I'm still losing weight. I don't think I've lost much total, but I've lost some. I know in the hospital, I lost quite a bit and I've lost 9lbs since March 28, which was 10 days after that, so I think overall, I've lost about 15-20lbs.

The doctor says that I'm making great progress. He says I'm not the only one to be frustrated -- that many of his patients say that, but that he really understood how hard it was as young as I am and with kids and house responsibilities. He also mentioned how frustrating the constant pain could be. I told him, I'd just like to be able to work and I'd like to be able to be up and around without my knee exploding into a whole new size. I told him the only way I could stop my knee from swelling like a balloon was to do little for 2 days. He said,"Well, i don't want you to do that." I said, "Me either!"

He nodded in sympathy then asked how my pain management was going. I told him that I try not to take anything during the day and generally, take a bit of something at night.

The physical pain has been so constant for so long that in an odd way I'm accustomed to it. It's the emotional pain that I am not used to. It makes me sad and angry to have to fight to do day-to-day stuff. I feel frustrated -- like punch the snot out of one of those stupid Bozo the clown bop dolls. I feel like stomping about and screaming and rending clothes frustrated. And I'm always always trying to control that and balance it against how much I love my family and kids.

For the most part, I'm pretty good about giving them fair warning. Like,"Do that again and you mom is going to lose her mind." My kids have seen me lose my shit and have decided it's not pretty and they do not want to be on the receiving end of it, so usually back off. Hubby is less well-trained, thinking he's funny to make smartass remarks designed to push me over the edge.

Ultimately, though the new antidepressant is keeping me organized, it's not keeping me from dissolving into a puddle at every happy or sad thing that enters my radar. I cry myself through TV shows, driving home, writing emails to my son's special ed teacher, and I don't know why. I keep thinking it will get better, but it has not and I feel like my heart is broken for no apparent reason.

I feel like I'm in a constant state of breakup with myself and all I want to do is cry and cry and cry some more.

And while I'm going through all this stuff, I've got a friend who I've come to think is just plain mentally ill.

I've done a lot to include her -- invited her to holidays and meals, but she accused me of stealing the dog and then accused me of violating her confidence because she thought I'd called the church where she is getting confirmed and asked when she was getting confirmed. And I guess, even if I had done that, how is it a violation of confidence to call a church and say,"Hey, you holding confirmations this weekend?" So she flipped out, called it "our" disagreement and then never apologized for being a total asshole, when she discovered how far off base she'd been.

Suffice it to say, I have little interest in such a person sucking my energy away from me and am just planning on putting as much distance between me and her as possible without sending her over the edge because at this point, I'm not clear about her mental stability. I don't want to deal with another flip out of this nature and I don't think I need to.