It's been one of those years. I start to say days, then realize it's been months, and really, it's been at least a year or two.

So today, I get my wheelchair delivered. I remove the arms off it, so I can easily reach the wheels. I am just starting to get it wheeled out the door and the phone rings.

It's the ob/gyn doc. The sinking feeling in my stomach makes me nauseous. We'd said that if the results were bad that she should just call me. I've been checking the mail each day, hopeful that I wouldn't get the call, but a nice little postcard telling me that everything was normal.

She asked how I was doing. I said,"Not well, especially if you're calling me." She laughs and says:"Yeah, I told Donna (nurse) yesterday afternoon that I didn't want to call you and that it was just going to be hard." I said,"I'm sorry that it's not good news." She says,"Yeah, I woke up last night at 2AM thinking about it." I say,"Wow, don't worry me like that!" She laughs. I say,"So how bad is it?"

It's severe dysplasia again. Again! Maybe we missed something. Screw the LEEP, we're talking cone biopsy or hysterectomy? What a choice! I need to be knocked out. She can't do the cone biopsy, but her partner can. I trust her, so I trust him. That'll be ok.

How soon can I do the culposcopy? Tomorrow at 8AM. She needs to get her Christmas stuff done -- because she's not usually in the office.

If the cone biopsy doesn't get it, I get a hysterectomy.

I'm scared and sad and frustrated.

LaDawn and I talked. I said that I feel like God is testing me and I'm just trying to listen to what he wants from me.

So God, I was wondering, could I please pass already or flunk out and move on?