Today we got our septic tank pumped out. I kind of feel like I've hit some plateau of homeowner meets redneck to get my septic tank pumped. I don't know why -- it's a necessary evil and all, but damn.

My knee is awful. It's unadulterated agony, but I am doing lots of stuff as my last hurrah because I know in 3 days, I'll be starting something new and wonderful. So I'm icing the crap out of it, using the wheelchair to go out, and actually going out to do laundry and stuff because I know I'm nearing the end and I just don't give a shit.

I think after a year, that I am somewhat accustomed to the pain. Mike was massaging the back of my calf and hamstrings today and I was just weeping. I don't even know why particularly -- he wasn't hurting me in a bad way, it was just as if there was so much pain stored up in my body and he was releasing it by touching me. My calf below my knee is tight and hard like a rock -- it's had to be the bone in my leg, and without a working knee, it can't do it's job of controlling my foot fall and keeping my knee from hyper extending, it's simply had to hold my leg still, so I don't feel the familiar pain and crunching of bone on bone as I walk.

There was a chicken pox scare -- my son's dearest friend's sister had it, despite an immunization and at the same time, the friend had a bad flu. I was terrified that somehow I was going to get exposed to that before I went to the hospital because Russell hangs out with this kid all the time. I've been pounding vitamins and iron in an effort to fend off any bugs and to bring my iron levels up before a 2 hour surgery that sometimes requires blood transfusions.

I'm taking bariatric vitamins, so I absorb it better.

I'm tired, but happy. I saw Pink Panther with the kids today. There's nothing so wonderful as a 5 or a 12 year old busting up at Steve Martin's slapstick comedy. Nothing. It was like beautiful music heard for the first time. I feel like I'm savoring these kinds of things in advance of not being able to for a while.

We printed Genny a calendar, so she could remember when my surgery was. I highlighted the time I will be in the hospital on her calendar. She keeps asking when my surgery is and we've told her 20 times, but she's obviously worrying about it. I don't want her to worry, so the calendar makes it real for her. Russell is cuddling with me -- something he never does, so I know he's worrying, too. I feel sad that I can't put them at ease any more than I have. We've reassured them and made a big stink to that end, but Russell, in particular, is so close to me and he knows my every mood and feeling. There's no hiding my fear from him and he forces Genny to behave because he knows I'm scared and it's his way of letting me know they'll be ok. But Genny knows what it means, too, so she frets and cuddles, too.

I know that them leaving me at the hospital will put me into tears and that them arriving will be slaking an unending thirst. I'm eating them up in delicious little bites this weekend and savoring the flavor of them, so that it might carry me through the week and weeks ahead.

They are so beautiful.