Last night, in the tiny hours of morning, Mike and I were talking about some aspects of my past. They were the kind of things I haven't withheld, but that you don't necessarily tell the man you're dating.

I used to have these times in my life when I was very very promiscuous. Those were the times that were loneliest at the end of my 2 year stint as a professional slut. I didn't have many friends other than those I knew from work, but men who I could have sex with were easy to find. I was pretty and knew a lot about how to pleasure a man physically, but more importantly, I knew a lot about how to manage their psyche.

I was telling Mike about some of the transition, after I'd quit the business and gotten a real job as a delivery driver in the Bay Area. I'd had the job a month and my parents snatched me back east because they wanted to save me. Only, I didn't need saving of the physical variety. I needed saving of the spiritual variety. I couldn't get to my church easily without a car and the Catholic church, while similar to the Episcopal church, wasn't my church, and they weren't helping, as they were sure I was manic depressive, versus just plain depressed.

I joined a volleyball group at the YMCA, where I met a guy named Bill. Bill saved my life. At some point, when my parents finally harrassed me into trying lithium for a few months, Bill said,"Look, you need to get off this stuff. You aren't you on this shit. And all the things your parents are saying about you just aren't true." He started running down the list and showing me how wrong they were. And I fought back. I went off the lithium with his support and I realized he was right and that he knew and loved me better than anyone, including me. After a couple years, my college degree, and a couple of boyfriends, I found a better therapist who switched me onto wellbutrin, knowing that I had ADHD, but because of the diagnostic labels was not able to give me that diagnosis. I stayed on that stuff for 1.5 years and then just stopped taking it (under his direction). I had figured out how to grow up.

I still struggle with the viewpoint that things that aren't fucked will be soon -- I think of it as my Eeyore attitude. But I know who I am now and God and I are on loving and speaking terms. And I really am married to my best friend, but I've dated a bunch of dear friends on the way here.

Bill, if I never said thanks, I should have. Your love and knowledge of me saved my spirit and my life. Thanks for teaching me about pure love!