I have been sleeping badly.

At first, I couldn't begin to figure out why. I just had this vague sense of being bothered by something but being too tired and too busy to figure out what.

Essentially, I'm worrying.

Last time, I had the bad cervical stuff, I had kind of a bruised sore thing going on inside that I could feel in my belly. I feel like that now.

I have to wait the two weeks until the pap results come back, and that will be this week.

I know I had a bladder infection, so I have been treating that, and maybe everthing is just plain sore from that and once the antibiotics have finished wreaking havoc with my gastrointestinal system, my malaise will clear. I've been eating a cup of yogurt daily to try to restore intestinal flora and I smeared plain yogurt on tacos at dinner for good measure.

I guess I'm just contending with a general sense of personal unease. I've been thinking a lot about death lately. Not like, how I can plan my own demise or anything, but rather, how much I'd miss my children and my husband because I don't feel right for lack of a better word. I've been thinking about what things I could teach my family before I die, so they'll be ok, if I'm not here. And then I tell myself I'm being overly dramatic and to knock it off. Then, worry about the test results some more.

Yeah, my birthday is coming and I've been thinking how this year I really feel 43 going on 73. I was playing an online game and someone said something about riding a man like a pony. My first thought was,"I wonder if I'll ever be able to do that again?" And I cried.

Today, I got my family to clean the yard, as a birthday gift to me. Then I showed Mike the little patio for stargazing that I had been trying to explain to him months. I set up all the chair, the bench, and the tables. I invited him to watch stars with me. The dog and cat both sat in Mike's lap politely ignoring each other and relishing being the most loved feline/canine on his lap. We identified Orion and said how it'd be nice if the moon wasn't so full.

I explained where I wanted to expand the patio and how I thought we could construct it better. Mike actually understood what I meant and we talked about how much we thought we could do tomorrow.

Now, it's 5am. I'm still fretting, but I'm hanging on to that promise of tomorrow. Somehow, the stargazing patio, with bushes that will grow around it in a few years, made me realize how much I'm hoping that God will let me be here.

I woke Mike up and told him I loved him and he pet the tears away.