My day was pretty laid back. We were trying to see if the old Cannondale bike wagon was salvagable, but we're going to end up buying a new one. We went to a bike shop and dorked around there and I think I'm going to buy a bike, too. I have a wonderful road bike, but it's not really a good fit for me with my short arms, big belly and for under $300, I could get a nice bike that is a good fit. If we buy the wagon, I can stick Shortbread in the back and bike. I looked at one of those piggyback bikes for her, but I have to keep remembering -- she looks 6, but she's only 4, so I think I'll wait until she's older for that. Because I'm buying a Burleigh, the resale is very high, so I'll just take care of it for a couple years, and then sell it and buy the piggyback bike for Ms. Thing.

Beyond that, I'm seriously contemplating putting Ms. Thing at LaDawn's this summer for a couple hours in the morning and maybe all Wednesday and Thursday afternoons, so I can do fundraising for Gorden's charity. I can't get anything done with Ms. Thing -- she's a whirling dervish of destruction and she's lonely for other kids, so I was thinking that I might put her in childcare a few hours daily and go workout and also work. If I put her at LaDawn's that will be cheaper than the place she's been and I can send her back to her old place in the fall. I need to talk to LaDawn to see what times will work for her, but I'm determined to be working out and getting in shape, and I'd like to work.

And I got to thinking today. Okay, it was obsessing wildy about my big fat ass.

I am sick to DEATH of listening to how skinny Donna and Melody are after their gastric bypass surgeries. I want to smack them both, frankly. I keep feeling frantic, like I should have that surgery immediately, but I know it's about as dangerous as staying fat with my diabetes and the risk of complications. I get infections at the slightest provocation and my diabetes will get a lot better with weight loss, but I'd have to lose the weight before that happened, which with the right infection might not happen because like...I'D BE DEAD!

I am just going to do everything I can to get exercise in and go for it. Fuck the surgery and fuck being skinny. I just want to be healthy.

I guess shopping at Mervyn's for dressing up clothes didn't help my self view on my weight. I was thinking in the mirror how low my belly is hanging these days...I didn't realize how bad I look compared to my recent past, even. I could barely fit in the 2x sizes in pants, and the boobage made for 3x in tops because while they were a little big, I wasn't popping buttons. I did get some cute clothes however : one little black sweater top to go with several of the skirts in my closet, plus a hot pink and black skirt -- small design, so not loud and ugly; one turquoise pair of linen pants and a top to match; a couple of sleeveless blouses and a pair of chino fabric skorts -- those are just for comfy's sake.

I know that the hypothyroidism/diabetes combo is soooo kicking my ass. My sugars have been at new heights for me, too, because I don't have energy from the hypothyroidism. Most diabetics, I realize, think that anything under a 150 is good. For me, however, anything over 130 makes me physically tired, cranky, and otherwise pissy. I feel like I'm swimming my life in a pool of molasses and it really really sucks. At last count, the doctor said that my thyroid levels looked okay. I really feel like I could use about one more pill and I'd feel a whole shitload better and I'd have the energy I need to get my ass out the door to exercise.

I just miss being small and having energy. I was a size 16/18 and I felt good. I need to get there again because I'm hating being large and lethargic.