Yesterday, was a really good day. I got a lot done and that kept me busy. I cooked a big dinner for the guys, so Russ would sleep well for his sleep study.

And then today arrived, and I just was feeling like a bad mommy again. And no, it doesn't make sense. I'm not a bad mommy and I know that, but sometimes, I just feel like a bad mommy and I just have to ride it out. I am struck by how I am experiencing this as a grieving process. Some days, I cry and some days I don't. Today, was a cry day.

I'm in the process of getting records from the hospital and from the special education preschool. I talked to the legal advocacy people and they're probably going to come to the IEP meeting, so I get the IEP written well. I was surprised as we talked about this stuff on the phone, just how clear I am about exactly what I think needs to happen for him. Then, I began to think about how little I've been listened to and the Bad Mommy feeling came back.

I told my class about it tonight and I thought I would cry, and while I came dangerously close, I took strength when they laughed when I said,"Hey, on the good news front, I will never have to fight for his IEP eligibility again." After the IEP has been put together, I will go to the regional center and will apply for Medicaid and SSI as protectionary measures -- just in case. He may be able to draw SSI into an account that he can access when he is 18, which will supplement the money we are saving for his college fund. I figure, if something happens and he needs that money, then it is all set up for him in advance. I told LaDawn, so she does the same thing for her kid.

The class tonight is the class for the instructor whose parents were in the car wreck. She brought matchbox cars and showed us what happened. I wish she hadn't. I was fighting the tears listening to how her elderly parents got out of the car after the first car sideswiped them. The second car that hit 10 minutes later is the one that hurt her dad, who has been in a coma since that moment. Her mother is a diabetic in a wheelchair, who relied on her husband for her care. Overall, it's very sad. The instructor's going to be going down there all the time, but I asked, "If you mother is dependent on your father for her care, are you going to see about a home healthcare aide while he's in the hospital?" She had already talked about if her father passed that her mother would come live with her, so I wasn't being totally tactless, though afterwards, I wish I'd just shut up about it. But I love this woman like she's family, so I'm worried. She's iconic in the amount of respect she has and she doesn't even have the title of professor to bandy about, as she's in the doctoral program, but people know her better than the chair. I just wish I could do more to be helpful.

---

On my own health front, my diabetes is not hideous, but it's not great either. I'm not testing sugars much at all, and I should be. I'm not exercising and I should be. I am losing weight because generally, I'm just not eating what I should be. I need to be doing all of my shoulds, however, because swollen ankles are pretty common for me and that's a bad thing. It's beautiful spring weather, so tomorrow after lunch, I'm going to walk. I figure something every so often is better than nothing ever and with the weather being so lovely, I need to do my part to increase my spring freckle population. Tomorrow, I promised Russell I'd get up with him and cook him breakfast, so we could hang together a little while. So I'll cook myself a little something, too.

One. Day. At. A. Time.