Friday Five

What was...

1. ...your first grade teacher's name?

Mrs. Fuller -- an honest to God battleaxe. She used to smack Georgy Porgy Puddin' and Pie's finger and Skipper McGoldrick, too. But if you'd known, Skipper, you'd have smacked him just for fun.

2. ...your favorite Saturday morning cartoon?

Gumby. Just shut up. I like Gumby. He was the bomb.

3. ...the name of your very first best friend?

Bill -- my brother. In elementary school, with 50% of the population suffering from some level of emotional or behavioral disorder, I didn't have many friends. I had four different schools from grade 6-9, so really I didn't have a best friend until high school and her name was An Ho. We invented our own language so we could talk about people without them knowing what we were saying. The only remaining word from that now lost language is "egnarts." Strange spelled backwards. Mentioning this word within a 10 block radius of either myself or An will result in an eruption of school girl laughter, I am under no obligation to explain.

4. ...your favorite breakfast cereal?

Grapenuts, loaded with sugar and milk and allowed to sit til slightly soft.

5. ...your favorite thing to do after school?

I am a book worm. What do you think? I read. When I finished reading, I read some more. I also climbed trees, hiked in the woods, skated, and cross-country skiied.

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Still working on the Bear stuff. Didn't sleep much last night.

What'd the neurologist do to figure out cerebral palsy?

In order to reach his determination, the neurologist had him do some things. He had him close his eyes, put out his tongue and hold his arms in front of him with his fingers splayed. Most of us do that and our fingers stay relatively still. Russell's fingers were wiggling -- Pachtels/Bechtels I think they're called. He also said that his heel cords are really tight, something the PT said also, and asked if he walks on his toes, which he does. When he asked him to let his arms or legs go, there was a lot of tension in them and the doctor had a name for that also. His super thin body and lack of musculature and strength was another concern. Also, I think his history -- he had/has a hard time eating, he has always fallen a lot, he's always been uncoordinated, he has tremendous difficulty with fine motor tasks (I still help him button his dress shirts), and his odd gait were all also factors in this.

The PT wrote that she's worried about him in junior high because he's really easy to topple and all that jostling from class to class might make it easy to drop him. I worry about that one step further -- kids aren't nice and they might intentionally drop him.

I've been bawling all night. I should be counting my blessings -- he's not in a wheel chair, he doesn't have MR from this -- all in all it's pretty mild. I can't help reviewing every aspect of my pregnancy, his birth, etc., and wondering what I did to make this happen. That probably makes no sense at all, but it's where I am. I had some tactless boob send me the following:

I looked on the UCP website, and it said that perhaps 70% of CP cases aren't due to birth trauma, but start even before that...so it may not necessarily have anything to do with what happened at the hospital.

I emailed a friend through tears the following response:

This really sent me over the edge. Rational or not, in my hidden heart, it's all my fault, whether it is or not. I was trying to comfort myself with the fact that it was a really rough delivery and maybe trying too hard to put a brave face to how I was feeling because this hurts so deeply and profoundly. Every time I look at him, I want to throw myself at his feet and ask him to forgive me.

I've spent hours bawling over this. 70%? It really was my fault and I can never take back whatever stupid thing I did when I was pregnant that hurt him. I keep thinking maybe it was the bronchitis or some other thing I did that I just can't remember. I wanted to hope it was that nurse on top of me in surgery. I keep thinking about how I should have known to push his pediatrician or to just know that he wasn't like the other kids and it wasn't just ear infections. I had no basis of comparison or just didn't see it when I did.

I am so stupid and inept and he deserves so much more than this.


My bear did get a good night's sleep last night. His eye shadows weren't so deep this morning -- it's been a long time since I've seen that much light skin under his eyes. He has the sleep study on Sunday, so we'll probably go swimming to wear the kids out, so he sleeps well at the clinic.

They will call to schedule the MRI and the EEG is a week from Monday. I think those are more for his ADHD and to rule out other possibilities. It may also be possible to determine what part of his brain is affected.