I keep thinking that if tired were a color it would be gray. And then I think about what I know about auras and I think that white is pure and clean and that black is poison and wonder what that means about my sense of my life as the color gray.

I think all the rain and snow and clouds makes me feel gray, too. I drove up this weird dirt road with Mike the other day because he resented me being on the phone on the way home from town. So I took him up the hill a piece and we watched it storm on the Sierras and watched the rednecks crisscrossing their big-tired rigs and ATV's across the desert and we talked and held hands. Then we drove home and unloaded the groceries.

I keep expecting my knees to be worse, but they're not.

I seem to have enough balance between walking and sitting with my job and my knees are about the least agonizing they've been in a while. I'm not even taking the glucosamine, which normally, I can't hardly stand to be without.

I did buy some good shoes to alternate with my eccos, but I'm not hardly wearing the eccos because I want to dress up. It makes me feel better and more formal and professional, which comes across in my voice at work. No, I will not start wearing makeup, but I am finding the clothes make a difference. Come summer with the heat of the season, I may change my mind about how formal I want to be, but for right now, it's putting me in a good mindset.

I'm making fewer mistakes overall, which is nice, too.

They keep threatening we're going to get lots and lots of snow, but so far it's been pretty disappointing. On the plus side, the mountains are getting a lot and that's where the bulk of our water table comes from. We're heading into week two of snow/rain showers throughout the week.

I'm very disgusted we're not getting more here. I like the snow and it happens so infrequently. I know I should be careful what I wish for, but I really do like it. And I know it poses all kinds of hazards and all, but it's so unbelievably beautiful and I still treasure a morning of pristine snow-covered landscape. Like the autumn in the New England, I miss winter, too. Winters here often threaten to be like New England winters, but usually fall far short, but I wait for those surprising storms that fulfill the dream of my memory.

If bones could be tired to their bones, my bones' bones would be exhausted.

Valentine's day is just kind of fun for me. I bought a few things for the kids. I got G-bug a webkins, which I'd never heard of. When I heard about it, I knew it was a Genny kind of thing. I got Russell a Valentine's mouse. I got Mike a cute little frame and I'm going to have Genny take pictures of me and then I'll pick the nicest one and put it in there for him. I also got Genny and I matching flower pens that fit in a pot.

Work sucks. Nuff said.

Mike rocks. He gets up every morning, gets me breakfast and coffee, and helps me with lunch. He's doing all the errands and we plan meals for the week on weekends.

He's applying for work. He's looking into how to get coursework. He's a great human.

I wish I had more energy and time to have sex with him is all. :D

This morning was less painful and I could tell that I'd turned the infection corner, but I'm still really congested and that's sliming up my lungs. I get wheezy at night and the doc and I discussed how I might end up on steroids and insulin by the end of the weekend.

I sigh in the general direction of the needle box. Dear Needle Box, I'd flip you a bird, but I'm only up to lifting this single feather...

As I was answering the phones at work, customers were commenting on how much like crap I sounded like and were wishing me a speedy recovery and the like. It was really quite sweet.

I want to go do fun stuff with the kids, but I need to curl up in bed and hug the pillow and kitty cat. I did purchase some sledding stuff, so maybe we'll hit that up in the mountains from here, hopefully, on Sunday, after I've had a day to lay around like a slug.

In other news, Mike and I had a chat today.

I basically said he needs to get a wolf job (to keep the lupine critters from the door) and bone up on his programming. He blew yet another interview and with his experience, he shouldn't be doing that. We looked around for advanced computer programming coursework, but it was all in these weird seminar type things, so we both felt it was better for him to pick it up out of a book everyone was talking about in his research and start writing his own code to do stuff. He started researching the stuff he didn't know and that's a good start, I think.

He has had 3 months to get employed with his dream job or something resembling it, but is up the creek with a tight economy. I told him to get a bill payer. He agreed.

It blows, but it's a start.

Despite my stupid flu shot, I've got the flu and bad. Even my finger, toes, and ankles joints are hurting.

I slept for a couple hours and now, I'm up because the joint pain woke me up. I took some tylenol, though I really wanted some doggone vicodan. I finally got celebrex today, so my knee doesn't make me want to curl up in a ball and die. I've been sporadically taking vicodan over the past week to get through and I always feel wiggy about taking anything other than one at night because I've often been taking 2 at night and then one in the morning this past week. I understand how people do get addicted to these things because it's such a relief not to feel the pain even for a few hours.

Fortunately, 3 vicodan in one day does not make me a hardcore addict and it buys me enough relief to be functional without celebrex. Thankfully, I'm on celebrex again, though, so I'm setting aside my foray into vicodan for just regular tylenol and I doubled up on my celebrex to get some of the swelling down.

Swelling you say? Yeah. I'm so darned graceful, I tell you what! I had the coordination and misfortune to take a bad slip in the tub. A straw from one of Genny's juice things had fallen in the tub from the trash can and I didn't see it and my foot hit that thing and went sliding. I grabbed for the stupid curtain rod and screeched in pain which got Mike flying out of bed to help me at 445 am. My knee has been swollen and horrible all day.

Add that to the flu pain and I'm a pain-ridden wreck. I'm talking to my doctor about that tomorrow. Feh.

We had to be kind of hard-nosed about it, but Mike went into the dealer the next morning and told them to give him back his check. They hadn't given us keys or anything and were waiting on a cashier's check, which of course, Mike didn't give them. They thrashed and tried to threaten and Mike ignored them and took back his check.

So this weekend, we go auction hunting and see how it goes. We really need a 4wd because the county just announced that they're not going to plow roads off school bus routes to save money. The Buick can't do heavily snowed on, unplowed roads.

I found a subaru forester at this used car place, but they never return calls and I haven't had the energy to deal with used car salesmen after work. The problem is that these places want to finance you, regardless of credit to make any extra money they can. We just want to pay cash and get the hell out of there. I don't want to have to make any more stupid payments in a month. I'm having a hard enough time making my bills, so adding one more is the last danged thing I'm interested in.

The auctions have been sucking lately, so I'm nervous about our ability to get as lucky as we did with the Buick last year. We'll just see.

I'm freaking out again.

We went to a Subaru dealership to buy a used subaru because they last forever, are 4 wheel drive and get excellent mileage.

Somehow, we ended up contracting to buy a dodge dakota, which only has one of those features -- the 4wd.

I really really really don't want it.

Have to talk to Mike in an hour.

Ugh.

I've only had 1 can of soda today, which compared to my usual amounts of caffeine during the week mean that I am suffering from withdrawal from caffeine with a king-sized headache.

*whine*

Lately, my life has been a really sick and wrong cocktail of coffee and caffeinated diet sodas throughout the day at work. Then I switch to water. Then I go home. I eat my dinner.

I try to handle stuff for the house -- giving Mike a list of crap to do and making calls as I can and stuff. Tonight, I tracked down more of the stealing my credit card info crap on our bank account. 20 minutes on hold to get transferred to another number and left on hold for another 15 minutes and so on. I was not amused.

Then, I drink my tummy drink and go to bed.

I wake up panicking like a freak in the wee hours of the night, take a xanax and a melatonin, and I go back to bed. It's kind of sad and it's where I'm at, so I'm just living with that. The money is scaring the shit out of me.

For some reason, my knee has been tons better this week. I have no idea why. Last week, I thought I was going to die of arthritis of the knee. However, I still can't walk much more than 200 feet at a time without my back starting to scream.

I took my xanax and melatonin early. I'm hoping the tummy meds don't take too much of it away from my bloodstream. Maybe I can skip the panicky wake up in the middle of the night.

What?! You know it could soo happen.

I'm all sad. My beautiful van got repossessed. It was creepy, too. Some guy knocked on our door and rang the bell at 10PM! Who the hell does that?

I'd hoped we would have time to get the danged severance check from Mike's company, but for some reason they didn't get the huge stuffed enveloped we mailed to them covered in stamps. Mike completely freaked out when he called and was told that they hadn't received it and the due date had passed.

The guy took it though via fax and we're now waiting for the check. It should get mailed out tomorrow, but too late for the van.

Mike and I discussed it and we figure we can pick up a cheaper commuter car from auctions and avoid the huge monthly payments and save the house. Our credit's screwed anyhow, so it's not like we have any interest in worrying about that. And there's lots of other people's repo'ed cars at the dealers, so we may end up with one of those. Mike wants the 4WD, but I am thinking we get a cheap commuter car for now and fuck the snow. The big snow season stuff has really passed to be honest and we're absolutely dry as a bone here now.

I figure once he gets a job, we can sock away money and get a 4x4. Right now, we just need working wheels for kid pick up and driving around. We have chains for the Buick, so we're covered.

Other than that, I'm up at this hour because I'm in agony. My joints are all inflamed and I feel like trash. Earlier, even my finger joints were hurting. I'm low on vicodan, so I'm trying to be sparing with it, but I'm sorely tempted to pound what I have. I took 2 and then those started to wear off after 4 hours, so I'm here waiting for them to kick over again. I will be at work tomorrow nodding off, I'm sure, but as long as my body is in my chair, I don't give a rat's patooty. I've got caffeine in large supply and I can pee at will with this job, so I'll do what I have to.

I also have holy cow gas -- like distending my insides to blimp-like proportions. I think it's from all the meds for the pain and stuff, but dang, it blows, so to speak, or in this case, doesn't blow enough.

I have my black hippy patchwork dress that's loose and comfortable and I can get away with knee socks under it. I'm just a lowly customer service representative, so I'm not having to dress like a fashion icon for this job. Jeans and pants seem like they'd be way too constrictive and well, they aren't clean either. I wish I could find a single pair of my softwalk shoes. I have a single brown one...I suspect the other is buried beneath things that I can't lift.

Just one stupid pair would be lovely. They're comfortable and supportive and they give me a break from other shoes, so my feet aren't all crunchy painful. Once the check arrives, I'm going to buy a pair. I need something to alternate my feet into from my ecco sneakers.

Ok. I'm hitting the tired wall.

(THUD)

I should be tired and I kind of am, but I think that 12 hours straight of sound sleeping on Sunday night and a solid 8 last night with an hour of drowsing made a big difference.

I'm overwhelmed and underwhelmed with the work training. I keep feeling frustrated because I'm such a kinesthetic learner that we're not actually experimenting with it, messing up and learning from our mistakes. I learn very well that way. Memorizing the same information presented in 10 different formats is driving me crazy. At the same time, I'm learning it, so half my brain obviously gets it and is at odds with the other half that doesn't.

I ate pizza last night and paid like crazy today with the gas and discomfort stuff, despite remembering my tummy medication. Tonight's fare involves ground turkey, though, so I think it'll go better for me tomorrow.

I'm eating carefully and losing weight, though I don't know how much. I have to convince myself to get up and throw on a swimsuit and go to the pool some morning soon. I may buck up the courage on Wednesday or Thursday.

This morning freaked me out because I got pulled over and the cop took 15 minutes to decide NOT to give me a ticket because my windshield was frosty, despite copious scraping. I did take a picture of it with my phone to show that it wasn't that bad, though, which he may have seen me do. The stupid front license plate is missing on the danged car and apparently, that's not legal either, so Mike will have to resolve that for me.

Of course, when the cop asked me for my license, I couldn't find it immediately and I couldn't easily get to my damned registration without taking apart the freaking car(putting up the cup holder and all the crap in the little compartment behind it) and dumping my coffee. I gave him my license number. Then I went to work and found my license and dug out the registration and started to walk to his car with them in hand, and he met me halfway and sent me on my way. I started to ask him if he could hold my coffee a minute and he looked at me like I was smoking crack and I sort of left the sentence hanging in the air, realizing how dumb it sounded after it left my mouth. He said, "Uh, no." (But he was really nice about it)Being flustered makes you say the stupidest stuff.

Of course, then I was flying all the way to work, so as to not be late, which blew completely. Thankfully, he was NOT on that road. :P

On the plus side, I got home to my house, cringing at the thought...and Mike had cleaned the livingroom spotlessly. He's a great househusband! He even makes my lunch and coffee for me in the mornings. I am definitely going to have to be less tired and more prone to putting out.

I don't think I've ever been so grateful for Friday and 5 o'clock. Hitting Friday made me want to get on my knees and thank God for it, in my employer's parking lot. I wished heartily that company policy would permit me to wear this t-shirt, but alas, no, t-shirts with a message violates company dress code.

Co-workers commented on the 84 fluid oz of diet dr pepper I had over the course of the day and I reminded them of the coffee this morning. To be fair though, the instructor is an old smoker and so has poor circulation and is on the mistaken impression that our training room is comfortable at 84 degrees or more, despite being only a hollowed out set of cubicles in the bowels of bureaucratic hell. I fully expect the devil himself to pop out of my computer with the whips, chains and other implements of torture to finish me off. When we gripe enough at the instructor, he remembers to go poke the construction crew to turn stuff on the way they should and the room airs out fast. By that time, we've reached comatose levels of on-the job training.

And I'm fucking tired. I haven't worked a 40 hour week since teaching and I spent every single night of that falling flat on my face and then, I blew my weekends in a fetal position in bed. Without the option of a nap or a day to sleep in between days at work, I'm wiped out tired. I am not yet accustomed to getting to bed at a decent hour either, and I'm having a difficult time juggling taking sleeping meds and stomach meds. I can only take sleeping meds, 1 hour before or 4 hours after stomach meds. If I take them 1 hour before, I'd be asleep by the time I had to take the stomach stuff. The other choice is to remember to take them when I get home, which might work, if I can just remember.

It's hard though because I miss everyone so much and they miss me, so I get distracted with spending precious time with them.

What's worse is that about the time I get my clock reset for working 8-5, the hours will change to 6-3. While overall, I think those are probably better hours for my family than graveyard shift, most anyone who knows me, knows fully well, that I am not, nor have I ever been a morning person. Morning is a time zone allotted for crazy people who do not require caffeine to open their eyes.

So for the moment, my caffeine intake is at insane levels. I think sleeping this weekend as much as I want will help.

Other people are party animals on the weekend. I'm a hibernating animal.

Work isn't hard material to learn during my training period. I am finding that it's just grueling to be accustomed to 8 hours a day and walking on cement floors. While the walking isn't the majority of the job, it's the long walks to the cafeteria and bathrooms at the moment that end up hurting. My knee is enormous and excrutiatingly painful.

Last night, I took my first vicodan for agony in a long time and to some degree, that felt like a failure.

Until I get better adjusted to the hours and energy involved, I'm not doing the club. My hope is to start next week. I'm starting next week with that -- probably just a couple days a week. I may even go this weekend once -- just to test the waters, so to speak.

I like having a schedule and it's working for my sugars, too. It also helps me organize my food, which helps my liver function better. I think it's helping me suffer through this adjustment period better, too.

Dinner was hash and had a bit more oil than I should realistically eat. That diet change means I'm a gassy mess at the moment. I have a small classroom and I sit farthest from the door. That should be big fun. :P

Returning to my lowfat diet will be justified and welcome.

Foodwise....So yesterday, I ate a good breakfast -- veggie quesadilla, resisted my husband's efforts to load it with meat/fat/calories. For dinner, hubby wanted to just toss a jar of spaghetti sauce on noodles. I shudder to think! I loaded the sauce with veggies (zucchini, spinach, and mushrooms) and tolerated his addition of well-drained hamburger.

I got one of my arthritis exercise videos yesterday and I determined that I have to do it on the bed. (Yeah, I know...I said, "do it.") It requires being on my hands and knees and laying down and things that would normally be really hard on a bad knee. If I have to get on my hands and knees, I'm locking the door from the husband or banning him from the room because I strongly suspect I won't get through the workout otherwise.

Everyone thought it was weird that he'd get me Barbies for Christmas, but they were cheap and he got me a few earrings and the candle stuff I like, but I was saying how I missed playing with Barbies. Frankly, it's been calming to sit there and change them in and out of clothes. I think with the stressors of late, that reverting to childhood calming behaviors isn't that weird. Genny thrashes her barbies anyhow, so it kind of stinks to try to play barbies with her. When I had my own, I enjoyed playing with her more, so she could trash hers and I could take care of mine.

What is this leading up to?

Well, Mike got me an after Christmas gift of a Wonder Woman Barbie. She's got articulating wrists and elbows, which is unusual in a Barbie, but I think they kept the original Barbie design for her boobage. Apparently, some years back they decided to reduce the boobage size of barbies to make them more reflective of real women because they determined that if her boobs were that big for real, she'd fall over. However, Wonder Woman has a serious comic book rack.

I want to open the box and play with her soooo bad because she's beautiful and her costume rocks. She's got her little bullet deflecting bracelets on, her truth lasso, and her crown that converts to a boomerang. I am thinking the Barbie crown doesn't convert to a boomerang, but I'm enjoying my fantasy. Her boots are to her knees and I like how her hair has some of the curl it should. She's very accurate, which is really awesome.

Just shut up.

I told Mike he'll have to buy me a second one, so I can play with one and admire the other. I'm thinking Malibu Barbie would look hot dressed as Wonder Woman for Halloween and that her beach extra wide feet that won't fit into regular Barbie shoes might fit into those Wonder Woman boots. I feel for Malibu Barbie with her extra wide feet. As I discovered that she would not fit into any of the regular Barbie shoes, I muttered under my breath, "Welcome to my World!"

Work starts Monday. I'm looking forward to it. It sounds like Monday will be the basic orientation, benefits presentation stuff.

Mike's had a couple promising interviews, but nothing yet.

So lifestyle changes -- those small slides that lead to 10lbs gained in a year can also lead to small personal gains.

In my kids' group we are discussing what small changes we can make to improve our diet and exercise. One of my big ones is my breakfast change.

Yesterday, I had the worst asthma attack I've had in ages. It occurred to me that I wasn't sure if I'd taken my singulair recently. I was exhausted from the attack, so I fell asleep about 930 on the bed and with a few small breaks, I slept through until about 830. So I got up early and took my meds.

I'm sure it also helped that another choice I made yesterday while out, was to order a big salad and nail most of it, so I ate less pizza, so this morning, I woke up hungry and at a good fasting sugar.

This morning, I took my singulair and added it to all my days in my pill planner. I'm also going to take a dose of advair. Hopefully, I'll have a better asthma day!

So it's not a resolution, it's kind of more that the holidays are over, so I am determined to lose weight because I'm out of excuses.

A work schedule will help me stay organized. I can restrict what food I bring with me. I can give myself the snacks I need and control that. I can go to the club to work out before I work, so it won't impede family time.

I know when I am not going to work, I need a back up plan I can do at home, so I ordered videos for bad knees and sit-down workouts, so I can maintain the metabolic gains from the club.

My evil plan is to adhere to that.

I've changed my breakfast to my cottage cheese fruit and low fat quesadilla thing. I figure if I do that most of the time, I'll be ok. For one, I get dairy out of it and for another, I keep my sugars good. The problem is that I run out of fuel, so my coffee breaks will have to include an appropriate snack like crackers and cheese or a tablespoon of almond butter.

I've given up on walking because when walking, my back is soooo bad that I have to stop, stretch, and resume walking a few steps and keep going. I get exercise, but it's insane and excrutiating which removes it from being even vaguely motivating.

We're also considering a Wii fit.

So I'm tracking things. I'm setting up an excel sheet and tracking it.

Ok, so both state jobs fell through. The teaching one, they made it clear I was second choice and that they really liked me and told me to keep applying. It was one of the nicest rejection letters ever, really. So I start AT&T shortly. In the interim, Mike has an interview with a competitor of his old company that's local! We're rather stunned.

I was really sad about the state jobs, but I'm ok. I've got something and it'll help pay bills. Hopefully, over time, I'll put some money up and be able to go back to school to teach. If I work nights, that's an option.

Right now, we're hoping Mike gets hired out soon, so we can use the severance pay to put in a well here.

I checked with him and he said that all the contract work was in LA and the Bay area, though there's some in in Vegas, too. I priced out plane tickets and cheap apartments and he can get some deals in Vegas, anyhow. I found one place that has a shared cooking area, which I thought would rock. His brothers live in LA and the Bay area, so he may be able to stay for a week here and there, too, certainly to start off with.

Ok...bottom line? This up in the air crap is kicking my ass. I'm between losing my mind and losing my house, so it's definitely rock and hard place material.

Oh, and my stupid car is in the driveway...not working -- AGAIN. We went to AAA and upgraded our stupid membership, so I can get the danged thing towed to the garage. Mike giggled,"At least, they can't repo it, right now." I rolled my eyes, but he's right.

It's not going anywhere until Thursday, though because AAA takes 2 days. So Mike will probably follow us down to the garage and I'll beg my mechanic to start on it and do what he can. There's something hinky with the electric system and I'm rather ticked I spent $100 to fix jack on the danged thing at the garage here in town.

I need it fixed by the time I start working though. Mike needs an emergency car and a car to go to interviews with.

Life is so frustrating lately. I just hope we can get through.

Well, we haven't heard spit from the company in Florida -- not even Mike's check. I'm not amused.

I haven't heard from my state positions either, which blows, so still waiting on them. I don't know if they're checking references and are facing the whole holiday thing or what, but it's frustrating to just wait. I know for a fact that I start on January 12th with AT&T, so I'm taking comfort in that.

I hope something works out.

Still a waiting game on the employment front. We're just waiting.

We're baking and finishing up shopping.

I feel overwhelmed a lot, but it's just where things are. I'm going to probably go nuts and bake a ton just for the heck of it. I don't feel motivated to eat it much, but I really enjoy the baking part.

I've been watching Christmas shows and listening to music and decorating and just getting into the Christmas groove. Tonight's baking was snickerdoodles with colored sugars.

There's been a lot of snow. We're in the shadow of Tahoe, so we get all the spillover, so they've gotten 7 feet at upper elevations and we've probably gotten a total of 7 inches. It's melted away some and then it returns. We're getting the first white Christmas in 5 years. I think that means we aren't going to try to cross the mountains, that and the van is dead in the driveway the way it was in October. I am not amused.

We're still waiting on the lousy reimbursement from his Florida interview. I finally called and said that we put together every last dime we had to get him there and that we would appreciate it, if they'd fed ex that check to us. Apparently, the check was cut today, so hopefully, it'll be here tomorrow.

That's a company that sincerely needs a corporate card, dude.

Well, Mike has heard nothing. With the holidays, I don't know if that's good or bad -- just what is going on.

I have heard from ATT and officially am employed by them as of January 12th. I applied for two state jobs last week, and I'll hear about them before the new year and then can figure out if I'm doing that or going to ATT. Considering the money, I'm thinking state job. :) I am pretty much starting out at the top of my pay range for ATT and with their recent layoffs, I kind of think there's not a lot of up to go there. I'd like to make money and support my family, not just be able to pay the mortgage and live off Mike's severance til it's gone.

I'm going to take whatever I get, though, and hope to God that Mike gets something soon. The state job I applied for on Friday -- one of the gals took me aside and talked to me all the way down the hall and said, "Have him apply into our department. We're stable and not likely to get nailed any more with the budget cuts." So Mike is applying. He has to go to the DMV and get a printout because he knows he's had tickets, he just can't remember any of the circumstances of them and he needs to write those into the application. Tomorrow, we'll have $7, so tomorrow, he'll do that.

Mike is flying to Florida for an interview.

He had a phone interview today with someone else and expects to fly to Vegas next week. Another company contacted him, too, so he's got to call them tomorrow.

I'm staying here to keep the kids normal and work. I've got 3 days of 5th graders.

It's freaky around here. I've also got 2 more interviews this week, too, with state jobs. I had to schedule them after work, so I feel a little concerned about how I'm going to look after a day of teaching. One would be as a trainer and I need to know how to use powerpoint. I was told I have to show them how to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I made a powerpoint for it and I'm bringing it with me and doing a whole presentation for fun.

Yeah, I'm such a weirdo. :)

Both jobs would pay more than the AT&T job, but I have the ATT job to fall back on at the least.

I don't get much time to myself lately. I spend a lot of time helping Mike follow up on all job leads, editing his emails and cover letters, and making sure he's called everyone and all that. It's not that he can't do a decent job himself, but rather that he's been out of the game a long time and he's doublechecking things. And I'm good at it, by gum.

Add this to my own job application process, followups, and working part-time teaching, and I'm a busy gal.

So yesterday, I had my once a month check with the doctor. My weight's up, which blows because I've been walking a lot, but the doctor said with the stress I've been experiencing that weight gain wouldn't be unexpected.

But the thing that got me was, that the minute the nurse left the room, I just melted into tears. I get so little time to slow down or do anything for me, that that 15 minutes of dr. visit just let me just have time for me. She asked if I had been sleeping, and I laughed and said, "Sleep is for pussies!" And I admitted I don't sleep much at all. I'm often up in the middle of the night, searching the net for jobs, reading email or just obsessing, while dinking around on the net. She gave me xanax to calm me down, once in a while. When I came out, I was sure Mike would see the tears and I just explained it to him on the way to the car.

I went home and fell face first on the bed and slept for 3 hours. When I stirred, he packed up the kids and took them out. He dragged the unwilling, whiny teenager around and they got Bear's phone fixed and walked over the the video game store. Then they walked to Starbucks and he bought the kids a strawberry frappucinos and then they went to the Apple store to look at their goodies. Whiny teenager boy kept claiming he wasn't cold, but by the end of their jaunts back and forth across the parking lot, he was shivering and glad to get into the car.

Everyone had a bit of story to tell me when they got back, but I appreciated the down time, too. My hubby rocks!

Mike's had interviews. He's to be flown to Vegas for one and to Florida for another. I got offered the job from ATT, but it doesn't start until January 12th. It's somewhat tentative, but not really. I'm going in for a trainer interview with the state on Thursday.

While AT&T wouldn't transfer to Florida, it would transfer to Vegas, so we have that option. It may mean that Mike has the kids with him, while I do the 4-6 week training and then I mention to them after I've completed the training that my husband got offered a job in Vegas and I'd like to transfer. If his interviews don't go anywhere, we could survive on my AT&T salary, unemployment and his severance and I would get excellent benefits, when COBRA runs out.

I'm working as much as I can as a substitute. I got lucky yesterday and checked the program from a job and picked up 3 days next week. The problem is that I am going to have to reschedule my interview, so calling them to set that up. For that interview, they want me to demonstrate how to make a PBJ, so I pulled "Peanut Butter Jelly Time" off the net and am bringing almond butter because I'm allergic to peanut butter. I've already researched the history, calories, and the like for making a PBJ and have the whole thing planned out.

I scare myself.

So, much to my surprise, Mike comes home yesterday at 1230 in the afternoon as I'm heading into the shower. I'm mid-email, so I turn around and say, "Hey, what's up? How come you're home?" I hear him say something about "laid" and say, "Um, ok?" and then I say,"Wait a minute. What?" And he says quietly, "I got laid off."

He's worked there 8 years. He was their boy wonder the first couple years, and then the company hit difficult times and the past couple raises have sucked. When he didn't even get one this year, I wondered if we were in trouble.

We're in trouble.

His severance package should get us through March.

We're terrified. We're going to start making house repairs and clean it within an inch of its life so we can sell it, if he finds a job elsewhere. In this economy, we have already faced that possibility.

Horrifyingly enough, I had a dream about this in the summer. I don't know why, but I dreamt he got laid off and I had that prickly stuff on the back of my neck that made me feel like it was deja vu.

He asked me if he could mope for a day and I said no. I know him. He'll disappear into his computer and never come back. I said,"You do what Mark does. You reverse your schedule and you live attached to your computer and you won't come back. We cannot afford you to do that." He agreed. Later, when we talked more, he said that watching Mark did scare him and he realized how much alike they are.

We also agreed that we'd work together to get healthier during this time of transition. We're setting the alarm for ourselves, getting up early each morning and working on the house.

Her shortness was freaked. She cried on and off during waking hours and then had a hard time sleeping. Russell started to ride her butt and I called him out and said,"Hey, dude, she's freaked and she's little and she's working it out. Give her a break." He grumbled and grudgingly stumped backed to bed. We just kept hugging her and finally got stern and groused,"Get to BED!"

Today, we hit the livingroom and kitchen. I've got my boxes out there of winter clothes. I'm working on getting my summer clothes transitioned into those. I'm kind of waiting on laundry to process through, so I can get all the summer stuff out. I'll be working on that today.

I'm finally repairing my car. We can't afford it, but we can't afford to not have me working either.

It blows because I can't hit the job fair because my car will be in the shop during those hours and Genny will be home otherwise because it's conference week -- half days.

I'm calling the bank and begging them a little. It's just brutally difficult to be a human being in these economic times.

In my head, I have this running conversation that involves me putting myself down for not getting all my sewing projects done, which when run against a reality check is total bullshit. I've sewn two blankets -- one for a friend and a really cool pirate blanket for me. I sewed Genny one darned cute penguin costume, too. I kind of regret not making the beak on the hood orange, but it was ok and she was warm. She ran around with an igloo drink dispenser to hold her candy and holy hannah, she filled it.

I've got to get her nightgowns cut and sewn. I keep thinking I'm going to do it and my entire day goes completely to crap. Recently, we've had lots of weather changes, which means my knee has been completely wrecked, so pain has been a factor, as well as time, because I'm cooking my buns off lately.

Due to pain, I haven't walked in 3 days, so I'm slacking on that, but tomorrow I will walk. My doctor says I have to work up to walking a half hour a day by the next time I see her, which is in 3 weeks. It's so painful, but I bought a beautiful pair of walking shoes that really make a huge difference in the agony factor. She said the pain wasn't going away and that I had to suck it up and do it and show that if I had the lap band surgery, that I could lose the weight. She gave me drugs, so I'm walking. I can walk to the corner and back and it's hard and I'm really out of shape, but I can do it. It's only about 10=15 minutes, but it's a start, so I'm good. My knee hurts like hell, but it's just the way it is. I can hang in there because there's an end in sight -- Eye on the prize, you know?

Today, I did get a lot done, but the house was messier for it. I got Genny's summer clothes and winter clothes switched out and boxed up. I still have to finish getting all of my summer crap out and into boxes, but tomorrow is another day. I keep trying to tell myself that I need all these t-shirts in case. I don't know what the case situation is that I'm worrying about and shoot, if they're just in boxes in the garage, I can go get one if I need it. I guess my brain is unsatisfied without something to fret over.

Tomorrow, is a car juggling day. I drive Bear to the one big town for his allergy shot and I go to an appointment for me. Bear's going to have himself a whiny fit about my appointment, but I will deal with that tomorrow. He's a teenager, so it seems like we have large fluctuations from a small grousing whiny fits to huge hulking hissy fits. Mike's going to stay home and get Genny to school, then I'll come home and take him to work and get the Bear to school in the other big town.

Moneywise, we got Mike's bonus check and it's gone. I didn't spend it wildly or anything, we just had to pay a few things. I have to get the car repaired and I have to get it towed. I bought AAA and will be able to use that Wednesday morning and finally get the stupid car fixed. Mike showed me the car and the battery and stuff and told me he'd where he'd seen antifreeze and sure enough, it's the waterpump. At least that repair will be relatively cheap. I've been doing wild juggling on money, but if the car is repaired, I can work, so I'm just gearing up for that. We bought most of Christmas. We've figured out what to do for Russell and it's all ready to go at Amazon. He also asked for clothing from Lands End and I've got that saved on their website for the end of the month. I bought Genny's winter coat and Russell's robe and nightshirt on JC Penney.

Tomorrow, I see some guy who's apparently the crowned guru of getting people jobs through vocational rehab. I told him I've got a lot of skills. To be honest, I'm afraid he'll try to shuffle me off into something stupid. I guess after dealing with the case manager dude, who is one of those career state employees who really seems like he's just there for the retirement he's getting in less than 5 years, I'm guarded. I don't want to get my hopes up and get jack, either. This guy seemed positive, though, so I'm hoping for the best.

My goal tomorrow is to get my clothes set up for winter and get Genny's night gowns cut out and started. I'm not showing her the fabric and am hoping to slide them under the tree as Christmas gifts she forgot about.

I'm working hard at making due. I've been making, sewing, baking, and cooking things (blankets for kids, decorations for the house, penguin costume for Halloween for Genny, muffins, and dinner home every night). I put a lot of food by this fall, so we'd have it this winter and spring.

We've been living tight -- every penny accounted for. I've exhausted my retirement money -- there wasn't much to start with, and now, there's even less. Mike didn't get a raise this year because his company simply couldn't afford it. He is at the top of his pay grade anyhow, so next year, he'll probably get a promotion and a raise, if things improve some.

We're probably going to go ahead and file bankruptcy. I keep applying for work, but nothing has shaken loose yet -- just lots of possibilities. I haven't been able to work recently because the car is dead and needs to be towed to be repaired.

It's hard work being poor and always looking for the best and next way to pinch a penny.

I'm flu-y and achy.

I wish my bed were more sufficient some days. I basically crawled into bed at 630 last night, got woken up to eat and went back about 730 and haven't really left the room other than to eat. Everything hurts -- in a most excrutiating manner.

It makes me mad because I had big plans for the kitchen. Was going to clean it like mad today.

I start my doctor appointments next week for the bariatric surgery preparation.
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I got one blanket for Christmas finished yesterday and clipped all the threads and cleaned everything up. It's for a teen boy, so it's skulls...kind of cool and fun.
I've got a pirate one for me and for Genny. I've also got some fabric for Genny's nightgowns -- colorful cherries and pink camo pirate flannels. I've got big yellow roses for me and some plain dark flannels for night shirts for the men.

I am definitely slipping into winter mode -- sewing. I guess that's better than baking, in my case, though I have gone on a few muffin sprees because the ingredients are cheap and the kids eat them all darned week. I have one or two and then promptly make a concerted effort to "forget" them.

Ok, I'm taking my quilt and heading back to bed.

Everyone assumes I'm a Democrat and to be completely honest, in my heart of hearts, I'm not. Just because I will not vote for John McCain under any circumstances, I am not a Democrat.

I remember distinctly as a teacher explained the ballot to me as a child how amazing I found our system of government, how as she explained it, anyone could be president. That sense of pride and thrill with the US system of government has stayed with me all this time. As age and the cynicism that comes with age have progressed, I've been mortally disappointed to discover that despite what we say, the US is in fact, on a 2 party system, masquerading as a democracy.

As this election reaches dirtier and dirtier heights, I decided to do some reading. Because when McCain started going dirty, I thought Obama might have the class to stay above it, but he gave in, too. I never liked Obama anyhow, so it wasn't mortally disappointing, but somewhat disappointing that both of the people likely to represent our government are both dirty disgusting politicians.

To be honest, I'm much more of a Hilary girl because she incorporates many of the green party tenets in her platform, but even so, she still fell short, even for me.

Mike and I have been discussing this. And the one thing that sticks with me most is that every vote cast means funding for the party for whom it was cast. Would I like the greens to take over the Presidency eventually by providing funding per my vote or am I going to vote simply because I am adamantly opposed to John McCain thrashing our country for another 4 years?

This, folks, is a quandry.

I'm in a pool to be hired by AT&T. I didn't get the social worker job I wanted, but I learned a lot in the interview, so that's good, too.

I was kind of goofing around in youtube last night and I found this video that had me with tears streaming down my face. I swear it seemed like a cross between Duke Nukem and a monster truck rally meets drunken frat boys on crack.