I know -- two posts in one day? What *is* the world coming to?

It really sucks and I haven't quite had words for all of it, thus, I've stewed and said little.

I'm sick again.

First, my apnea machine isn't working very well. I'm breathing against it, thus, rendering it ineffective and I'm back to feeling wiped out again. I've been like this for a month or two. Using a chin strap helps, but often ends up wadded up on the floor. Mind you, I don't do this consciously, I just find it on the floor in the morning and sigh. I don't know if this means I should just stick a clothespin on my nose and a mouth mask over my mouth, but the thought has obviously crossed my mind. I've woken up several times recently to hearing a horrible gurgling noise -- which is the sound things make when I'm breathing against the mask.

Second, my latest pap smear was deemed not precancerous, but abnormal. My impression from my doctor was that she didn't want to worry me, but that it means that the next pap may be abnormal again and require surgery similar to last year. My mom's historical account of her gynecological adventures in her 40's was disheartening at best. Her lack of tact sometimes is astounding in its depth.

Third, I am on hormones and while my husband is truly enjoying the libidinous side effects, I'm on them because the doctor thinks my cycle may be skewed. The hope is that if I take said hormones, my system will "reboot" for lack of a better word and my cycles will come back like they were because this every three freakin' weeks for my period truly sucks butt.

Fourth, wow am I depressed about my lack of health. While the doctors say that my diabetes is in good control -- my hba1c right after Christmas was 6.1 (normal is 4-6), and my metabolism is speeding right along due to the jumpstart of thyroid (I am on a 2400 calorie food plan), and I'm losing weight, I am truly depressed. I have to say that I am really feeling my mortality and it scares the shit out of me. If I wasn't so damned tired and oxygen deprived, I'd be exercising and losing lots more weight. If I don't lose weight, I get to keep the apnea. If I can't address the apnea, I'm tired. Catch 22. Catch 22.

Fifth, I am trying to iron out what I will do with Russell for next year. He's in a critical transition year -- going from 6th to 7th and he's barely getting through 6th. He said,"Oh, you can help me, Mom." To which I replied,"Russell, it's not my job to kick your butt through school." I'd like to go to grad school and stuff, but I think I'm going to have to homeschool him partially next year for him to survive it, which essentially puts my grad school on the back burner for a very long time. I'm going tomorrow to talk to the school about how we can help him and what we have to do. I'm torn between going fully special ed -- giving him allowances, option to retest, etc. -- and just holding him back because he's one of the youngest kids in his class and is so immature compared to many of his classmates and one more year to grow up in would serve him well, in my opinion.

Sixth, Genny is 4. She's likely going to be reading before Kindergarten which will mean she'll be bored as hell if I send her to the local kindergarten. It'll also mean that I have to duke it out with the school to get her the advanced academics she's capable of. Talk about opposite ends of the IEP. She's at LaDawn's getting homeschooled because her previous daycare wasn't working out for her. We tried her in Kindergarten and while she could totally handle the academics, she could not handle the social stuff. Wednesday night, we go to Parents' night at a local Montessori school.

I feel massively overwhelmed at the problems and underwhelmed at my capacity to handle them at the moment, although, I do seem to be able to handle the increased libido, and so does Mike.

Little steps.